But It Will Make You Miserable First
by Elise2
Summary: Sequel to And The Truth Will Set You Free. Consequences of Rape
1. Chapter 1/7

But It Will Make You Miserable First

Author: Eva

Rating: R for Sexual Situations

Time Frame: 2 1/2 years after the show is off the air.

Feedback: Yes, please, but if you really have a problem with something, please email me privately.

Summary: Sequel to "And The Truth Will Set You Free" Amanda and the entire family come to terms with her rape and the consequences.

Tissue Warning!! 

WARNING: No one dies but a character contemplates suicide and is checked into a mental health facility. See more explicit warning at bottom of Chapter One.

Disclaimer: Scarecrow and Mrs. King are owned by Warner Brothers and Shoot The Moon Production. I only wish they were mine. I will return them intact and stronger after this series of stories is complete.

Archive: Please ask first.

Thank you to Beth J. for her beta services and tears, and to Melinda for her input as well.

Chapter One

Amanda was pleased at how well things had been going since she had regained her memories of the attacks. She had been meeting faithfully with Dr. Phaff. At first they met daily; then, tapered down. Lee had seen Dr. Phaff several times as well, both with her and without. Amanda was very proud that he could set aside his bullheadedness enough to deal with his pain. 

Amanda could not stand being in the Jeep after what had happened, it had too many bad associations for her. After a discussion, the family decided to keep the Jeep for Phillip to use when he got his license. She and Lee went car shopping and found metallic green Ford Explorer that they both liked. 

Lee had taken Phillip for his driving test, trying to cheer him up. But Phillip, incomprehensibly, had failed to pass the road test. Lee was disappointed in Phillip's performance in the car and vowed to schedule extra time for practice with him. Maybe even in the Corvette. That should cheer him up.

Lee told her about Phillip's actions while she had been in LaLa land. They had gone together to see Dr. Phaff as a family as well. Jamie and Dotty had processed the attack and Amanda's reaction much better than any of the others. Phillip had still blamed himself for not being with his mother. He seemed to have a better handle on things after a few sessions with Dr. Phaff. Still, things were rough at home. Phillip was moody and his counselor wanted to set up a meeting. Phillip's grades were slipping and he was distant and unfocused in class. Jamie was all too quiet. He worked diligently at his schoolwork, did everything that was asked and even took over Phillip's chores, without a word. He flinched if there was a cross word spoken between Lee and Amanda or Lee and Phillip. 

Dotty was quiet as well. Amanda could see in her eyes the pain Dotty held in when they were together. Jamie had snapped a picture of her one-day without Dotty's knowledge. Dotty had been sitting in the attic, surrounded by Amanda's scrapbooks. Her face has been streaked with tears as she held an old dress Amanda wore in high school close to her chest, rocking and keening in mourning. Jamie never showed that photo to his family, although he planned to enter it in a contest at school.

Amanda liked having time to process her thoughts before meeting again with Phaff. She began keeping a journal of her feelings and fears. She would write in it as the mood struck her. Sometimes it contained happy memories and optimistic thoughts about the future. Other times, Amanda was able to pour her rage and pain out in words. It didn't matter if the writing was illegible, no one would ever see the tear stained pages or read the words written in a shaky hand as Amanda described the actions of her attacker and how she had fought back, trying to make sense of the senseless. 

Part of the problem was trying to deal with both attacks at the same time. The one in college that she had repressed wasn't nearly so horrific as the recent one. However, she had never faced the nauseating possibilities of the original attack. Sure, Amanda knew now that the bullies really wouldn't have come after her. But as a young girl, the fear had paralyzed her world. She had no skills to allow her to cope. The only thing her subconscious mind could do was to repress the memories, allowing her to go on with life. 

Dr. Phaff said that the early attack could be one reason Amanda clung to the security of rituals, such as spring cleaning. Lee reasoned that it was part of the reason that Amanda never stayed in the car. She was powerless in the car, trapped as she had been during the first attack. She needed to have the illusion of being in control of her life.

Dr. Phaff also thought that there was a good chance that she would have never remembered what happened, if not for her attack. Amanda wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. On one hand, it felt good to know that now she could take care of herself in a 'simple' situation like the first one. On the other hand, even with all her training, she had been unable to escape from the most recent attacker. It was frightening to think of how vulnerable women are simply because they are women. 

Even when Addie Birol held her captive, Amanda had not felt the fear she did that night in early September. Addie wanted to use her, but to get information, to find 'Nightcrawler'. Had he thought that raping her would help him, he might have done so, but Amanda, knowing that it was a means to an end, could have endured. At least that is what she told herself. The attack in September, coming as a random act, had shown her just how powerless people could be.

Some days Amanda wanted to just crawl back into the hole of denial she had disappeared into after the attack and pull it in after her. Those were the bad days. Lee was always there for her at those times. He would hold her in his strong capable arms and let her be scared. Lee had learned enough in his sessions with Phaff that he didn't try to assure Amanda that he would always protect her. He could only assure her that he was there for her now.

That was the demon Lee had to struggle with in this whole ordeal. He hadn't been there to stop the man who attacked his wife. Lee had been so afraid that Amanda would blame him. At first, he tried to distance himself from her pain so he wouldn't have to deal with his own. He started acting like the old 'Scarecrow', the one who never backed down from a challenge. One case went sour and Lee was grazed in the neck doing a milk run with a rookie agent. That brought him back to earth in a hurry.

Chapter Two

The first week after the attack had been very tense. Everyone tended to walk on eggshells around Amanda, as if she would drop back into denial when faced with a challenge. Most of the Agency knew about her attack but no one wanted to talk about it. It was as if by not saying the words out loud they could deny the reality and not have to deal with the uncomfortable feelings that the issue aroused.

Amanda had wanted to go back to work, she felt safe there and was close to Dr. Phaff and, of course Lee, in case she became upset. That first week, she practically hid in the Q Bureau, emerging only in the company of Lee or Billy. Not even Francine or Leatherneck could coax her out of her exile.

Lee entered the office mid morning after a meeting with Billy. Amanda had been up with Phaff and he expected her to be waiting for him at her desk or in the vault.

"Amanda, ready for lunch?" He called, hearing only silence in return. Lee's eyes narrowed and he reached for his gun. "Amanda?" He crossed the room to the vault, peering in, expecting to find the disarray that followed a struggle. Nothing, everything was in its place. 

Crossing the room, Lee put his gun away, feeling slightly foolish. He knew that he had over reacted pulling it. However, considering that Amanda refused to leave the office without him lately, he felt that he had just cause to be worried.

He called Phaff who assured him that he had left Amanda in the office about half an hour ago. 

Lee began pacing the floor. 'Where can she be?' he pondered the question. Exiting the room, Lee headed across the hall to check the ladies room. Knocking gently and calling out, he entered the forbidden zone but had no luck, his wife was not there either. Lee leaned back beside the entry door, shoulders slumped as he tried to think of where she might have gone.

When the door swung open, Lee swiftly turned, pouncing on the intruder. It was Mrs. Marsten. She jumped and caught Lee on the head with a quick move. Lee staggered slightly, having pulled his own punch when he recognized her.

"Mr. Stetson," she began in a slightly shrill voice. "I'm sorry but what are you doing in the ladies room?" She crossed her arms and stared at him, one foot tapping the floor.

Lee felt like a schoolboy caught in the girls locker room. He wondered if he was blushing. "Uh, uh, I was looking for Amanda, I was worried when she wasn't in the office. You, uh, have you seen her lately?" Lee knew he was stuttering and felt like a fool.

Mrs. Marsten took pity on him. "I saw her leave just after Dr. Phaff went by my desk on the way back to his office. Did you check your desk? She might have left you a note?"

"Good idea, uh, yeah, check for a note, I'll, uh, just do that. Thanks," Lee fled from the ladies room, certain that his face was the color of a beet.

Mrs. Marsten watched him enter the Q Bureau forgetting to close the door in his hurry. He headed to his desk and pick up a note, just as she had suspected. Then he left the building in a hurry.

Lee arrived at the Vietnam Memorial to find Amanda seated on the lawn facing it, a blank look on her face. Relief flooded his being when he saw that she was safe. Closing the distance between them, Lee stopped a few feet away and waited.

Amanda patted the grass beside her and Lee sat down. Neither spoke as the silence stretched into minutes. Finally Amanda looked at Lee and he could see that traces of tears on her face.

"Lee," she said in an even tone. "Did you know that there are twice as many women raped in one year than men who died in the entire war? And those are only the ones that are reported. Police estimate that only one in every six rapes is ever reported. Do you know how many rapes that adds up to in a year? Do you?" She asked, her voice rising slightly as she demanded an answer.

"Way too many, Manda, way too many." Lee was watching her carefully, wondering where this was going. "Why did you come here Amanda? What are you looking for?"

"The people whose loved ones died in the war are lucky, you know?" she stated.

Lee was startled to hear those words. He knew that Amanda had friends lost in Vietnam just as he had.

"At least," she went on her voice cracking slightly, "At least, they have a place to come and grieve. A memorial to their deaths. Where is the memorial to all the women whose souls are killed by rape every year? Where, Lee, where? Where do I go to mourn the Amanda that died that night? She's gone and I don't think she is ever coming back." With those words, the tears began to trickle down her face as she turned back to gaze, unseeing, to the black wall before them.

Lee sat beside her, not touching her, but allowing her time and space to grieve even as he grieved with her.

Chapter Three

She was still too fragile emotionally to risk making love to her husband. She was afraid of having flashbacks and reacting badly when he touched her. She was afraid, of hurting him, of being alone, of never being the person Lee had fallen in love with again. A part of that woman had died and Amanda struggled to discover what part of her was left, what part of her was still real.

Lee understood, he really did. But it was hard for him too. Since falling in love with Amanda, Lee had discovered the comfort that comes from making love with someone who loves you to the depths of your soul. He and Amanda had always been able to take that kind of comfort in each other. Now, he didn't want to push her. But, dear lord, how he needed her to be whole again. He was so afraid that this would be the thing that broke her. And he still feared that, somewhere in the recesses of her mind, Amanda would blame him. So he tiptoed around, not knowing just where to draw the line.

The second hardest thing for Amanda to deal with was being treated with kid gloves. She just wanted to sweep it away, to deny the reality, to go back to what her life had been. However, her work with Dr. Phaff had shown her the folly of that road. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was the name he gave her. And until it was dealt with, there was no chance for Amanda to go back in the field with Lee.

Still, the hardest thing to live with was the fear, not of another attack but of the possible consequences of the first one. The ones she couldn't bring herself to share with Lee. Amanda wrote in her journal daily, pondering the 'what-ifs'.

*************************************************************

Amanda's Journal

Day 8 after the attack.

Oh, god, I am so scared. What if I get pregnant by that monster? Lee and I have discussed having a child but we aren't in a hurry to change our lives. How could I stand it if I am pregnant? What will Lee think of me? The ER doctor gave me a pill that was supposed to prevent this from happening but nothing is certain in this life, is it?

Day 13

Lee refused to even hear about the possibilities. He all but ran out of the room when I mentioned that there could be a problem. Well, he knows our method of birth control as well as I do. He just refuses to think about it.

Day 17

I've been giving this a lot of thought. I dream, I see myself with a baby in my arms. Lee comes in the room and screams at me. I look down and the baby turns into that monster. He and Lee fight and Lee is killed. The monster starts toward me. I woke up screaming. I couldn't tell Lee the details, just had to mutter 'flashback'. He took me in his arms and held me as I wept. What am I going to do?

Day 21 

I'm late. Oh, my lord. I am never late. What if….

Sorry, I had to go throw up. Oh, god, that's even worse. What if it is morning sickness? What am I going to do? How can I keep a child conceived by rape? How can I kill an innocent baby? Maybe I should give it up? There are lots of people out there that will love a baby? But how could I give away my child? It's part of me. I would never recover if I lost my child.

What am I going to do?

*****************************************************

Unknown to Amanda, Lee was not oblivious to what could happen. At Dr. Phaff's urgings, he kept his own journal. He had begun before Amanda remembered the first attack. His was filled with anger. A lot was directed at the attacker. A lot more was directed at himself. He struggled to overcome his guilt but it was hard. 

*******************************************************************

Lee's Journal

__

Day 7 after the attack.

Amanda is more herself today. Our session with Phaff was almost easy. It's okay as long as I focus on helping her. But don't even ask me to analyze myself. I've done without it this long, I'll keep going. Stupid book. Why am I even writing in this…?

Day 8

I wish these stupid thoughts would just stop. I cannot stop thinking about what could be happening to Amanda. What if..What if that monster got her pregnant? I'll kill him!!! Oh, shut up, Stetson. I know you already did so. I wish I hadn't. I'd kill him over and over again for the pain he's caused her. I know how Phillip feels. I want to hurt him, I want to slowly tear him to pieces and grind him into hamburger. And then I will really start hurting him.

Day 12

I don't think it has dawned on Amanda yet that she could be pregnant. I wish she were on the pill. Then we would have a lot less to worry about. But, those things make her so sick. So we've been doing things the old fashioned way. Well, here's the payback for that, huh. Damn her, she should have just stuck it out. The doctor said her body would get used to it in time. 

Day 17

Amanda had another nightmare last night. All I could do was hold her. I pray to whatever God there is that she isn't carrying that bastard's child. She hinted around at that this morning, I had to leave the room or my rage would have taken over. I wanted to yell and scream at her for allowing this to happen to us, to me. I cannot have Amanda carry another man's child. She is MINE. It should be MY child, our child conceived in love, not by an act of violence. I cannot deal with this.

Day 18

Well, yesterday was incredible stupid. I couldn't stand being still. I talked Billy into letting me go on a milk run. I wasn't watching, and it went sour. Took a graze on the neck. Boy, that was so stupid. Am I losing it totally? I cannot believe I didn't see what was going on. Amanda read me the riot act when she got to the hospital. They wanted to keep me overnight but there was no way. I walked out and took a taxi home. Lied to Amanda, said the doc sprung me early for good behavior. Yeah, right. But she bought it and at least I can be here for her. She needs me so much.

Day 19

Amanda is late. I don't think she's noticed yet. Dear God, what am I going to do? I cannot love a child born of this, but how can I ask Amanda to get rid of it? I know how she feels; life is sacred, all life. Adoption is a possibility but she would hate me for the rest of our lives if I insist. How would she feel, never knowing where her child is? She's too good a mother to ever be able to deal with that. What am I going to do???

Day 20

Amanda woke up screaming and crying out my name. I held her close but she wouldn't talk about what was wrong. Jamie came running but Phillip stayed in his room. I hear him listening to the radio late into the night. I don't think he's sleeping. He won't talk about it. In the family session, he said he knew he wasn't to blame, but I'm not so sure. Geez, just what I need. Another problem to deal with right now. 

Day 21

I woke this morning to hear Amanda in the bathroom, being sick. No, please, if there is any mercy, NO. Don't let this happen to us.

Chapter Four

Amanda went back in the bedroom, Lee was still sleeping. How could she tell him? He would hate her for carrying another man's child. She crawled back in the bed, weeping silent tears. Lying, as far away from him as possible so he wasn't disturbed, Amanda cried as she contemplated their future or lack thereof. She couldn't give away or do away with a child. But how could Lee love a child that was a constant reminder of what he saw as his failure? Surely, he would hate them both. Amanda's sobs increase in strength and volume as she cried for all the pain she could see ahead of them.

Lee wanted to reach out for her, wanted to assure her that together they could work through anything. But it was obvious that she didn't want his comfort. He laid, nerves stretched to breaking, listening to her despair. After a while her breathing deepened and she fell into an uneasy sleep. Lee rose from their bed, taking care not to wake her. He showered and dressed. Amanda slept on. Crossing the room, Lee gazed down at the tearstained face of the woman he loved more than life and silently left the house as dawn began to break.

Lee was jogging. It had been over an hour since he left Amanda. His mind kept turning in circles and he knew that he was no good to anyone in his present state of mind. On impulse, he decided to visit Francine. He returned to the house and grabbed his keys. He noticed a dish in the kitchen sink. Phillip's backpack was gone. It was early for him to be at school. Maybe he had makeup work or something.

"Who is it!!" demanded the sleepy voice of Francine Desmond in response to the pounding on her door.

"Let me in, Francine."

Francine opened the door, seeing a very bedraggled Scarecrow in her hallway. "What are you doing here at," she peered at the clock. "6:30 in the morning?? God, what is wrong with you, Scarecrow? Most happily married folks are still snuggled up in bed. "

"Most happily married people's wives aren't pregnant by a rapist, Francine." Lee barged into the apartment and flopped on the couch.

Francine stood stunned. 'Surely not,' she thought. 'This can't be happening, what more could happen to these two.'

Lee echoed her thoughts. "This can't be happening, not to us." He gave Francine a pleading look, seeking reassurance. Seeing none in her face, he went on. "Amanda is so regular and now she's late." 

"But, Lee, that doesn't mean anything. Stress can cause women to be late. You have both been under a LOT of Stress lately." Francine tried to reassure him, the words sounding hollow even as they came out. "Besides, isn't she.. Don't you …" flustered Francine gave up. "Isn't she on the Pill?'

"No, they make her sick. We've just .. well.. used other means and been very careful. We've talked about having children. Well, we've talked about it but haven't made a commitment to trying." Lee grinned, remembering how those conversations usually ended. Faced with his fears, he quickly sobered.

"What am I going to do?"

"Lee, it's way early to assume anything, like I said. Didn't they give her something in the hospital to induce..just in case…I heard that they could do something like that," She ended lamely.

"If they did, it didn't work," Lee interrupted. "I heard her throwing up in the bathroom this morning."

"Oh, no," Francine covered her mouth with both hands and sat beside Lee on the couch. "Lee, I am so sorry. What are you going to do?"

Lee buried his face in his hands and muttered. "I have no idea, none at all." His shoulders began to shake as sobs ran through his body.

Chapter Five

Amanda woke to find Lee had left without waking her. That was good; she didn't think she could face him with this knowledge. Breathing a deep sigh, Amanda got up to face the day. She called Dr. Fields, her OB and scheduled a check up as soon as possible. That first available appointment was in two days. Since this wasn't an emergency, Amanda took it. She knew that the hospital records of her attack had been sent to Dr. Fields so at least she wouldn't have to explain. Until she knew for sure, Amanda intended to keep her suspicions to herself.

Phillip and Jamie had left for school. Amanda assumed that Lee had seen them off. She cleaned up the breakfast dishes, unable to eat herself. Lee was such a good stepfather. He deserved to have children of his own, not to have to raise yet another man's child. Tears started in Amanda's eyes but she pushed them back. 

She busied herself around the house and finally left for work, unsure if she would see Lee there or not. He had been avoiding the Q-Bureau as much as possible in the last few days, it seemed. Because she was still on desk duty, Francine had been partnering with Lee since the disastrous information exchange. Billy wanted to ground him but gave in to Lee's pleads that he would go nuts staying behind the desk any longer. Ever since IA had given him the go ahead after Arlington PD declined to file charges, Lee had been racing here and there, like a ping-pong ball.

Amanda entered IFF, took her badge from Mrs. Marsten and climbed the stairs to the office. As she had suspected, it was empty. She sat down at her desk and sighed. Staring off into space, Amanda was startled when the phone rang. She quickly answered it, hoping it was Billy or even Francine. Anyone who could take her mind of what she feared.

She was totally unprepared for the voice on the other end of the phone and as the words registered, all the blood drained from her face and she fell over in like a dead woman.

Chapter Six

Amanda woke slowly, not knowing where she was. As her vision cleared she recognized her surroundings. Amanda had been in this room many times with Lee. Usually he was the one lying on the exam table and she was hovering nearby. She was in the Agency infirmary, alone. Feeling abandoned, tears began to seep from her sad brown eyes. She blinked, trying to will the feeling away. 'Why am I here?' she thought, concentrating on the last thing she remembered. Like a bolt of lighting, memory returned and she shot straight off the bed, heading out the door.

"Whoa," came a voice as hands shot out to catch her. Dr. McJohn was trying to enter the room. "Just what do you think you are doing, young lady?" He looked at the sternly and pointed back to the bed. "Get in."

Amanda shook her head and tried to edge past him. She almost made it but Lee came barreling around the corner and ran full force into his wife. "Oomph!"

Catching Amanda in his arms as she tottered from the strength of his collusion. Lee looked expectantly at Dr. McJohn. "Well!!??" he demanded in a no nonsense tone, trying not to let the fear leak into his voice as he held his wife.

"Amanda, why don't you tell us what happened?" the doctor suggested quietly. Amanda again shook her head, trying to escape Lee's embrace. 

"I've got to go.." she began but Lee tightened his hold as McJohn shook his head at her. He deposited her back on the bed, standing close by her side.

"Oh, no, you aren't going anywhere until I get some answers," Lee said, an edge of anger mixed with concern evident in his voice. "I'm down on the shooting range with Leatherneck and Francine comes tearing in, in a panic, telling me to get up here, that you've collapsed. Then I find you trying to walk out without so much as an 'I'm sorry for scaring you'!!! What is going on?" Lee folded his arms, staring at Amanda hiding his concern behind a scowl. He didn't fool Amanda for a moment, she knew him too well to think he was really angry with her.

Dr. McJohn moved closer to Amanda, subtly-maneuvering Scarecrow off to the side. The doctor took Amanda's hand, supposedly to check her pulse, but in reality to give the two some space. "Amanda, what happened? Mrs. Marsten said you got a phone call. Then she heard a strange noise. When she called out you didn't answer. So she went to check on you and you were on the floor, unconscious." 

Lee gave a start when he heard why Amanda was in the infirmary. 'Had she fainted? That was another sign of being pregnant, wasn't it?' he wondered to himself, fear warring with distress inside of him.

"I got a call; it was the high school." Amanda took a deep breath but before she could go on Lee jumped in.

"Is something wrong with one of the boys?" he asked, concern reflected in his voice. 

"Phillip was caught fighting behind the gym, they had cut class. I don't know the story yet but the teacher said he was at the hospital. I've got to go, NOW." Amanda tried to stand again but swayed on her feet. Dr. McJohn steadied her. 

"Just a minute, Amanda, I need to check you out first. I'm sure Lee can go check on Phillip while I make sure you're steady on your feet. Then, we'll get you wherever you need to be, okay?" He turned to Lee, not waiting for an answer from her. "Lee, why don't you go see what's going on? We'll stay in touch."

Dr. McJohn jerked his head towards the door and Lee, taking the hint, kissed Amanda's forehead. As he turned to leave he reassured Amanda "I'll check on it, I'm sure it's nothing. Boys get into scrapes all the time. Now, you do what the doctor tells you," he added sternly.

As the door closed behind him, McJohn heard an almost inaudible sigh from the table. He turned to see Amanda slumped in despair. Tears were spilling from her eyes. 

"Tell me what's going on, Amanda." He said gently. "I know that your son getting in a fight is upsetting but it's not like you to go to pieces like this. What is it?"

Amanda took a deep breath, preparing to confide her fears to the doctor. Instead, the door opened and Francine entered. 

"Did Lee find you? Is everything okay, Amanda?" she went on without waiting for an answer, Amanda's rambling having rubbed off on her over the years. "The hospital is on the phone for you."

Amanda again turned pale and swayed. McJohn caught her as she began to fall while Francine watched, wide-eyed. "Get out," he said, anger now evident in his voice. "And send in the nurse."

Francine beat a hasty retreat, intent on returning to the bullpen as quickly as possible. She was not good in these kinds of situations.

Chapter Seven

Lee arrived at the hospital to find the school resource officer waiting on him. Joe King, they informed him, was on his way and where was Phillip's mother? Lee was saved from having to explain by Joe's arrival. 'This does not look good,' he thought as they were ushered into a conference room. Lee fought to shut out the memories of the last time he had been here, waiting to find out about Amanda.

"Well, what do we have here?" The school resource officer looked at the two well-dressed men in front of him. "Are you two…together?" he asked in a snide voice. Lee flushed with anger at the man's implication. Joe, seeing Lee's fists clench and the half step forward, held up his hand and answered. 

"I'm Joe King, Phillip's father. This is Lee Stetson, his stepfather. Now, what's going on, officer?" Joe watched Lee out of the corner of his eye and saw him regain control. Briefly, Joe wondered why Lee was on such a hair trigger. Then his attention was directed back to the officer by the words he heard. Joe and Lee both were stunned. In unison, they exclaimed, "He's what!!!"

"Going to be under arrest for assault, that's what I said. What's the matter, you deaf?" the officer snickered at his supposed cleverness, unaware how close he was to being pummeled by a Federal Agent. "So, where's his ma? I was told she has custody. I need to talk to her, that's the LAW, you know."

Joe was beginning to see red right along with Lee. This buffoon was making things a lot harder than they needed to be with his attitude. While he wondered where Amanda was as well, Joe was not going to allow this creep the satisfaction of knowing that he had gotten to him.

"I'm sure she'll be here as quickly as possible. Is she out on location, Lee?" Joe's words pulled Lee back from the fog of rage.

"Yeah, she's out of touch at the moment. They sent someone to get her. I'm sure they'll be along soon. In the meanwhile, I am the stepfather; he lives with me. His father is a lawyer. Can't you tell us what is going on?" Lee pushed down his anger and concentrated on reciting his mantra. The Agency training taught this was a good way to deal with torture but it seemed appropriate at the moment. On second thought, maybe having to deal with family issues WAS torture.

"Well," drawled the officer. "The story we can piece together is the kids were skipping class and came on your son behind the gym, crying. Boys being what they are, one of them began taunting him. Phillip came at him, fists flying, out for blood. And he got it, too. Beat the other boy pretty bad, he's got a broken jaw, serious face cuts and bruised ribs. That boy of yours is pretty good with his fists. You'd teach him that, Dad? Is that why the missus left you? Like to beat up on her, huh?" Turning to Lee, he went on. "Or was it you? Tying to 'bond' by teaching him to fight like you? Yeah, don't think I can't see you want a piece of me." He taunted the two men, not knowing what a ticking time bomb was in front of him.

Before either could answer the door opened and Officer Gelmini entered. Lee had met her after Amanda's assault when she came to help with the questioning at the house. He respected her as a fellow professional, unlike this buffoon in front of him. Gemini nodded to Lee and took the school officer by the arm to the corner where they quietly conferred. 

Lee and Joe could see the school officer gesturing, pointing at his notebook and the two men. Gelmini shook her head and ushered him out of the room.

"Sorry about that, Mr. Stetson. Officer Parsons is a idiot. So, what's going on here?"

Neither man could give her any details, as they hadn't seen Phillip yet. Knowing the situation, Gelmini had a good idea that Phillip was acting out his anger from Amanda's attack. With reassurance that Phillip would continue to get help, she would allow Lee to take him home when the doctor was ready to release him.

"I'll check on the other boy and get back with you. I doubt there will be any criminal charges. He'll have consequences with the school, though," she warned before leaving the room.

Joe turned to Lee as the door closed behind her. "Okay, so where is my wife?" he demanded.

"Your EX-wife, She's my wife now and you'd better remember that. " Lee's temper was threatening to boil over. "She's at work. When the school called, she fainted and I left her under the doctor's care while I came to check on Phillip. I'm going to check in on her now, unless you need me for something more?" Lee stated, sarcasm dripping from his voice.

Joe backed away from the barely leashed violence in Lee, gesturing for Lee to do what he would.

Lee left the room to make the call. Joe stood in silence, pondering the recent turn of events.

Chapter Eight

Amanda lay back on the bed, tears welling up from her eyes, limp. She just couldn't deal with this anymore. She wanted to sleep and wake up to find the past weeks had been a horrible nightmare. 

Dr. McJohn was looking down at her with concern. Amanda was pale and shaking. The nurse entered the room and he whispered to her to call Dr. Phaff down and bring in something for Amanda to eat. They always kept a supply of energy bars for agents in need.

"Amanda, when's the last time you ate something?" he asked, his voice gentle.

Amanda opened her eyes, trying to focus. "Uh, yesterday morning, maybe? I..I haven't been hungry. I threw up this morning." The tears that had been threatening overwhelmed her as that memory returned. Turning to her side, Amanda curled into a ball and sobbed.

McJohn placed a comforting hand on her back, gently rubbing, trying to give her comfort, murmuring soothing words. As the sobs lessened he spoke. "Amanda, talk to me. I understood from Phaff that you were doing well, what's brought all this about?"

Amanda confided her fears, explaining her conflicting emotions. Dr. McJohn offered to run a blood test, explaining that it might not be 100% accurate this early. Amanda agreed, needing some information, anything at this point.

She began to nibble on the energy bar and sip orange juice while the nurse took blood and left for the lab. Amanda laid back to rest, her mind a blank, and closed her eyes.

In a short while the door opened and Dr. McJohn entered followed by Dr. Phaff,

Amanda was sleeping, shadows visible under her eyes even in the dim light. The two men watched her silently for a few moments then Dr. Phaff cleared his throat, trying to get her attention. When she slept on, oblivious, he reached out and shook her arm. Amanda wakened with a start, hands coming up to fend him off.

"Whoa, it's just me," he said in a soothing tone. "Amanda, Dr. McJohn tells me you aren't doing very well. Do you want to talk about it?"

Amanda shook her head, feeling stronger after the food and rest. "I need to find out what's going on with my son. Has Lee called?"

"No, I haven't heard from him, but, Amanda, give him some time. He's got to get there and find out details. I'm sure he'll be in touch when he has some information for you. Listen," McJohn went on, "I'm going to go down to the lab and see what the results of that test show. Why don't you talk to Dr. Phaff while I'm gone?" With that statement, Dr. McJohn left the room, locking the door behind him.

Amanda told Dr. Phaff what she feared and her struggles to come to terms with the possibility; how she couldn't bear to talk to Lee about the subject and the pain it would cause them both.

"Not that I am totally against abortion. But it's not for me. I just couldn't live with myself if I did that. But how could I keep a child conceived in this way? And how could I give my child, a part of me, away? What about Lee, he doesn't deserve this. He deserves better than to have to raise a monster's child. What are we going to do?" She buried her face in her hands as tears threatened to overwhelm her once again.

Dr.Phaff listened, careful not to let his thoughts show on his face. Amanda was getting worse instead of better. Granted she was dealing with the attacks themselves but she and Lee were being torn apart over this other issue. They had to talk to each other. He set up a meeting with them both for the next afternoon. Dr. Phaff wrote out a prescription that upped the dosage on the anti-depressant he had put Amanda on after the first session and left the room as Dr. McJohn returned, test results in hand.

Amanda waited, unsure if she wanted to know. She was steeling herself to ask when McJohn broke the silence. "Right now, the results are negative. But, remember I warned you that it's too early to tell. Even an OB couldn't tell quite this early. I'm not sure even an ultrasound would show anything at this point, but you need to check with your OB. As for being late, Amanda, you've been under a lot of stress. That can easily cause this. Since you don't have any other physical symptoms right now, try to think positively and relax. And eat, young lady!!!" he scolded her.

There was a knock on the door and Billy stuck his head in the door. "Amanda, are you alright? I got back from my meeting and Francine filled me in."

"I'm better now. In fact," she turned to McJohn. "Can I leave? I need to find out what's going on with Phillip."

Dr. McJohn allowed her to go, extracting a promise that she would eat and see her OB in a week or so if she was still worried. Billy promised to escort her home, stopping for lunch on the way and to get her medicine.

Chapter Nine

Lee talked to Francine when he called. Billy was headed down to see how Amanda was doing. After telling Francine that he, Joe and Phillip would meet Amanda at home Lee returned to the conference room to find a bedraggled looking Phillip sitting at the table while his father lectured him. Phillip had a bloody nose and bruised hands. His face was covered in scrapes and his clothes were torn and ragged, splattered in blood. Looking at him, Lee got a flash as to how he must have looked after killing Amanda's attacker. He shook his head and walked over to the table.

"Are we ready to go here?" he asked in a quiet voice. Phillip nodded, unable to meet his gaze. Joe took Phillip in his car while Lee settled up the paperwork. Joe stopped at Marvelous Marvin's for burgers for the three of them. They settled in the den to eat. Phillip refused to look at either man and wouldn't talk about what had happened. 

Seemingly out of the blue, Phillip exploded at Lee and Joe.

"Just leave me alone!! It was no big deal, just some smart guy mouthing off so I taught him a lesson. Isn't that what 'men' do? Take care of things by themselves?" Phillip shouted as he stormed out of the room. Joe and Lee heard the door slam and lock as Phillip threw himself on the bed, staring off into the nothingness of pain that his life had become.

It felt like his life was falling apart. This past summer had been the best of his life. He had a steady girlfriend, even if no one knew about them yet. Her name was Elayna and she was beautiful. He father was really strict though so they couldn't go out until she got older.

He had been chosen to play with the jazz group and met King Eddie, he was so cool. It had been hard work and Phillip had to choose between the performance or staying on the swim team at the Y. He had chosen the music but now that seemed to have been the wrong choice. 

If he had not been at the benefit, his mother would never have been coming home by herself. The man would never have attacked her. No matter what anyone said, Phillip knew that somehow, he was responsible for what had happened.

And this year in school was really hard. For the first time in his life, Phillip King was struggling to keep up with his classes. His Latin teacher was really the pits but Mom wouldn't let him drop the class.

"You chose to take that class, Phillip. Now you have to honor that choice.," was her answer when he broached the subject. Dad had been furious to see his first progress report with B's and C's on it. Phillip tried to explain that he would work harder and pull it up but Dad wouldn't listen. Ever since Carrie had the baby, Dad had been so unreasonable about things. 

He wanted Phillip to concentrate on sports and school and forget anything else in his life. Phillip was growing past the point where he obsessed about playing ball as he had in his younger years. 

"Anyway," he thought to himself, "Mom was always the one there for me, not Dad. What gives him the right to interfere with my choices now?" He thought resentfully.

"I couldn't even pass my driver's test," Phillip thought, bitterly. "Some star student and athlete I turned out to be."

Chapter 10

Billy dropped Amanda off at the front walk after spying Lee's Corvette in the drive, declining to come in for coffee. He had given her a stern lecture on the way home about talking through things with Lee and the family. He watched her walk dejectedly to the door and knew that this was not over by a long shot.

Amanda entered the den, automatically going around and picking up the trash, disposing of the litter left from lunch. Lee and Joe shared an amused look. Joe stood and took the debris from her hands as Lee took Amanda by the hand and seated her on the couch.

"Are you better? I was so worried about you," Lee stroked her hand as he looked at her face, tearstains still evident from earlier. Putting his arms around her, Lee pulled her close. "Manda, honey, we'll get through this, I promise you. It'll be okay, just hang in here. I'm here, lean on me." His soothing reassurances echoed in her ear as Amanda shuddered, still fighting for control. She wanted more than anything to stay safe and protected in Lee's arms at this moment and make the world go away.

Joe watched from the kitchen as Amanda held herself stiffly in Lee's embrace. He knew that look on her face. She was holding her emotions inside, not wanting to cause pain to her family. He had seen that look every time he came home from the EAO before they got divorced. She had wanted to make things work for their family. She kept putting her own emotions aside, trying to convince him and herself of the reasons Joe should stay in DC. It wasn't until late in the relationship that she finally blew up and let her own fear and anger at him come spewing out.

__

(FLASHBACK)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Amanda, I want you and the boys to come with me, we'll make a new life together. The boys are young, they won't have any problem with the move," he trotted out the same old arguments they had been over time and again. "I need you by my side," Joe crossed the room and took Amanda in his arms, blowing softly into her ear, that move always made her squirm.

Amanda squirmed all right, with annoyance. 'Will Joe ever learn how much that bothers me?' she thought as she wiggled out of his embrace, moving across the room.

"What about me, Joe? I want to get my Master's degree. I can't do that very well out in the wilds, now can I? What if one of the boys gets sick? The medical facilities are nonexistentover there. And I will not take the chance with my children's health. That's final, Joe. We are NOT moving." Amanda crossed her arms in front of her, her face set in a frown.

"Baby, if that's all you're worried about, we'll get a place in a big city, where medical facilities are available. You can take the next few years off, get to know the people, the culture, they are a great people, Amanda, " Joe followed her across the room and took her by the shoulders, lowering his lips to hers.

He was thrown off balance when she shoved him backward and crossed out of the kitchen into the den.

"So, you want to drag me and the boys halfway across the world to be with you and then abandon us in the city, the big, dangerous, polluted city while you go off who knows where to do your job?" Her voice rose with every word as she stood by the bookshelf, her fingers twitching. "Well, no thanks, Joe, I can be alone here and be much happier. So go if you want to, I..AM..NOT..MOVING..MY..FAMILY."

With those words, Amanda had picked up his tennis trophy from high school and thrown it at him. Joe ducked, astonished at the rage in her voice. He never dreamed that Amanda would defy him so.

"Amanda West King, you are my wife and you WILL go with me. I have been patient with these foolish ideas of yours but a wife's place is with her husband and we ARE moving. That's it. So I suggest that you start working on the plans. I'd like to be ready to pick you and the boys up in about 6 weeks. That will give you plenty of time to get packed, shots and what have you. That's the END of this discussion." Joe turned his back on her and headed out the room.

Then all hell broke lose behind him. He heard smashing and screaming. Things flew by his head, striking the wall behind him. Joe swiftly turned to see Amanda in a rage. She had knocked down all the trophies and was throwing books at him. He couldn't make out her words but Joe knew that he had pushed things too far.

He threw up his hands to defend himself and tried to cross the room to calm her down. When the brass bookend caught him in the temple he almost passed out. In fact he staggered and fell over the sofa. Raising a hand to the side of his head, Joe felt blood trickling down. Amanda saw him fall and then saw the blood. Aghast at her actions, she froze in place. Joe rose and spoke.

"I'll take that as a NO. You know where to reach me if you change your mind," he spoke quietly. Joe turned and left the house, certain that Amanda would regret her actions and reach out to him, but she never did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joe had seen a side of Amanda that day that she kept very private. She had raged at him and thrown anything within reach. It wasn't until she hit him with the bookend and he started bleeding that she calmed down. They both knew that was the end. He'd left and filed for divorce in a few weeks.

Chapter Eleven

Armed with the knowledge he now had about her college experience, Joe could understand Amanda's reluctance to go with him was due to fear of the unknown. She could not face the unknown territory that the move would cause her to confront. She needed the security and control of her world in a way the Joe have never realized during their marriage. In fact, Amanda probably didn't know why she was so upset by the idea. She only knew that she was and no amount of logic or argument would make her change her mind.

Joe had hoped that the passing years had helped Amanda learn to express that private insecure side. He thought that Lee was everything she needed in a man. She had opened up to new experiences with him that was for sure. More than she ever had with him, Joe thought ruefully. Maybe he was wrong. Lee was a good stepfather to his sons. Joe hoped they could work things out better than he and Amanda had been able to in the past.

Amanda pulled from Lee's embrace. "Where's Phillip? Is he okay? What happened?" She rose to go upstairs to check on her son but Lee pulled her back down. He explained what had happened and why, as far as they knew, Phillip was listening from the top of the stairs when he heard his mother come in the house. Slowly he came down, still hanging his head.

"Phillip," Amanda rose to embrace her son. After giving him a big hug, she pulled back and lifted his head, examining the damage. Shaking her head, Amanda was speechless. 

"Phillip," Lee said in a low warning voice.

"I'm sorry, Mom, Dad, Lee. I'm sorry, Okay?? I didn't mean to get in a fight. I just wanted to be left alone. Why can't everyone just leave me alone!!!!"? Phillip raced out of the room, leaving the adults in shocked silence. He slammed the door to his room and sobbed in his pillow.

Amanda started to rush up the stairs after him but Joe and Lee both held her back. Shaking off their hands, Amanda turned on the two men. "What do you think you are doing? Can't you see he needs me?" She brushed past them and ran upstairs, stopping at the locked door, her heart aching for the sobs she could hear. Knocking softly, she called, "Phillip, sweetheart, can I come in? Phillip, open the door, Phillip."

Silence, then a voice called spoke. "Why don't you just pick the lock? You know how, don't you? Didn't they teach you ANYTHING in spy school!!"

Amanda inhaled sharply, hurt by the accusation in his tone. "Phillip, I could pick this lock in 2 seconds but that would be very disrespectful of me, to invade your privacy like that. I'd like to give you the same respect I ask you to give to Lee and I. Now, will you open the door?"

Amanda heard footsteps cross the floor, a click and the footsteps receding. Taking a deep breath, she entered the room. Phillip had moved into his grandmother's old room just after Amanda's assault. She had not been in since that day, giving him the privacy a teenager needed. What met her eyes was shocking. Clothes were lying all around the room, papers crushed and thrown into the corners. The bed was unmade and there were dirty dishes on the floor, covered by sports equipment.

Amanda forced herself to ignore the chaos around her, knowing that her son needed her understanding, not a lecture. But her heart ached for the little boy who was so proud that he kept his side of the room cleaner than his little brother did.

"Phillip, tell me what's going on with you?" She sat in the chair beside the overflowing desk after moving the debris out of it. "You really had me worried, sweetheart. Why were you out of class and what happened to start a fight?"  


"Oh, yeah, Mom, I could tell you were worried. You didn't even come to the hospital to see if I was alive or dead, that's how worried you were," Phillip's voice rose louder with each word. "You couldn't even be bothered. What was it that kept you away? Another terrorist? A hijacking? A hangnail? What is it that was more important than your son lying in a hospital?"

Amanda was stunned by the anger Phillip was venting on her for not being there earlier that day. She was speechless, hurt beyond words at his accusations.

"Well, Mom, what excuse do I get this time? Even Lee managed to get away, but not my Mother. She's too busy 'saving the world' to be bothered. " Phillip had been pacing as he lambasted Amanda with his words, never noticing how pale she had become.

Chapter Twelve

Lee and Joe heard the voice raised in anger. As Phillip got louder, they could make out the words he was hurling. When he got to the part about Lee coming but not Amanda, Lee was on his way up the stairs. He reached Phillip's doorway just in time to catch Amanda as she swayed backward, Phillip's words striking her like a blow.

Phillip turned at the sound of Lee's footsteps, seeing his mother collapse and Lee catch her. With an anguished cry of "I didn't mean it, Mom, I'm sorry," he crossed to her side, trying to push Lee away and comfort his mother. Angry at Phillip's selfishness, Lee turned on him. 

"This is why your Mother didn't come today. She collapsed when the school called her at work. She spent the morning in the infirmary, recovering. And then you pull this foolish stunt. What did you expect her to do? Be overjoyed? Hasn't she suffered enough because of you?" Lee spat out the angry words as he swept Amanda into his arms and carried her into their bedroom. He regretted the words he had just spoke to Phillip. Lee knew that he'd have to make amends, but right now, all he could focus on was the woman in his arms.

Phillip gave his mother a stricken look. He tore down the stairs, past his father and out the door. Joe stared after him, torn between going after his son and making sure Amanda was all right. Joe charged up the stairs, seeing Lee kneeling beside Amanda lying on the bed beginning to stir. He whispered to Lee that he'd follow Phillip and departed.

Chapter Thirteen

Joe searched for Phillip, driving around the neighborhood, visiting all the usual haunts. There was no sign of him and Joe became worried. Finally he returned to the house in defeat.

"I can't find him," Joe stated, holding the drink Lee had pressed on him in his hands. "I just don't understand him lately. He doesn't enjoy the things he used to. His grades are falling; he spends too much time alone. It's like he doesn't care about making a success of his life." Taking a deep swig, Joe went on. "How's Amanda?"

Lee could only shake his head, worried sick but unable to convey his fears to this man who had once been Amanda's lover, the man who was the father of her children. 'Children,' Lee thought to himself. 'I never knew just how much I wanted a child with Amanda until faced with the possibility that there might be a child, and it won't be mine.' Lee crossed to the bar and fixed himself another stiff drink. He inclined his head at Joe, silently asking if he needed another. With a small shake of the head, Joe declined.

"I think I'll keep looking. You'll let me know if he comes home, won't you?" Taking Lee's silent nod as assent, Joe left worried about the future of his children in the Stetson home. Maybe it was time for a change.

Amanda came down the stairs after Joe had left. She couldn't bear to see the accusations she knew were in his eyes. She had failed; she had failed as a wife, as an agent and now as a mother. Her son was in pain and she was the reason. And if her fears in the other matter were justified, well, the consequences didn't bear thinking about. For the first time, Amanda began to consider her options. She knew that the stress of a pregnancy would be the end of her relationship with Phillip. And Lee, he would be there for her, Amanda never doubted that. But the pain it would cause him. Silently shaking her head, Amanda crossed to the bar, fixing herself a drink.

At the sound of clinking of glass, Lee turned from gazing out the window and found Amanda downing a shot of Scotch. As usual, she made a face at the taste. When she picked up the bottle to pour another, Lee intervened.

"Don't." he said quietly. "That's not the answer, Amanda." He reached out to take the bottle from her hand.

"Answer," laughed Amanda, slightly hysterical. "Answer, Lee? There is no answer. That's the problem. I've got all kinds of questions but There.. Are.. No.. Answers. At least this will make me forget."

She wrestled him for the bottle but Lee was stronger. He threw the bottle across the room, shattering it on the wall.

"No," he shouted. "I won't let you do this to yourself, to us. Amanda," he took her sobbing frame in his arms. "Baby, it will work out, I promise you. Whatever happens, I will never leave you. I love you and I will stand with you until the end of time."

Amanda's pain rose up in her body, causing her to double over. Lee quickly lifted her in his arms, carrying her to the couch in the den. He held her and rocked her, uttering soothing sounds while she gave into the despair that had haunted her all day, the racking sobs threatening to tear her apart.

When the storm subsided into gentle sobs, Lee hoped that the worst was over. He loved this woman with all his soul and he would die to protect her from this pain. 'It's time,' he decided. 'To talk about this or things will only get worse. I have to let her know that I know what could be happening to her, to us. And I've got to tell her that nothing will ever come between us. NOTHING.' The expression on his face was fierce as this thought passed through his mind.

Lee tenderly wiped her tears, tilting her blotched face up meet his gaze. "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever known, Amanda Stetson." With those words, he bestowed a gentle kiss on her forehead and rose. He ducked into the kitchen, returning with a glass of water and aspirin in one hand, a cool cloth in the other.

Amanda took the aspirin; she had a raging headache from her tears. The cloth she laid across her forehead and eyes as she lay back in Lee's arms.

"Oh, Lee. I'm so sorry. It's just…"

Lee tried to shush her, assuring her that he understood. "I want to cry too," he admitted. "But, Amanda, it will be alright." He said the last forcefully, trying to make her believe his words. "Whatever happens, we will make it alright, together."

Amanda needed to speak, needed to share what fears were driving her so insane. Slowly she began to explain to Lee what could be happening. 

"Amanda, I know." He stopped her before she could put the possibility into words. "I know. I track these things, too, you know," he said, concern evident in his voice. "Of course I noticed. I heard you this morning too, in the bathroom."

Amanda's eyes shot up to his, unsure what she would see in them. Lee gazed down at her, love reflected in his eyes. His hands moved down to caress her stomach. "We'll face this together as well. Together, Amanda, forever. I'm here for you. And nothing will ever make me change the way I feel for you. Nothing!!" he declared vehemently.

Tears stared to well in Amanda's eyes at his words, but she blinked them back. There had been enough feeling sorry for herself about this. She didn't even know if there was a problem and, as Lee said, they'd deal with things, whatever happened. Amanda explained the results of Dr. McJohn's tests but cautioned Lee that it was not a certainty.

They sat in silence as the sky darkened and evening fell.

Chapter Fourteen

Jamie had after school practice and Dotty was picking him up. They entered the dark house, surprised. Both cars were outside and the front door was unlocked but it looked as if no one was home. Dotty's nose twitched as she approached the den. There was a strong smell of Scotch. She heard broken glass tinkling underfoot and stopped in her tracks, holding out an arm to stop Jamie from entering the room.

"Jamie, go back outside, go next door and call the police. Something isn't right here," she whispered. Jamie turned to obey her, but his foot tangled in Phillip's backpack, carelessly left in the hall. 

"Ouch, blast it, that hurt." He exclaimed, hopping up and down on one foot while his grandmother tried to shush him. "Phillip, you wormhead, I'm gonna get you for this. Where are you?"

Two voices spoke as one. "Don't call your brother names!" Lee and Amanda's heads popped up from the couch where they had dozed in the aftermath of the emotional storm. 

"Amanda. Lee, what on earth? I thought we'd had a break-in. Why are you sitting here in the dark?" Dotty bustled around, turning on the lights. "And what in the world happened to this bottle?" She turned to stare at the couple and heaved a sigh. "Never mind, I'm sure I don't really want to know."

"I'll clean it up, Dotty," Lee said, rising from his place on the couch. "Jamie, will you get me the dustbin?" Lee began picking up the large pieces of glass as Dotty crossed to Amanda. 

"Headache, dear?" she asked, seeing the traces of tears still on Amanda's face. Amanda took a deep breath.

"Yes, but, Mother, it's worse that that. It's Phillip." Amanda didn't know how to even start telling her mother about the events of the day.

"Oh, yeah, Grandma, Phillip is in trou-uh-ble," sang Jamie. "He got in a fight at school. I heard he got expelled."

"That's enough, Jamie," said Lee sharply. "Yes, there was trouble at school but.."

"What?" asked Dotty, suddenly very worried. "Lee, what?" 

"He's run off, mother, and we don't know where he is." Amanda filled in the silence.

To Be Continued

WARNING:

This is a serious story about rape and possible consequences. I am not advocating abortion nor condemning it. It is in this story simply because it is an alternative that is there to be considered. Later in the story, you will find Joe King acting in a manner that that is contrary to the generally accepted character. There are reasons for this, please suspend judgement until you finish the story. The same holds true for Phillip and his actions. Teenagers are changeable and no one knows what may trigger a crisis such as Phillip's. I hope that I have tied all the loose threads together by part 9. 


	2. Chapter 2/7

But It Will Make You Miserable First

See Chapter One for disclaimers, Warnings, etc.

Detailed warning at the end of Chapter One.

Chapter Fifteen

"I'm sure he'll come back," Lee offered, half-heartedly. "He just needs some time to think about things."

"Maybe we should start calling his friends. I'm sure they are home by now," Dotty offered.

"Good idea, Grandma. I'll get Phillip's phone book. I know where he hides it." Jamie smirked at having outsmarted his big brother, even if Phillip never knew about it. "You know, Mom, Phillip has been acting weird lately, I mean weirder than he usually is. I'm kinda worried about him." He gazed at Amanda, expecting her to reassure him that she'd make everything all right. She had always fixed everything that had gone wrong in the past; surely she could fix this as well.

Amanda crossed the room and took her youngest son in an embrace. She wanted to fix this for him; she wanted to turn back the clock and have their lives go on, unchanged by that awful night. But such magic was beyond her and, again, she felt like a failure for shattering Jamie and Phillip's trust in their perfect mother. These were her babies and Amanda wanted to protect them from any pain life threw at them. Oh, in her head, Amanda knew that this was unrealistic, but her heart disagreed and she mourned for the loss of their childhood innocence.

Jamie seemed to understand what she couldn't put into words. He gave her a big hug in return and a peck on the forehead. 'When did he get so tall,' Amanda wondered. Jamie turned and headed up the stairs, mumbling about getting the book, hiding his tears from the adults.

Lee and Dotty, witnessing the scene before them, were equally moved. Lee by the confusion on Amanda's face as she realized that Jamie knew she could no longer fix his world. Dotty by the remembrance of the first time she had seen that look on Amanda's face. That was the day Dotty had told her that her Father would never be coming home. Dotty's heart ached again at the pain being inflicted on her family and turned away from Amanda so she would not see the tears. 

Lee saw the shudder that passed through Dotty's body and took her in his arms, silently offering comfort. They stood together, Dotty giving thanks once again that Lee had come into their lives.

"I'll call Joe and see if he's had any luck," Amanda said, breaking the silence. "Then we can start calling around."

"Good idea, Amanda.Maybe Lee and I should drive around the neighborhood and look for him, " Dotty said, looking at Lee, willing him to agree. She wanted to talk to him alone.

Lee felt Dotty's gaze, silently pleading with him. "Uh, sure, that's a good idea, too. Call me on the car phone in the Jeep if you hear anything, okay?" He crossed the room and took Amanda in his arms, giving her a reassuring caress. "We'll find him, never doubt that."

Chapter Sixteen

Lee led Dotty to the Jeep and helped her in. At her questioning glance, he explained. "We have a better line of sight, higher up. Plus there will be room to bring him home. The 'Vette would be too crowded. Don't worry, Dotty, we'll find him."

There was silence as they backed out and began crawling through the neighborhood, peering through the deepening gloom, searching for a glimpse of Phillip.

"So," Lee broke the silence, taking a right hand turn towards the ball field. "I get the feeling you wanted to talk to me. What is it?"

"Oh, Lee. I just don't know where to start. Amanda hurts so much and I can't help her. And then to see her suffering the same pain I feel when it comes to her boys.. I just don't know what to do. I wish I could make it all go away, for everyone. Oh, don't think I haven't seen your pain, too. You may fool that boss of yours and you may fool my daughter but I've seen a lot of suffering in my days. I know what it looks like. You've got to talk about it, Lee. Or it will eat you alive. " Dotty paused for breath, looking out her window. "Lee, is that..? No, that's a girl. Silly me. Anyway, what I mean is that you and Amanda have to work on not letting this tear you apart. You two are too good for each other. Why, I've never seen her this happy, not since her father died. And I want her to be happy again."

Lee shook his head, still bemused at how the West women could get so many words out of a single breath. He was going to have to find out how they did that, one day.

"Dotty, I am talking about it. To the same doctor Amanda is, at work. Don't worry," he added. "I plan to talk to Amanda as well, when things calm down. She, may I remind you, is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm not about to lose her without a fight."

Dotty took Lee's hand in hers and gave it a squeeze. "I'm here for you, too. Since your own mother can't be, Lee. I just want you to know that I'll help you anyway I can. And, if there's something that needs to stay between just us two," Dotty took a deep breath, feeling as if she might be going too far, "then, I promise you, that I will keep your confidences, even from Amanda, if you need me too."

Lee was touched by her words. He and Dotty has become friends over the years but the last weeks had drawn them in a tight bond of shared concern for the one they loved. Lee knew that her offer was from the heart and the love and trust it represented for him lightened his heart.

"Thank you," he said simply. "Dotty.." But whatever he was going to say was lost as the phone rang.

Chapter Seventeen

Amanda merely shook her head as Lee left, unwilling to set herself up for any more disappointment. She took the phone and dialed Joe's number as Lee and Dotty headed out the back door. Jamie came back down the stairs with Phillip's phone book in hand just in time to hear the end of the conversation between his mother and father.

"Well, Joe, we are looking for him. Why don't you come back and help us look? Oh, I see, your career is more important than your son. Well, so what else is new? You've never been here in the past, why should you care where he is now!!" Amanda slammed the handset onto the receiver, turning to see Jamie standing, stricken, behind her.

Amanda ran her hands through her hair, a habit she had picked up from Lee when he was frustrated. Forcing a calm smile on her face, she spoke "Did you find what we need, sweetheart?" At Jamie's nod Amanda went on. "Okay, who do you think we should start with? Who would he be most likely to go to when he's upset?"

Jamie still had not spoken to her; he merely opened the book and pointed to a name. Amanda felt terrible. There was enough hurt going around, Jamie didn't need to hear her berating his father. Besides, Joe had been there earlier for Phillip when she wasn't able to be.

"Jamie, I'm sorry. It was wrong of me to yell at your father. He looked for your brother before he went home and couldn't find him. I was unfair. I'm just so very.." Amanda's voice trailed off.

"Upset, yeah, I know Mom, I know. It'll be okay. We'll find weaselhead; he's just hiding out, feeling sorry for himself. He'll be home before you know it."

It was a measure of Amanda's pain that she didn't even reprimand Jamie for calling his brother names. Together, they called the guys in Phillip's book but no one had seen him. When the phone rang, Amanda jumped, her heart racing as she answered it.

"Is this Amanda Stetson?" a voice spoke in her ear. When she answered affirmatively, the voice went on. "I'm Dean Stout, Elayna's father. " 

Amanda professed her ignorance of what he was talking about. He went on. "Your son, Phillip, has been calling my daughter quite a lot lately. He thinks he's her boyfriend."

Jamie nodded his head, whispering in Amanda's ear that the two hung out together at school.

"Yes, Mr. Stout, is there something I can do for you? I'm afraid you've caught me at a bad time."

"Yeah, you can come get your disgraceful son. He broke into my house this afternoon. Why wasn't he at school, anyway? He looks terrible, said he'd been in a fight. He's been hiding in the basement all afternoon. I want him gone. And I want him to leave my daughter alone. We don't want anything to do with a good-for-nothing like your boy, ya hear me?"

Amanda took down his address, assuring him the Lee would be there soon. She offered profound apologies for Phillip's behavior but Mr. Stout wasn't interested. After assuring him that they would take care of any damage, Amanda hung up, limply leaning against the counter. Jamie took the phone from her hand and called Lee, giving him the information. Then he called his dad to bring him up to date. To say that Joe was unhappy about Phillip's unlawful entry was an understatement. Jamie got an earful until, nerves stretched to the breaking point, he shouted back. 

"Yeah, well, there are lotsof things you don't know about us, Dad. I guess this is just another one." Jamie slammed the phone down and turned to Amanda, still leaning in the same place. He took her by the arm and led her to the den, devoutly praying that Lee and his grandmother would soon be home and he could go away from the rampant pain in this house.

Chapter Eighteen

Lee and Dotty returned with Phillip about twenty minutes later. Amanda had not moved or spoken since getting off the phone. Phillip wasn't talking either. He maintained a stubborn silence on the drive home. Not even his grandmother could get him to acknowledge their presence. When they enter the house, Phillip charged straight up to his room, slamming and locking the door.

Jamie whispered to Lee what was going on with his mother and then he went to his room as well, unable to bear the tension downstairs any longer.

Dotty shook her head and whispered to Lee. "Remember what I told you. I'll be home if you need me." She headed out the door in silence, leaving Lee and Amanda alone in the den.

"Amanda, are you alright?" Lee sat beside her and took her hand. "Amanda?"

Amanda turned to him, giving Lee a bright smile and his heart sank. 'Oh, no, not again.' He thought, remembering the days just after the attack when Amanda had blocked everything from her mind and insisted that she was fine. 'I cannot live through that again, please,' Lee prayed. 'Please don't let this happen again.'

Amanda could see the thoughts running across Lee's face. She knew he was trying so hard not to let his fear take over. Taking pity, she leaned into him and his arm automatically closed around her.

"It's okay, Lee. I'm still here." Amanda felt a sigh escape Lee at her response. "I just had to take a step back. It's been too much today. I know it's all still there but I can't think about it right now. I just can't. Is Phillip okay? Mr. Stout was so mad, you should have heard the things he said about my baby."

"I did hear them, he gave me quite an earful, too. I thought your mother was going to hit him she got so upset. But, he's going to take tonight to think about things before he takes any legal action. After all, Phillip didn't do any damage. He picked the lock, wonder who taught him that little skill?" Lee said ruefully, remembering how Phillip and Jamie had begged him to teach them some "Spy Stuff". He should have listened to Amanda and refused to demonstrate for them. It was apparent that they had inherited their mother's instincts.

"Are you hungry, sweetheart?" Amanda asked. "I'll fix us some dinner." She started to rise but Lee held her down. 

"Oh, no. You are not going in the kitchen in this state, you might poison us." Lee teased her. "Let's call out for pizza."

"Pizza, is that your answer to everything?" Amanda laughed in reply.

"Well, not to everything," Lee began, nuzzling her neck. "But, since we need solid food, then, yeah, PIZZA! It's got all the major food groups."

"In one convenient package," they finished in unison, laughing.

After dinner was over, Lee drove Amanda to the Agency to pick up the Explorer. She would need it the next day to take the boys to school and meet with the administrator. Amanda had protested that she could drive the Jeep but Lee insisted. There was no way he was going to let her drive the Jeep with all the bad memories associated with it. Not when she had enough to deal with concerning Phillip.

Chapter Nineteen

Things were on a more even keel the next morning. Jamie had eaten pizza with Lee and Amanda the night before. They had both reassured him that they loved he and Phillip and each other, that Lee was not going away just because things were hard right now and that his mother didn't really hate his father.

Phillip, on the other hand, had refused to eat and had stayed locked in his room until morning. He came to breakfast with dark circles under his eyes and his clothes mussed and wrinkled, looking as if he had slept in them. Amanda and Lee could only look at him and each other. In unspoken agreement, neither commented on his appearance. Jamie, taking a clue from their reaction, wisely kept quiet as well.

Amanda took the morning off from the Agency. She drove Phillip and Jamie to school after seeing Lee out to his car. His last words to her were to call him and that he loved her. He gave her a gentle kiss on the nose as the boys exited the house. Phillip looked away from the scene but Jamie smiled. Things were looking up with his world.

Amanda parked the Explorer in the visitor lot. Jamie ran off to class while Phillip trailed along behind Amanda, dragging his feet like a two year old. Finally, Amanda had enough and walked back to him. Standing beside him she smiled sweetly.

"If you don't start acting your age, Phillip King, I WILL take you by the hand and escort you everywhere you go today," she hissed at him. "Now, it's your choice. What's it going to be?"

Phillip glared at her but began behaving at her threat. He walked just behind her as they entered the school office and took a seat. They sat waiting, until the morning rituals were concluded. The assistant ushered them into the administrator's office, offering Amanda coffee. Amanda declined. She and Phillip waited a while longer. Joe arrived for the meeting, late as usual when it came to meetings at school. Finally the door opened and Mr. Williams entered followed by Officer Parsons.

"Mrs. Stetson, how nice to see you again. Mr. King," he began, shaking first Amanda's hand, then Joe's. "I wish it were under better circumstances. Phillip, I never thought I'd see you in my office for misbehaving. Why don't you tell me about it?"

Phillip shook his head, unwilling to talk. Mr. Williams sighed and turned to Officer Parsons. "Well, then, let's start with you. What happened?"

Parsons delighted in giving his version of the events, slandering Phillip, Lee, Joe and Amanda in the process. He was positive that Phillip was a troublemaker and recommended he be remanded to Juvenile Court for charges of assault.

Mr. Williams dismissed him, much to Parson's discomfort. He wanted to stay and see Phillip being punished, maybe even be the one to administer a few licks. This administrator was one of the new breed that Parsons despised. All kindness and feel good. 'No wonder the schools are going to hell. No one to teach these little brats any discipline.' Parsons shook his head as he walked out, starting his patrol of the campus, looking to find more trouble.

"Mr. Williams, you know.." Amanda started to defend her son but was cut off by a raised hand.

"I know, Mrs. Stetson, I know. But what can I do? My hands are tied until next year or until he gives me a reason to fire him. Being a pompous pig isn't enough of a reason to let the man go. I only wish it was." Williams sighed. "Now, Phillip, why don't you tell me your side of the story?"

Phillip told the bare bones. He admitted cutting class because he wanted time alone to think, that he was upset about his mother and stepfather's relationship, and that his girlfriend seemed to be losing interest in him. Phillip denied being in tears when the other boys had come along but admitted taking his anger out on the ringleader. "But he started it," Phillip insisted. "He hit me in the head, mocking me. I just stood up for myself."

"Phillip, I know things have been tough for you this year. But you know the rules. An automatic five-day suspension with administrative review before you can return. I wish I could help you out here, but, again, my hands are tied. Mrs. Stetson, I'm sorry to have to do this. Phillip, you need to resolve things in your head before you come back. You're a bright young man but your grades are slipping and I don't want to see you wasting your life by getting into trouble. I had a call from Dean Stout this morning as well. I assume you know what that's about?"

Amanda and Phillip nodded and Williams went on. "He's not going to press charges but he wants you to stay away from his daughter at home and at school. Do you understand what I am saying to you? "

Phillip nodded, hanging his head.

"Okay, I'll get your teachers to gather your assignments and then you can leave. I expect that next week you'll be back with a new attitude and all that work done, correctly, mind you."

Mr. Williams left the room to check on getting the assignments together. Amanda sat in silence. Phillip looked up at her out of the corner of his eye. Joe stood in the corner of the room, gazing out of the window.

"Mom?" he said softly. "I really am sorry. I never meant to cause a problem. I just lost control. I love you, Mom."

Amanda's heart melted at his words. She opened her arms and Phillip crossed the short space between them. He was on his knees, wrapped in her embrace when the door opened and Williams re-entered.

He cleared his throat, catching their attention. Holding out the folder of work, he wished them both luck and admonished Phillip to get his act together before it was too late.

Joe followed Amanda and Phillip out. He was clearly unhappy about being there as he kept looking at his watch.

"Amanda, I've got to go. I have a case to prepare. Shall I come by the house tonight and we can talk about his punishment?" Without waiting for an answer, he rushed on. "Look, I've got to go. Phillip, we will talk about this later. I really don't know what's gotten into you but I am very unhappy with you, is that clear?" Joe glared at his son in anger. 

Phillip refused to look up and meet his eyes.

"Phillip, are you listening to me?" At Phillip's nod, Joe went on. "Then look at me when I talk to you. I just don't know what's wrong with you. Amanda, you need to make him take more responsibility. You're too soft on him that's the problem. You let him get away with anything. And Lee is no better, too busy being a friend to be a father, I guess."

Amanda knew that Joe was upset about Phillip's actions but there was no need for this kind of criticism. Before she could say anything, however, Joe strode off to his car. 

"I'll see you all tonight and we'll talk about it then," he flung over his shoulder as he got in the car and roared off.

Chapter 20

Amanda took Phillip home. They were silent on the trip and Phillip headed straight up the stairs to his room as soon as he could open the door. Amanda followed him slowly. 

"Phillip, what your father said," she started to speak but Phillip closed the door in her face. "Phillip, he was wrong, you do know that?" There was no answer.

"Phillip, this isn't over. You and I are going to have a serious talk about this. You are going to have the face the consequences here at home as well as at school." Amanda spoke loudly making her voice carry through the closed door. 

"I know, Mom, I know." Phillip's voice came faintly back to her. "But can we do it later? I'd better start work on this stuff or I'll be so behind when I get back I'll never catch up."

Satisfied that he was aware of her feelings, Amanda went down to call Lee and catch him up on the events of the morning. Feeling the stress of the last days taking its toll on her, Amanda laid down on the couch intending to close her eyes only for a moment.

When she woke over three hours had passed. The house was silent. Creeping up the stairs, Amanda put her ear on the door to Phillip's room. She heard him singing along with the stereo, although she couldn't make out the words. Returning to the kitchen, Amanda made them some lunch and called Phillip down.

He had returned to his normal self, at least something approaching what he had been before the attack. He didn't eat much. And really, he didn't talk much. It was more a feeling of peace that had descended on him that made the difference.

Amanda called Dr. Phaff and canceled her appointment, explaining the circumstances. He still wanted to see her and Lee as soon as possible but agreed to wait until things were settled down on the home front.

Chapter Twenty-One

When Lee got home, the three of them sat in the living room. Together they determined the consequences of Phillip's actions. Phillip was very agreeable, insisting that he was totally to blame and understood how he'd done wrong. He took total responsibility and even produced a written apology to the Stout family for his actions the previous day.

When Joe arrived, things changed. Joe was full of anger and he directed it at everyone in reach. At Amanda for not being there for the boys 24 hours a day. Lee for teaching him how to pick locks and for making violence appear glamorous. At Phillip for being stupid, for not just walking away from the fight in the first place. Then he started on the business about school. 

"Grades, son, good grades. Your job is school and you are falling down on it. I want to see you pick it up, young man. No other activities until you get those grades up, do you hear me?" His voice rose with every word.

Joe turned to Amanda, starting again. "You are way too easy on him, Amanda, you let him get away with anything. You make him get better grades or.."

Lee had enough of Joe's tirade. "Or you'll what, Joe? Leave again? Run off and desert your family like you did last time? Well, I've got news for you. Amanda has raised these boys singlehandly and she's done a fine job. There's never been any trouble until recently." Lee's voice rose with every word as well until he was shouting at Joe.. "I think your attitude has a lot to do with the problems, you know that, Joe? And I think that we need solutions, not more problems here. So if all you can do is criticize, rant and rave, then take a hike. We don't need that kind of input."

Both men were on their feet by this time, voices full of the anger each tried to hide on a daily basis. They were like two dogs fighting over a bone but that bone was named Amanda.

Hearing the anger in their voices, Amanda began to hunch over. She was cowering in the corner of the couch, trying to disappear so the anger couldn't find her. Phillip was watching her carefully. He could see she was getting that glazed look in her eyes, again.

"You can't tell me what to do, Stetson, he's MY son." Joe spat at Lee, fists clenched. 

Lee felt his body tensing; he struggled not to lash out at Joe and took a deep breath, moderating his voice as well. "This is my house. Amanda's and mine. I can and will tell you what to do when you are being an ass. Now, decide what you want because, I swear to you, either you back off or I'll teach you some respect." Lee's hands clenched into fist and he stood, loosely watching Joe, ready to take action if needed.

"Stop it, just stop it!" Phillip shouted into the silence. "Look what you're doing to Mom. "

Joe and Lee both looked at Amanda. Her face was pale and she was trembling, gasping for breath. Shuddering at the tone of their words, Amanda had flashed back to the attack. He had been angry with her, he had hit her. 'Anger is dangerous' she thought dimly. 'He shouldn't be angry. He's going to hurt me'

At once, Lee crossed to her side, taking her shoulders in his hands and rubbing them. "Amanda, Amanda, it's okay. Honey, are you alright?" He gave her a small shake and she stopped gasping, her glazed eyes focusing on him. "Amanda?"

"I'm okay, just a flashback. I'm okay, really." She gave him a weak smile. "It was just the yelling, you know, the angry tones? It took me back. I'm okay now." The tone of their words more than the words themselves had scared her. Amanda struggled to remember that she was safe, that these angry words weren't directed at her. No one was going to hurt her. 'That's interesting,' she thought numbly. 'I wonder if that's why Jamie reacts the way he does when someone yells? I'll have to ask him about that.' She smiled vaguely at Lee, still lost in her own thoughts, as well as tuning out the discussion.

Lee shook his head at her, clearly unconvinced. He rose and walked swiftly over to Joe. "Do you see what you've done?" Lee hissed quietly. "Now get out before I throw you out. And don't come back or call until you are able to see reason."

Joe turned on his heel and started for the front door, only to pause as Lee's voice followed him. Amanda returned to the present with a snap, hearing Lee's voice directed to Joe's retreating back.

"And I expect a sincere apology to the mother of your children. She is the one who raised them while you were off in Africa. A damn fine job she's done, too."

Joe slowed but did not stop as those words came to his ears. In his heart, Joe knew that Lee was right. Still, Joe couldn't help but believe that if Amanda had stayed home with her children, like a good mother was supposed to, then Phillip wouldn't be having any problems. Hell, if she hadn't been so stubborn and refused to move with him all those years ago, this would never be happening. Joe slammed the front door on the way out, venting his anger in the only safe way left to him.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Phillip went and knelt by his mother. "It's not true, Mom. What he said. You are a great mother, the best. You've always been there for us when we need you. You deserve a better son than me." He laid his head on her knee, tears seeping past his tightly closed eyes.

"Oh, Phillip," Amanda stroked his hair softly. "I think you are just the best son a mother could wish for. You are kind and caring. Talented and brave. You're a great son. Any mother would be proud to call you her own. I sure am."

"Me, too," Lee added, coming up to Phillip's side and patting him on the shoulder, feeling a bit awkward. "I'm proud to call you son."

"Thanks, Lee, Mom. I wish I could be better for you. I..I.. " Phillip choked and then went on in a rush of words. "I love you both so much. Please don't ever forget that." He jumped to his feet and raced upstairs, slamming the door behind him.

Amanda was touched by his words. She wanted so much to be reassured by his attitude. She and Lee moved to the den to talk over the night 's events.

"Amanda, are you sure you are all right? You seemed pretty far away there for a while." Lee was still worried about her reaction to the argument.

"Lee, I'll have those moments for a while, you remember Dr. Phaff discussed that with us. It's Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. It will pass, with time. I just have to focus on the present."

"I can't believe the gall of Joe, attacking you like that. Making out that this is your fault." Lee groused as he sat beside her on the couch.

"Joe is hurting, too, Lee. He has such high hopes for his sons."

"Well, he should have been here for them if he expected them to live up to his dreams." Lee paused, thinking of what he'd just said. "On the other hand, if he'd still been here, I'd have never met you. What a waste of a life that would have been. I'm glad he was out of your life so I could come into it." 

"You're an old softie, you know that?" Amanda said, playfully, as she smiled at him. "Oh, Lee, I'm so glad that Phillip has woke up. I've been so worried about him."

"I don't know, Amanda. This seems awful quick to me. I mean, come on. Yesterday he beat the cr.." Lee caught the stern look on his wife's face and backstepped. "He beat the stuffing out of another kid and today? All of the sudden he understands and is sorry and 'oh, gosh, Mom, Lee, please forgive me for I have sinned?' I don't like it, Amanda. I think he's hiding something."

"Oh, Lee. Of course he's hiding something. He's a teenage boy. Didn't you hide things at his age?" Amanda chided him for his suspicious mind. "You've been in the spy business too long, fella. You think everyone's secrets are deep and dark." 

"Amanda, I'm telling you.." Lee tried to put his finger on what was bothering him but it kept slipping away.

Amanda put her finger to his lips and shushed him. Rising to her feet, she led him up the stairs and to their room. Closing and locking the door, Amanda crossed to Lee, still standingwhere she had deposited him near the window. Crossing in front of him, Amanda snuggled into his arms, her back cozied up to his front. They stood looking at the full moon shining down through the window. 

Chapter Twenty-Three

Lee was torn. On one hand, he knew that something was still amiss with Phillip. But on the other, this was the first time since the attack that Amanda had gotten this close to him without being racked with emotional torment first. He stood quietly, his strong arms encircling her in the haven of protection he wanted to provide her for the rest of her life.

"Lee," Amanda said softly, turning in his arms. She looked up at him with love and desire in her eyes. Lee felt himself begin to melt. It had been so long since he had taken comfort with his wife, as a husband. He desperately wanted to be with her. She reached up and kissed him. Nibbling his lower lip at first, then when he didn't respond, standing on tiptoe and covering his mouth firmly with hers. Her tongue demanded entry, teasing and nipping at his lips. Her hands began roaming his body, caressing him in all the places she knew drove him to distraction.

With a great effort, Lee captured her hands in his and pushed her away from him. Breathing fast, Lee struggled to speak. "Amanda, what are you doing?" was all he could gasp out as her hands escaped his and began touching him once more.

"Well, maybe you need to hone up on those surveillance skills, Scarecrow. I thought you could figure out what I am doing," she purred at him.

"Amanda, uh, this isn't a good idea, you know?" he gulped as her hand squeezed his backside. "We still don't know…well, I mean.. I wouldn't want to take a chance…Amanda, stop that!" he wheezed as her hand began a journey to the front. Firmly, Lee took her by the shoulders and sat her on the bed, crossing the room to put some distance between them. When she started to rise, Lee fixed her with a stern gaze and spoke. "Amanda, stay put. I can't think when you do that to me."

"It isn't your brain I'm interested in at the moment, my husband. It's other parts of your anatomy." Amanda was sending him looks that could melt an iceberg. 

"But what about..you know." Lee searched for the words to convey his concerns. 

"Lee, making love doesn't have to involve taking that particular risk. We can find enjoyment in other ways, surely?" It was Amanda's turn to look down. Taking a deep breath, she went on. "Lee, I've been so lonely, so afraid. I need to be close to you. I know," she held up her hand as he started to break in. "I know, I've been touchy lately. But I want to make love to you. I want, I need you to help me feel safe again. Please," her voice broke as she looked up at him. "I need to know that you still want me."

Lee's heart broke at her anguished words. He crossed the room in two strides and took her in his arms, fighting the urge to press her into the bed and show her how much he wanted and needed her. 

He kissed her deeply, trying to convey his feelings without words. Amanda melted into him. Lee tried to set aside his raging hormones. He needed to let Amanda take the lead in this. 

In fact, he and Phaff had discussed this issue in one of their early sessions.

Chapter Twenty-Four

"What am I going to do? How can I make love to Amanda without her remembering that creep? " He had asked, despair evident in his voice as his hands ran nervously through his hair.

"Lee, do you love Amanda?"

"What kind of stupid question is that? Yes, I love her. She is my life. She brought me to life."  
  
"Then, when the time is right.." Phaff raised his hand to stop the question forming on Lee's lips. "You will know when the time comes, believe me. Let Amanda take the lead. She needs to make sure you still want her. That you don't see her as 'damaged goods'."

"I'd never.." Lee started to say but Phaff stopped him again. 

"Lee, you'd be surprised at how some people react in this situation. Many blame their partner for the attack, as if they asked for it, or gave in to easily." Phaff saw the murderous look in Lee's eyes. "Not that I'm saying you would ever think such a thing but some people do so. Others think that the victim is disgusting, revolting after having been through such an experience. Every time they try to get close, all they can think of is ..Well, you know." 

"I know," Lee muttered. He looked up at the doctor. "But I don't feel like that. She is still the same person I fell in love with over the years. And I'll only grow to love her more each day that passes."

"But, Lee, you are a rare man. I've heard stories of victims who, having been afraid to tell their partner, finally come clean, expecting love and support. Hoping for that knight in shining armor who will right the wrong done to them, or at least get angry on their behalf, only to find that their fear, their pain and agony is dismissed as in the past, unimportant to the present." Phaff shook his head sadly. 

"The victim gains the courage to relate her pain and shame and the person she most depends on for support, tells her that it is unimportant. To just get over it. And then," his voice rose as he warmed to the topic, "then he blames her for not feeling close to him any longer. He has just betrayed all the trust invested in the relationship. And he has the gall to tell her it is her fault."

Phaff shook his head at the stupidity of the human race, in particular the breed called 'man'.

Lee was silent considering Phaff's words. He could see where the woman would feel as if she had just been attacked again when met with that kind of reaction. Indeed, it was rape again, this time of the soul. Lee didn't know how any relationship could ever recover from that kind of betrayal.

"But, doc, back to my question, how will I know and what should I do?"

Phaff smiled at the 'Scarecrow', famed ladies' man. He really had a heart inside him and it beat in tune with Amanda King Stetson.

"You let her be your guide, Lee, and trust in your love," was all he would say.

**************************************************

To Be Continued


	3. Chapter 3/7

But It Will Make You Miserable First

See Chapter One for Disclaimers, Warnings, Summary, etc.

Chapter Twenty-Five

As Amanda moved towards Lee, Phaff's word's echoed in his mind. "Trust in your love."

He took a deep breath and let Amanda lead him. She pressed him back on the yielding bed, covering his long hard body with her softness. Lee concentrated on his deep breathing. He couldn't take the chance of frightening her. She nibbled on his neck, her mouth taking gentle nips every other moment. When she got to his mouth, Amanda teased his lower lip with her teeth. He softly parted his lips, allowing her to enter if she wished.

Her tongue traced the shape of his mouth, exploring as if she had forgotten him. Slowly it entered the open space before it. She caressed his mouth, tracing the shape she knew so well but had been absent from for so long. He tasted so good to her, he always had. 

Amanda closed her eyes, concentrating on enjoying the feel of her husband. "Lee, " she sighed, "Touch me." 

His hands came up to caress her face, stroking the planes of her cheeks. They continued up to tangle in her hair, inhaling the scent that was his beloved wife.

"Oh, Amanda, I've missed you so much," he moaned. "I love you, sweetheart. I need you. Ah, Amanda." Lee gave a deep sigh as Amanda's hands traveled over his body, caressing him in all the spots that drove him nuts. 

Amanda could feel Lee growing under her caresses. She fought to focus, tell herself that this was Lee, the man she loved. She felt his breathing become labored at her touch and smiled to herself. She moved on top on him, straddling his hips. Reaching up, Amanda untangled his hands from her hair, guiding them to caress her body.

He softly touched her breasts, almost afraid too. But she simply sighed and wiggled happily on him. Lee's touch became more commanding, gently kneading and engulfing her. Soon one hand stole under her shirt and touched her bare skin. He skimmed over her ribs, mindful of the ticklish places. One finger traced the lower edge of her bra, gently nudging it aside. He felt her stiffen at the touch and cursed himself for causing her pain.

"Amanda," he started to speak but she placed a finger on his lips. 

"Shush, it's okay. Oh, Lee, I need to feel your touch. Please, hold me, feel me. Let me know that this is real and the other is a fading nightmare. Lee, I need you so much."

Lee's heart was aching at her words. She was so brave. He wanted to enfold her in a cocoon and protect her forever. Lee knew though that Amanda would never stand for that kind of treatment. She was always right out there, in the thick of things. Nope, Amanda was never content to wait in the car. Not when they had started working together and certainly not now.

He concentrated on conveying with his touch just how much he cherished her. Carefully he unfastened her bra, freeing the perfect globes for his ministrations. Lifting slightly, he applied his mouth and tongue to caressing.

Amanda sighed as Lee's lips touched her breast. Reveling in his touch, she could feel the desire rising in her body. A desire she had been afraid she would never feel again after that monster had attacked her. The monster had tried to destroy her trust but Amanda knew that with Lee she had every reason to trust and believe in him. 

Desire rose in her as she lifted off of Lee, causing him to lose contact with her. A growl of disappointment rose in his throat and she smiled. Standing beside him and he lay on the bed, Amanda grinned. "Uh, Lee, we seem to have technical problem here."

"What?" came the husky reply as he looked up at her, his eyes full of desire.

"We're still dressed. And I like it much better when we're not."

Lee smoothly rose to his feet and took her in his arms. "Oh, really? Well," he nibbled that spot behind her ear. "I think I can handle that. Come over here, beautiful."

He unbuttoned her shirt and peeled it off of her arms. The bra hung loosely where he had opened it earlier; he slid the straps off her arms and felt her shiver with desire. His hands went to her jeans, undoing the zipper slowly, one hand holding her waist at all times as he spoke softly to her, keeping her grounded in the present with him.

When Lee's hand touched her jeans, Amanda felt her body tensing up, fear coursing though her as her mind fought to stay focused on where she was at this time. Lee was holding her waist, whispering endearments that she couldn't make out. That was fine, just to hear his voice reassured her, helping her stay grounded. He slid her jeans and panties down her legs and she stepped out, bare before him.

He stood for a moment, looking at the woman before him. She was here, warm and loving. He thanked God every day for the miracle that was Amanda Stetson. He hesitated, unsure how far she wanted to go tonight. Even this much was a big step forward in her healing, he knew.

Sensing his thoughts, Amanda smiled. "You're still over dressed, Stetson. Are you going to stand there all night?" Lee still hesitated. "Lee, I know you are afraid you'll cause me to have a flashback. Frankly," she gulped. "I'm scared of that as well. But I love you and I refuse to let this ruin our lives, ANY part of our lives. I want to make love with you. I need to heal with you."

Amanda fell silent as she looked at Lee, still standing back from her. Suddenly she felt self-conscious. Everything had been about her in this conversation. 'What if he doesn't want me?' she thought, panic-stricken. 'What if he looks at me and sees…' Amanda couldn't bear to finish that thought. 'I'll die,' she thought. 'I'll just die if he can't bear to touch me.' Tears came unbidden to her eyes at the thoughts.

Lee saw the tears swelling in her eyes and again cursed himself. He'd done it again. In trying not to rush her into anything, he had caused her to doubt herself. This being a real person stuff was harder that he thought. His hands went out and took her by the shoulders, pulling her close to him. He wrapped himself around her. 

"Amanda, you are so.." Words failed him at the moment. He looked deep into her warm brown eyes. "You are my world. I'll love you until the last breath leaves my body. I'll want you when we're using walkers out at Birchwood. I'll be chasing you around the apartment, shuffling along in my slippers. You are my everything. Let me love you."

Staring into Lee's eyes as he made this declaration, Amanda relaxed. She smiled at the image of him chasing her down using a walker. What a scandal they would make at Birchwood with that behavior.

She wiggled, bringing her into contact with Lee's hips. "You're still over dressed, Stetson."

He lifted her in his arms and laid her on the bed. She watched as he divested himself of his clothes and hastened to join her. He worshipped her with his body. It took some time and false starts. Amanda fought against the memories that rose to the surface as he touched her in some ways. Her heart and mind knew that this was Lee, the love of her life. Her body sometimes needed to be reminded. Lee was slow and tender, stopping when he felt her tense, following her lead before moving on to the next level.

At last she could feel herself rising up, climbing to a peak. As she scaled to the top and fell into space, Amanda gave voice to the passion that had been imprisoned in her the last few weeks. Lee was surprised to hear her being so vocal. Usually at home, with the boys in their rooms, she tried to be quiet. He smiled to himself, knowing that he had pleased her tonight.

Amanda felt herself gain release from Lee's actions. She needed this, she needed to feel again. Drifting back to earth, Amanda realized that Lee still had not sought his own release. He had been very careful with her, even using a condom although he had not entered her.

"Lee, oh, Lee. I love you. Let me?" she asked, reaching out to caress him with her hands. She felt him shudder and knew how close he was to the edge. Only those years of Agency discipline held him back. 

"Amanda, don't. I'm okay. Just don't touch me." He said in a strangled voice as she ignored his words and stroked. "Amanda, stop." He tried to pry her hand away from him with no success. 

She pushed him back down into the bed, looking him in the eye. "I'll never stop wanting you, Lee. You should know that by now." She bent over him but Lee pulled her back up.

"Amanda, don't. I know you want to but you don't have to do this." Lee was afraid for her to do this, afraid it would bring back that night and what she had been forced to do.

"Lee, I'm not going to let that bastard's actions rule my life. I love you, I want, no, I need to do this. It's a way of taking back what he stole from me. Let me?" she asked again. At his nod, moved down his body and made love to him with her mouth and tongue. It didn't take long before Lee lost control and fulfilled her wish.

Afterward, they lay entwined in the bed, exhausted. Lee looked at the clock, it was after 2 AM. Softly he kissed Amanda's hair. "My love, we've got to get some sleep. What will the boss think if I come in late tomorrow?" He joked at his past excused for late nights.

"He'll think that your wife made you a happy man," Amanda murmured sleepily into his shoulder. "And when I can't walk tomorrow, they'll know that it was mutual."

Lee gave a weak chuckle at her words as sleep overcame them.

Chapter Twenty-Six

Phillip lay in his room, sleep eluding him again as it had for so many nights lately. He heard Lee and Amanda in their room, quiet words spoken that turned to sounds he had heard before from them. 

"That's good," he thought. "I guess Mom is getting better if she wants Lee to touch her again. Ugh. I don't see how she would want anyone to touch her ever again."

He tossed and turned, trying to at least rest for a part of the night. His mind wouldn't let him. He reflected on all the things his father has said to him today. "_Your Dad's right,"_ chortled a little voice in his mind. _"You are worthless, nothing, you ever do is right. No one will ever love you._

Phillip tossed and turned, trying to shut out the voice but it droned on and on. He couldn't stand it anymore. Phillip got out of bed and dressed. As he opened the door to his room, he heard a cry from the master bedroom. He couldn't tell if it was pain or pleasure. Instinctively, his feet went to the door and he eased it open. He heard his mother's soft voice telling Lee she wanted him and closed the door softly. At least he knew that she would be all right when he was gone.

He crept down the stairs and out the door. His feet lead him to Elayna's house. She wouldn't talk to him on the phone. He stood under her window, tossing pebbles to get her attention. When she opened the window, he motioned for her to come outside.

She slipped out the back door a few minutes later, dressed in sweats. "Phillip," she hissed. "What are you doing here? My dad will kill you if he sees you." She looked down at the ground, suddenly shy. "Phillip, I'm sorry about not talking to you earlier. He was standing right there. I had to act like that." She looked up at him with bright blue eyes swimming in tears. "Will you forgive me for all those mean things I said?"

Phillip's heart took a sudden leap at her words. Maybe she didn't hate him! "Uh, I, uh, just wanted to tell you I'm sorry, too," he blurted out. "I didn't mean to cause trouble for you. I just needed someplace safe to go and you came to mind."

"Oh, that's so sweet, Phillip. I'm honored, really I am but.." Phillip raised his hand to stop her next statement. 

"I know, stupid to break in like that. I'm really sorry."

"Yeah, stupid. But where'd you learn to do that anyway?" She asked curiously.

"Uh, just from magic shows, you know. I must have a knack for it, huh?" Boy, that had been close. He couldn't betray Lee's secrets, not even to her.

"Cool, just like a spy in the movies." 

Phillip smiled to himself, feeling the first flush of happiness he'd know in weeks. He quickly sobered, looking at her with a serious expression.

"Elayna, is there any chance your dad will let us still be friends?" he asked hopefully. "I wrote him this letter, saying I'm sorry." His hope faded as she shook her head. 

"Nope, he told me that if I ever speak to you again, he'll have you arrested on breaking and entering and send me off to my Aunt and Uncle in Oregon. I'm so sorry, Phillip, I really like you but…" her voice trailed off, losing the words to express herself.

"Well," Phillip ran his hand through his hair. "That's okay. I just wanted to check. I'm sorry, too. I really like you as well." He thrust a package into her hands. "I want you to have these, to remember me by, okay?"

Leaning forward Phillip gave her an awkward kiss on the cheek and turning swiftly, walked away into the night. Elayna stood looking after him, hand pressed to her cheek as he walked out of her life. She took the package upstairs and tossed it on the bedside table to open later. Right now, she need some more sleep.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Morning dawned at the Stetson household, finding them all wrapped in slumber and no one had set the alarm. Jamie woke first, stretching before turning to look at the clock. It was after 9. Nobody slept that late in this house, even if it was a Saturday. Which this was not. It was Thursday and he had to go to school even if Phillip didn't. He rose and knocked on the master bedroom door, calling out.

"Mom, are you awake? We overslept; I'm going to be late for school, again. Can you take me?"

Amanda sat up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. Lee slumbered on beside her. She shook his arm and leaning over, kissed him. "Wake up, sleepy head. Somebody overslept," she teased.

"Hey, whose fault is that?" he asked opening one eye and enjoying the view of his naked wife in front of the closet, rooting for something to wear. "You started it last night, you know." He teased as she crossed the room towards him. 

With a glint in her eye, Amanda leaned close to his ear and whispered, "And I finished you too, big fella. So get up and get moving!" She gave him a playful tousle of the hair before entering the bathroom.

Lee rose; heading to the kitchen to make sure Jamie and Phillip had breakfast. He knocked on Phillip's door on the way past. When there was no answer, Lee stuck his head in and called out "Rise and shine, breakfast in 10 minutes." Phillip grunted and burrowed deeper in the covers. Shrugging, Lee went down the stairs. When Amanda came down he handed her a cup of coffee with his "Good Morning" kiss and headed up to shower.

Knocking once more on Phillip's door, Lee could see that he had gotten out of bed and was slowly waking up. Lee whistled as he entered the master bedroom and got ready for the day.

Amanda ran Jamie to school, planning on returning to the house to shower before her doctor visit. Rushing because they had overslept, she told Phillip to stay inside and apply himself to his studies and working on extra chores while she was gone. She'd come by and pick him up afterwards for lunch and they'd go to the Agency together to talk to Dr. Phaff. Phillip nodded as she headed to the door. 

"Mom? " She stopped at the curious tone in his voice. "You are doing better, right? I mean, well," his face turned red and he muttered. "Well, I kinda overheard you last night with Lee. You sounded happy, are you?"

Amanda's face flamed at his words. She was not comfortable discussing this part of her life with her sons. Seeing the pleading look on his face, Amanda swallowed the first words that came to mind and answered.

"Yes, Phillip. We were a little loud last night. I'm sorry about that. I am feeling much better about things. Lee has been a great help to me." 

Phillip looked away and muttered, "Yeah, unlike me. He rescued you, he killed the guy that hurt you and all I ever do is cause more problems."

Amanda knew he had spoken but could not catch the words. Looking at her watch, she was torn. Phillip seemed to have something on his mind but if she delayed too long she'd be late for the appointment. 

Phillip could see the indecision on her face and spoke. "It's okay, Mom. Go on, it's nothing you can help me with. "Under his breath, he went on, "There is no help for me." He crossed the room and gave her a big hug. "I love you Mom, never forget that. Be happy. Now, go on, you're going to be late."

Amanda went out the door, intent on talking to him when she got back.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Amanda had to wait at the doctor's office because of an emergency. The nurse took her blood and urine sample and she sat in the exam room in that cold drafty gown with nothing to do. She passed the time recalling the night before with Lee. Opps, maybe that was a bad idea. Suddenly the room was very hot. 

"Think about something else!" she ordered herself. Her mind went to Joe's atypical behavior yesterday and last night. She had never seen him like this before. Sure, he had always wanted the boys to do well in school but this harping on grades was something new. Amanda could tell that it had upset Phillip deeply and she planned to have a private talk with Joe about his words and actions. 

She'd call him later this afternoon, she decided. Dr. Fields finally arrived and got down to business. Amanda explained her fears and Dr. Fields agreed with Dr. McJohn, it was too early to tell. The tests came back negative at this point. There was good news, however. Amanda's attacker didn't appear to have been infected with any STD's according to the Medical Examiner. They were going to test for them anyway. Amanda was told to come back in two weeks if she still was worried about being pregnant.

At the checkout counter, Amanda felt a hand on her shoulder. It was one of the nurse practitioners in the office. She asked to speak with Amanda and they entered her office. 

"Amanda, I know this is not my business but I have to ask. If you are pregnant, are you going to carry it to term? My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for ten years. If you decide…" she could not go on. 

Amanda put her arms around the woman. "I'm so sorry. I don't know at this point what I'd do if. Well, I just don't know. But I'll keep you in mind."

Amanda left as the nurse struggled to pull herself together. Amanda 's thoughts turned to the thought of how happy the possible result of her attack could make some person. She felt so sorry for people who wanted a child but were unable to have one. She loved her boys dearly and would die if anything ever happened to one of them.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Amanda returned to the parking lot to find a paper stuck under her windshield wiper. Angrily, she pulled it out, expecting a junk flyer or a parking ticket. Instead it was a note from Lee.

"Dearest Amanda,

I came by but couldn't bear to come in with you. I wanted to tell you how much I love you once again. Couldn't concentrate on work this morning so I tried to put my feelings about every thing into words. 

__

No matter what they tell us

No matter what they do

No matter what they teach us

What we believe is true

No matter what they call us

However they attack

No matter where they take us

We'll find our own way back

I can't deny what I believe

I can't be what I'm not

I know I'll love forever

I know

No matter what

If only tears were laughter

If only night was day

If only prayers were answered

Then we would hear God say:

No matter what they tell you

No matter what they do

No matter what they teach you

What you believe is true

And I will keep you safe and strong

And sheltered from the storm

No matter where it's barren

A dream is being born

No matter who they follow

No matter where they lead

No matter how they judge us

I'll be everyone you need

No matter if the sun don't shine

Or if the skies are blue

No matter what the ending

My life began with you

I can't deny what I believe

I can't be what I'm not

I know this love's forever

That's all that matter's now

No matter what

Lee

She smiled at the hand written words, knowing that they were Lee's way of assuring her that things would be all right for the two of them. She studied the words, committing them to memory. Then, tucking the letter in her purse, she started the Explorer and headed home.

Chapter Thirty

Phillip watched his mother pull out the drive and disappear down the street. He went to his room and picked up the letters and packages he had put together in the early hours of the morning. He left the house, walking to the bus stop nearby.

He took the bus to King Eddie's embassy. Well, it wasn't much of an embassy. Just an apartment, really, but it had the coat of arms on the wall and that was pretty cool. Knocking on the door, Phillip rehearsed his excuse for being there in the middle of the day. 

There was no answer. Phillip looked around, checking for witnesses. Seeing no one, he quickly picked the lock and let himself in the empty room. He walked over to the safe and laid his package on the top, caressing the musical case one last time before turning and walking out the door. He didn't look back.

His next stop was the school, to see his friends between classes. He walked over to catch the next bus.

***************************************

Amanda returned home to find the house empty. Phillip was gone. She called her mother on the off chance that they were together. Dotty had not heard from him but promised to call if she did.

Amanda was undecided on her course of action. She needed to go into the office. Lee was out on a case with Francine but she had paperwork piling up on her desk. Still, she needed to find Phillip; he was supposed to see Dr. Phaff this afternoon.

Finally she decided to stay home and try to find Phillip, useless task as that might be. She began calling around to his friends but no one was home. Amanda sat on the sofa, getting angrier as each minute that passed.

***********************************

Phillip got off the bus near the school, looking around for any teachers. Seeing none in sight, he lounged against the tree until the bell rang for class change. Merging in with the throngs of students, Phillip followed his normal route to the hall where his friends hung out at this time of day.

"Phillip, hey, man, how are you doing?" called Sam. "Hey, I thought you were suspended, what are you doing here?"

Sam's question was echoed several times as other's in the group arrived.

"Oh, well, you know, hanging at home is BORING. So I thought I'd come rub in my free time in your faces," he joked. "Beside, I was cleaning up my room, mom made me do it," he confided. "And I thought I'd just get rid of some stuff I don't want anymore. Here this is for you."

He handed several people packages and letters. "But, hey, don't open it here, huh? Wait until you get home."

"Cool, Phillip, hey, it feels like Christmas. I wanna open it now!" declared Josh but Phillip shook his head.

"Naw, wait until you get home, you might not want others to see what's in there, you know what I mean," He said with a knowing wink while the guys laughed. The few females in the group looked leery about even holding the package but Phillip assured them that it contained nothing embarrassing.

"Well, hey, gotta jet. Don't want to get caught not skipping school," he declared heading off as the bell rang for class. A chorus of "byes, thanks and see you soon" followed him as he headed down the hall. 

Chapter Thirty-One

Amanda was still steaming about Phillip's disappearance when the phone rang. Muttering under her breath, she answered it, ready to chew Phillip out if this was him. To her surprise, it was King Eddie.

"What?" she asked, not sure she had understood him.

"So who taught Phillip to pick locks, eh?" Eddie laughed. "I saw him leaving my embassy a bit ago and I know that I locked the door when I left."

"He was in your embassy?" she squeaked. "I am so sorry. I don't know what's gotten into him. I hope he didn't bother anything." She apologized, feeling embarrassed and furious with Phillip at the same time. 

"No, it's cool," the king went on when she paused. "Actually he left me a package and a letter. I haven't opened them yet. I just thought you might like to know where he is. Isn't he supposed to be in school?"

"Well," Amanda hesitated. "He got into some trouble and is suspended at the moment. He's suppose to be grounded but he snuck out."

Saying good-bye after King Eddie reassured her that no harm was done. Amanda hung up the phone.

************************************

Rounding the corner on his was out, Phillip ran smack into Jamie who was racing across campus, trying not to be late to class.

"Oph, hey, watch where you're going," Phillip grunted before he realized it was his brother. Jamie stared at him for a moment in shock.

"Oh, you are going to be in so much trouble if they catch you on campus. What are you doing here? Weren't you supposed to got see Dr. Phaff today with Mom? Is Mom here? I bet she's not, what did you do, run away again?" Jamie chattered on, uncaring that his brother was glaring at him. 

  
Phillip grabbed him roughly by the arm and into an empty classroom, slamming the door behind them.

"Shut up, dork. You'd better not tell anyone you saw me or.." Phillip started to speak but stopped as he saw the door opening and Mr. Williams enter.

"Or what, Phillip? What will you do to your brother?"

Phillip sunk into himself. "Busted," he thought. "Now I'll never get away."

"Jamie, go on to class. Phillip, come with me." Mr. Williams took Phillip by the arm and led the way to his office. "Have a seat. I'll have to call your mother, you know that?"

Phillip nodded and Mr. Williams exited the room to get his information card. As he was returning to the office, a very excited Mrs. Greene rounded the corner, making a beeline for him. 

"Mr. Williams, they said you have Phillip King in your office. Is he alright?" she asked.

"Yes, I was just about to call his mother to come get him. What is it?"

"Read this." Mrs. Greene thrust a letter in his hands. "One of my students gave this too me a few minutes ago. Phillip delivered them to his friends."

Williams scanned the letter, his face paling at the contents. He took a deep breath and turned to Mrs. Greene. "Thank you. You did the right thing. Thank God I ran into him. You go on in and talk to him, I'll make my call from here."

Chapter Thirty-Two

Amanda was entered Phillip's room. She noticed that he had done some major cleaning in the last day and she wanted to leave him a note thanking him. At the desk she saw several sheets of folded paper, laid neatly on the top. There was one addressed to each member of the family. She had just picked the one addressed to her when the phone rang. Taking the letter with her, Amanda crossed into her bedroom to answer it.

"Mrs. Stetson," said the voice.

She recognized it as being Mr. Williams from the high school.

"Yes, good afternoon, Mr. Williams. How are you today?" she asked, sitting in the chair by the bed. She fingered the letter, wondering what Phillip had to say that he had written to everyone in the family.

"Not good, Amanda. There's been a problem."

Amanda's heart sank and she sat up straighter. "What is it? Is it Jamie? Has something happened?"

"No, Amanda, Jamie is fine, he's in class. It's Phillip. He's here in my office. He came to the school and…well, there's no easy way to say this. He gave his friends goodbye notes."

Amanda didn't take in what he was saying. "Goodbye? Why? We're not moving."

"Amanda, he said he was going to kill himself. I think you'd better get over here."

Without a word, Amanda carefully replaced the phone on the hook. She made herself take a deep breath and opened the letter.

__

Dear Mom,

I love you. Always remember that. By the time you get this, I'll be dead. I know that this will be hard for you but I am not any good to anyone. I couldn't help you. I've failed Dad. Lee hates me. Even my girlfriend wants nothing to do with me. I can't do anything right. I just don't want to try anymore. I love you all and I'll see you on the other side.

Love,

Phillip

A cry of despair escaped Amanda as she read the words. How could this be happening? She grabbed the phone to call Lee. He wasn't back yet and so she left a message to call the school as soon as he returned. The next call was to Joe but he was in court and not expected in at all today. She told the receptionist that it was an emergency but could not bring herself to say what kind. The girl told her she'd pass the information on if Joe checked in.

Rising on weak limbs, Amanda made her way downstairs and got in the Explorer. She had to try three times before she could get it started. As she backed out of the drive, Amanda could feel hysteria creeping up on her. Fiercely she pushed it back, concentrating on the task of driving, not daring to think about why.

Chapter Thirty-Three

When she pulled into the parking lot Amanda expected to find it covered with emergency vehicles. Instead, all was normal. She got out of the Explorer and started towards the building when she couldn't fight the pain any longer. Tears began to flow from her eyes as sobs threatened too choke her. Stopping beside a van, Amanda allowed herself to give in to the pain for a few minutes. 

Slowly she gathered her will and wiped her eyes. Her son needed her and she had to be strong. There would be time to break down later. For now, she had to hold on and help him.

Entering the school, Amanda was met by Mr. Williams and guided to a nearby office.

"Amanda, how are you holding up?" he asked, seeing the traces of tears. Amanda sniffed, struggling to keep her composure. "He's in my office, with Mrs. Greene. She's one of the school counselors."

"What.." Amanda's voice broke and she swallowed before going on. "What, how?" was all she could say.

Williams explained what he knew and then led her to his office.

Phillip was sitting slumped in the chair by the desk. Mrs. Greene shook her head at Williams unspoken question. 

"Phillip, sweetheart," Amanda said softly, struggling to control her voice, not wanting to cause him any more pain. "What's going on?"

There was no answer from the boy in the chair. Amanda looked around at Williams and Greene, raising her eyebrows asking "what next?"

"Phillip? Phillip, talk to me," Amanda pleaded with her son, trying to break through his silence. He looked up at her, his eyes blank.

"Just leave me alone, Mom," he said, his voice cracking. "Just let me go." He slumped back into silent apathy.

"I will not!" Amanda declared, taking him by the shoulders and looking into his face. "You are my child and I will never let you go. I will never let you hurt yourself. I love you and I want to help you."

"There is no help for me. I'm a failure. I can't do anything right. Hell," he spat out, "I can't even manage to kill myself without you finding out. If I actually had gotten a chance, I'd have botched that as well, I suppose. Just go away and leave me alone in my misery."

The adults in the room shook their heads in despair. It was obvious to them all that Phillip needed more help than they could provide. Leaving Mr. Williams with Phillip, Amanda and Mrs. Greene walked to her office.

"Mrs. Stetson, let me make some phone calls and see where you can take him for help," she said. Amanda went in the other office to make calls of her own.

Joe still had not checked in with his office and Lee was not back yet either. Amanda called Dr. Phaff and he recommended the Charter at Falls Church facility. He had privileges there and could consult with the staff. Amanda thanked him and called Billy.

"Melrose."

"Sir, its Amanda." She stopped, unable to go on. Billy's radar went on high alert. Something was very wrong with Amanda.

"Yes, Amanda, what is it? What's wrong? "

"Oh, Billy, "she struggled to hold back the sobs. "Phillip, he.. he..I've .."Amanda couldn't force the words out of her throat. Dimly in the background she could hear Billy trying to talk to her but the room was fading to black around her. She dropped the phone and placed her head down, trying through sheer willpower to fight back from the faintness that was trying to overtake her. When the room came back into focus, she picked up the phone to hear Billy bellowing orders to the bullpen.

"I want him found, now, damnit. Send out someone and tell him to get his butt back here."

"Billy, " Amanda was finally able to speak. "Billy, Phillip was going to kill himself. " Ignoring the shocked gasp at the other end of the line, she went on. "He didn't, it's a long story, but I'm going to take him over to the Charter in Falls Church. Please," her voice broke again but she went on. "Have Lee meet me there as soon as he can."

Reacting to his questions, Amanda assured Billy that she was holding on and had things under control for the moment. 

Checking in with Mrs. Greene, Amanda told her of the plan and went to get Phillip. Mrs. Greene cautioned her not to tell Phillip where they were going. Some people at this state would bolt when told they were being taken to a physiatric facility. Amanda reluctantly agreed and collected Phillip from Mr. Williams' office.

Chapter Thirty-Four

Phillip stayed silent as they entered the Explorer and left the school. He slumped in his seat, never noticing where they were headed. Even when they parked and entered the hospital lobby, he showed no interest. Amanda checked with the receptionist and was told to have a seat and wait. 

After what seemed an eternity, they were shown to another suite where they waited some more. Finally a serious young woman came and conducted them to a smaller office.

"I'm sorry for the delay. We always have to check on insurance information, you know how that is?" 

Amanda bit back a sharp report. She only knew that her child was hurting and these people were concerned about getting paid.

"Now, Phillip, why don't you tell me what's going on?" she asked. There was no response. "Phillip, I can't do anything until I know what's wrong."

Phillip looked at his mother out of the corner of his eye. She was looking at him, concern written all over her face. He shook his head, indicating that he had nothing to say.

The admissions clerk stood and took Amanda outside with her.

"He might be more comfortable if you're not in the room, Mrs. Stetson. Why don't you wait out here? Can I get you anything? There's a phone and coffee at the end of the hall. Now, let me go talk to Phillip and see what's going on."

Amanda went to use the phone, calling her mother and asking her to wait for Jamie after explaining what was going on with Phillip. Billy told her that Lee was on his way to meet her. Joe was back in the office and exploded when she told him what was going on. He headed out the door to meet her. Amanda sat, still in shock, to wait.

The clerk emerged several minutes later to talk to Amanda. 

"Mrs. Stetson, your son is very troubled. I think we need to keep him for a few days. I'll take him down to the ward and you can go along and tend to the paperwork." Amanda nodded numbly, unable to answer. "You can see him in a bit to say goodbye and to see where he'll be staying."

The clerk left. Amanda waited but she didn't reappear with Phillip. "There must be a back exit I missed," Amanda thought. She stood to go take care of the admissions forms as Lee rounded the corner. 

Chapter Thirty-Five

"Amanda, I'm sorry it took me so long. Are you okay? What's going on? What's happened to Phillip? Why is he here, of all places?" Words poured out of Lee and Amanda gave a very small smile. He was starting to ramble like her when he was worried about his family. She could only shake her head at him. "I'll tell you when Joe gets here," she whispered. "I don't think I can say it twice."

Lee understood and took her hand as they went to the admissions office and waited for the papers to be processed. With a shaking hand, Amanda signed consent for Phillip to be treated. They were directed to the family room at the end of the hall, just in front of a double set of double locked doors leading to the teenager ward.

On the long walk down the hallway, Joe finally appeared, clearly angry. Lee shook his head at Joe, indicating that he should wait until they had some privacy. He followed Lee and Amanda into a room labeled "Family Visiting". It contained several chairs, a soda machine and a washer/dryer combination. 

"Alright, Amanda, what's going on?" Joe demanded angrily. "Why did you bring my son to a place like this without consulting me?"

Lee bristled at Joe's words but held his tongue. Amanda glared at him and then related to both men the events of the day concerning Phillip and his actions.

Joe scoffed at her fears. "He was just trying to get your attention, Amanda. And it worked for him, didn't it? He would never have actually done anything."

Amanda stared at Joe in shock. 'Who was this man?' she wondered, seeing a total stranger sitting in front of her. "Would you like to bet your son's life on that belief?" she asked quietly. 

"Yes, I would." Joe replied. "I know my son, he'd never have done anything. He was just trying to get attention. How dare you check him in here without consulting me? I hope you don't think I'm going to pay for this."

Amanda was saved from replying when Phillip was ushered into the room. A male nurse waited outside the room. Amanda's heart broke to see her son, his shoes minus the laces and his jeans sliding down to his hips. He entered the room hesitantly, torn between defiance and shame at his actions. Joe didn't help when he barked at him.

"Well, young man, I hope you are happy now." Joe crossed his arms and stared at his son. "Are you ready to apologize now? "

"For what, Joe?" Amanda burst out, confused.

"For putting that kind of burden on his friends, that's what." Rounding on Phillip, he went on. "How dare you make such absurd threats and cause your friend such pain. How selfish can you be? "

Phillip seemed to shrink in on himself and Lee had taken enough of Joe's attitude.

"Just shut up, Joe. You're way off base here." Lee said forcefully. Joe turned to face him, mouth opening to speak. 

"You stay out of it, Stetson. It's not your concern."

Amanda finally spoke. "Stop it, both of you, just stop it," she said in a voice full of pain. "Neither of you are helping." Turning to Phillip, she reached out to embrace him. He stood stiff in her arms. "Phillip, we love you. I want you to get better, okay?" 

Phillip simply stood, not speaking. An uneasy silence fell until the nurse announced it was time to get Phillip settled.

Chapter Thirty-Six

Amanda, Lee and Joe trailed along, entering the double doors, and walked a short distance to a bare mattress laid in the hall. Phillip threw himself down on it and grinned up at them. "Well, here's my new home. How do you like it? "

Amanda turned to the nurse "Are all the rooms full? Why is he in the hallway on a bare mattress?" 

"Standard procedure for the first night. They have to be in sight of the nursing station at all times. Suicide watch. Nothing that he could use to hurt himself is allowed. Tomorrow, we'll settle him in a room. Now, if you'll see the charge nurse, she'll give you his personal belongings to take with you. Say goodnight, Phillip." 

Phillip hugged his mother, whispering in her ear. "Thank you, Mom. I'm sorry."

Amanda felt her heart shatter and she sagged with pain. Lee supported her by the arm and led her out. Joe merely turned on his heel and left. After collecting his things, Lee and Amanda were let out the doors. Amanda made it to the parking lot before she fell apart. Joe had already torn out of the lot and Lee caught Amanda as she started to double over with pain. He carried her to the Corvette and held her as sobs racked her body.

"Oh, Lee, my baby, my baby. How could this be happening? Why didn't I see it, how could I not know how much he was hurting? Ohh, my baby boy."

"I know, baby, I know. We'll get through this, together, I promise you." Lee was devastated at the turn of events. Amanda had dealt with enough pain in the past weeks. How could she face Phillip's depression? Lee knew that there was more going on than Phillip had let on. He cursed himself for not pushing the issue. And then he cursed Joe King for his reaction. 

'What a sorry excuse for a father,' he thought. 'How could any father blame his child for being in pain and reaching out for help? And to say that he wouldn't have done anything.' Lee could only shake his head at Joe's stupidity. Even if Phillip didn't attempt it, the very fact that he went so far as to give away his favorite things and write goodbye note indicated a serious problem.

Amanda's sob had quieted while Lee was pondering what he'd like to do to Joe. She looked up at him, her face streaked with tears. "Oh, Lee, what am I going to do?"

"We are going to get him the help he needs, Amanda. Never doubt that. He'll be okay, it will just take some time." Lee put all the belief he could muster in his voice, trying to convince himself as well as Amanda. "Come on, let's go home. Get in."

Amada tried to argue that the Explorer was there and she needed to take it home. Lee would have none of that discussion. He was afraid to let Amanda drive in her state. The Explorer would wait until tomorrow. 

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Lee was afraid to put Amanda through any more stress. Heaven knew that she had been through enough the last few weeks. He wanted to take it all away but it just wasn't possible. So he was silent on the drive home, allowing Amanda to decide if she wanted to talk. He noticed she pulled something out of her purse and clutched it to her chest. She held it as if it was a lifeline and she was lost in the churning sea.

They pulled into the driveway. Dotty came running out the door before Lee could help Amanda out of the car.

"Amanda, Lee, where's Phillip? Is he all right? Amanda?" As Dotty came closer, she could tell by the shell-shocked look on Amanda's face that she was not going to be able to answer her. She turned to Lee, concern written all over her face. Lee merely shook his head and Dotty went to Amanda's other side, tucking their arms together. Patting her daughter's hand, Dotty walked them into the kitchen. 

Jamie was at the stove, waiting for the kettle to boil. He didn't turn around as the adults entered the room. Silence reigned until the shrill whistle sounded, startling Amanda.

"Oh, Jamie, thank you. I sure could use a cup of tea right now. Do you need any help, sweetheart?" She said, startling everyone in the room.

"Uh, no, Mom, I've got it. Anybody else want some?" he asked. Fixing the cups and taking them to the table occupied Jamie for the minutes but the time came when he could no longer avoid looking at his mother. Amanda's lips were moving but no words were coming out. She was repeating the same thing over and over. He tried to hand her the cup as she raised her eyes to his. It was as if they were the only two people in the room. Amanda took his hand in hers, never letting go of the letter she was clutching. Jamie set the cup down and sank to his knees, wrapping his arms around his mother, burying his head in her shoulder.

"Mom," his voice was choked as he tried to speak. Clearing his throat, he tried again. "Mom, did I get Phillip in trouble?"

Lee and Dotty exchanged looks, Lee realizing that Dotty had not broken the news to Jamie about his brother's condition. Amanda struggled to speak without losing control. Lee crossed to Jamie and put his hand on the boys shoulder. Jamie looked up at the touch.

"Jamie, no, you didn't do anything to get Phillip in trouble. He…" Lee paused, searching for the words. "Chief, your brother isn't dealing well with what happened to your mom. He needs more help than we can give him. So, your mom took him somewhere to get that help."

"Took him somewhere? Where, Lee? When's he coming home? Lee?" The tears were threatening to spill out of Jamie's eyes as he gazed up at his stepfather.

"Oh, Jamie," Amanda found her voice. "I took him over to Charter in Falls Church. Do you know what they do there, sweetheart?" Jamie shook his head and she went on. "Well, they have doctors and people that Phillip can talk to about.." her voice broke but she went on. "About what's making him think he doesn't want to live."

"What? He what? He.. Are…" Jamie sputtered, trying to express his thoughts. "Is that why he was at school today? I saw some of his friends after class was out and they looked at me funny. I thought it was just because he got into more trouble. Mom," he turned to Amanda, his eyes pleading for her to make this go away. "He didn't try..try to hurt himself, did he?"

Amanda closed her arms around him and Lee, kneeling on the floor, took them both in his arms. "No, honey, he didn't do anything, but he was thinking about it. That's why we needed to get him help," she said. Pushing him back from her embrace, Amanda studied Jamie carefully. "Jamie, are you okay? Are you dealing with all this all right? Please, tell me if you need help. Please, I couldn't stand it if you …" She fell silent, staring into his eyes. 

"Mom," he said, suddenly sounding very grown up. "I'm okay. Phillip took it a lot worse than I did. He felt responsible 'cause he thought he was the reason you were out late and then he left you to come home alone. But even I know that it wasn't his fault. And then Elayna broke up with him because of that fight at school and, well, I guess he just hit bottom." Jamie shook his head at Phillip's actions. "I don't feel that way and I tried to tell him it wasn't his fault but he didn't listen. Guess I should have come to you, huh? But, honest, I didn't think he'd do anything so stupid."

"It's okay, sweetheart, it's okay," Amanda said brushing Jamie's hair back from his eyes. "We should have notice, we're the parents."

"Hey," Lee interrupted. "We tried to help him, we took him to Dr. Phaff and all. But Phillip needed more and no one realized until it was almost too late. But the good thing is, he's getting the help he needs, okay? We'll all be here for him when he comes home."

Chapter Thirty-Eight

"When he comes home, when he comes home." Those words became Amanda's mantra for the next few days as she dealt with the meetings Phillip's stay entailed. First thing in the morning, Lee drove her over to Falls Church. It was too early for visiting hours. Amanda gave the ward nurse changes of clothes, which were searched right in front of her. Amanda seethed but knew that this was standard policy. Then, after what seemed like a pot of coffee later, Amanda was back to meet with the family counselor/ social worker. She gave the woman the family background and answered questions until it felt like a debriefing after a KBG capture.

Lee and Joe were called in for a session as well. Then, late afternoon found Amanda and Joe meeting with her together. Amanda was still so angry with Joe that she refused to speak to him. Lee had been asked to wait in the reception area. He insisted that he had a right to be there but was told to either wait or be escorted from the premises. He waited. Not patiently, not calmly but he waited.

"So, Mrs. Stetson, Mr. King, how are you feeling about this?" The social worker was a young woman, earnestly trying to help. Amanda remained silent, as did Joe. The social worker sighed. "Mr. King? Tell me how you feel."

Joe leaned forward, his face intense. "I'm plenty ticked off. That's what I feel."

"Why?"

"He's just trying to get attention. His mother neglects him and he is acting out like a baby. That's not how I want my son to be. He needs to learn to be strong, not to have to depend on other people to comfort him. She spoils him and this is what you get."

Amanda's lips were moving silently. Mouthing the words that were to become her lifeline through this ordeal.

__

No matter what they tell us

No matter what they do

No matter what they teach us

What we believe is true

No matter what they call us

However they attack

No matter where they take us

We'll find our own way back

The words to Lee's poem were the only comfort she could draw on in the face of Joe's attack. She knew Joe's attack wasn't true and she held onto that fact with all her might.

"Mrs. Stetson, how are you feeling?"

"I want my son to get better. I, we, Lee and I, that is. We did all the right things after my attack but nothing seemed to get through to Phillip. He kept blaming himself. I never saw this coming. I mean, I know that he's changed but don't all teenagers? I thought he was working on it. Instead, he was just drowning in pain and I didn't see." She covered her face with her hands and tried to stop the sobs threatening to spill out of her.

"Nonsense, Amanda. Everyone kept feeding him that psychobabble stuff until he thought he should feel guilty. If you had left him alone, he'd be fine by now." Joe went on, his anger still evident in his posture. "And, if your husband wasn't traveling off to God knows where all the time, you wouldn't have been alone in the first place. It's all Lee's fault, you know. He's never there when you need him."

Amanda had enough. She turned on Joe, her eyes blazing with anger. "Lee," she said, "has been there for me and the boys more that you ever were when they were little. He watched them grow up; he kept watch over us before we even got married. You are the one who left, the one who couldn't be bothered to help raise the children we created. Oh, but you liked to create them, didn't you? I couldn't even finish grad school. I had to work and put you through school."

"And then, did Amanda get to do anything? Nooo. Then I got pregnant and it was 'Stay home take care of the baby, there's plenty of time later.' Then later, Jamie came along and it was still, 'Oh, no, stay home with the babies.' It was like you told me that I was not good enough to pursue my dreams. You could go gallivanting off on the other side of the world but all Amanda was good for was a brood hen. "

Amanda stopped, aware that she was standing in Joe's face, screaming at him. Taking a deep cleansing breath, she went on, more calmly.

"Well, I have a life now and I have raised my boys as best I can without you. Lee has been more of a father to them than you ever were. So just get out of my face with your accusations about being an unfit mother. At least I care enough to want to get Phillip help. You're too busy nursing a bruised ego."

Turning, Amanda crossed the room and took her chair, feeling drained but calmer. She felt better now than since she had recalled the attack on that awful day in Dr. Phaff's office when her memory came clear.

"Well." Said the social worker, moving her hand away from the panic button on the underside of the desk. "I guess that clears up where we all stand. Uh, Mr. King, since your wife has custody of the boy, we'll consult with her on his treatment. You can go now. Oh," she added as Joe stood to leave. "You might want to consider talking to this fellow. He might be able to help you." She handed him a business card. Joe shoved it in his pocket without looking at it. Scowling, he stalked out of the room.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Amanda was told that visiting hours were in the evening and that she could return then with family members. Afterwards there would be a group session for all the current residents and their families that they were encouraged to stay for. It would help them get an idea of why everyone was there and how things were progressing. She also needed to bring Phillip's schoolwork. They had a teacher on staff and the kids were required to keep up with school. 

Lee met her in the lobby and they agreed to meet for a late lunch at Uno's. It was a pizza place Lee had spotted on his rambles today while he was forced to wait.

They had a booth near the back and the service was pleasant and efficient. Amanda had the Buffalo Chicken Quesadilla and Lee tried the personal pizza. Both agreed that this was a place they like to return to more often and vowed to look for one closer to home.

While they were waiting for their food, Lee asked about the session with the social worker. Amanda almost lost her temper again as she relayed Joe's comments and attitudes. Lee was glad he had not been in the room. He'd have taken Joe apart for his insults. He could see a time coming when things were going to have to be set straight with Joe. Joe had no right to speak to Amanda that way. Lee was ready to go right then. Only the fact that Amanda needed him right now kept him on an even keel.

Amanda had missed breakfast and ate most of her meal without speaking. Lee had ordered them both a beer after they were finished without consulting Amanda. When it came, Amanda spoke for the first time.

"Lee, I don't know if I should drink this. What if.." her words trailed off as they both considered the other problem facing them. Lee reached out and took her hands in his.

"Amanda, we never had the chance to talk about your appointment. How did it go with Dr. Fields? Could she tell anything?" he asked tenderly, knowing that this was a delicate topic.

Amanda smiled sweetly at him. "Lee, you could have come in with me. But thank you for your note. I think that's the only thing that kept me sane the rest of yesterday."

Lee smiled at her in reply and shrugged his shoulders. "What about the tests?" he asked.

"No, she couldn't tell for sure. Her tests came back negative as well. But there is good news. At least I don't have any STD's from the episode." 

Lee had to think for a moment before what she had said made sense. He sat back in his chair, a bit stunned, and took a deep drink of his beer. That aspect hadn't occurred to him before. His confusion must have reflected on his face as Amanda reached over and stroked his cheek.

"Lee, are you okay? You didn't think about that, did you?" 

He could only shake his head, amazed that he had been so dense.

"It's okay, I didn't really either until yesterday. Or I'd have never, well, you know." Amanda was shy talking about their private live in public. Pushing aside the beer, Amanda picked up her water and took a long drink. "I'd have never take the chance if I'd have been thinking clearly, you know that. But, I'm not sorry we did. I love you, Lee Stetson."

Lee half stood and leaned over the table to kiss his wife. "And I love you, Amanda Stetson. Let's get out of here, okay?"

Finishing his beer, Lee threw down a bill to cover the check and escorted Amanda out, his hand on the small of her back where it belonged.

Once in the 'Vette, Lee drove them to the park nearby. They began to explore and soon came to a secluded bench. Amanda sat and Lee straddled the bench, facing her as she tucked on leg under her and half turned to him. 

"Amanda, do you want to talk about it? Not Phillip but.." his voice trailed off as he waited for her answer.

"Yeah, I do. Lee, if I am pregnant. It would cause so many problems in our lives. I mean, with Phillip and how it happened and it wouldn't be fair to you. We haven't even decided when to have children of our own. I just think that," she paused, unsure how to express herself. "I think that if it is true, then I would have to have an abortion. I don't think I could deal with having a baby and giving it away, even though that would make somebody very happy but I couldn't live with myself if I gave my child away."

She looked deep into Lee's eyes, seeing a glint of moisture lurking there.

"Amanda, I would never ask you to do that. I'll be here for you, whichever way this goes. But to have an abortion? Could you do that, really, could you live with yourself? I know how much you love children. I would love this baby. How could I not? It's a part of you." He kissed her tenderly and held her as they pondered the future.

Some time passed before they stirred, both feeling calmer. Amanda looked at Lee.

"I don't know, I just don't know. I hope that we never have to face that choice. It could be all the stress. I suppose we'll just have to wait a while longer and see. Let's go home and have a rest before going back to the hospital. I need to collect Phillip's class work anyway."

Chapter Thirty-nine 

The rest of the day passed in a blur for the Stetson's. They were so emotionally drained that when Jamie returned home from school he found them soundly asleep, Amanda's head nestled in the crook of Lee's arm as he sat and she lay stretched out on the couch.

Moving quietly, Jamie tended to his homework and rummaged in the freezer for a package meal to pop in the oven. Amanda often made up dinners and froze them so when she and Lee were running late, the boys could find something nutritious to eat.

When it was almost done, he gently shook Lee by the shoulder.

"Lee, wake up. Lee, Mom, dinner's ready. Come and get it."

Lee and Amanda stirred, a bit stiff from sleeping in cramped positions. 

"Jamie, when did you get home?" Amanda asked surprised.

"A while ago, Mom. You were sleeping and I figured you needed to rest. I fixed us something to eat."

They moved to the table and filled each other in on the events of the day. Jamie reported that several of Phillip's friends had sought him out and expressed concern. They had all returned the things Phillip had given to them the day before and passed on notes and cards for a speedy recovery. One was made on poster board and signed by all the kids in the band class.

When dinner was over, Lee and Amanda left to visit Phillip. Taking with them the things from school, they made the drive in silence. After a search of the items in their hands, they were let in the gathering room where Phillip greeted them with a cheerful hug. He seemed jittery but much happier. 

Phillip related that he'd spent the day getting to know the other residents and being seen by various doctors. One had given him the medicine that was making him so jittery, on a trail basis. Dr. Phaff had been in to see him and wanted to talk to them in the morning. Phillip talked nonstop, filling them in on life in the loony ward, as he called it. Several others were in for attempted suicide. Usually they had been using drugs in connection with the attempt. 

Amanda was relieved to see him feeling so much better but concerned that his problems might be overshadowed since he was the only one with depression unrelated to drugs and abuse in the ward. When the group discussion began, her concerns heightened. The other stories were of drug use, running away from home for weeks at a time. Phillip was the only one here with his background problem. Amanda knew that she needed to talk to the social worker before they left and voice her concerns.

While Lee was talking to Phillip after the group meeting, Amanda cornered the man and asked some questions. After getting reassurances that Phillip would get one on one work specifically addressing his issues, Amanda rejoined Lee and Phillip, preparing to say goodnight. Phillip took them to his room. It was sparsely furnished with a bed, built in bookcase/desk, open closet. The attached bathroom had no mirror.

"That's so no one will break it and try to hurt themselves," Phillip announced. He was still very up from the medication. "I moved in here this morning. Lot's better than last night, huh?" 

Amanda could only nod. She turned her back so Phillip wouldn't see the tears threatening to spill out of her eyes. Phillip gave her a questioning glance and looked at Lee, unsure what to do. Lee gestured him to go to her.

Phillip crossed the room and put his arms around his mother. "I'm sorry, Mom. I never meant to hurt you. I just snapped, I didn't know what to do anymore."

Amanda hugged her son and whispered comforting words in his ear. They said good night. Lee and Amanda left and were escorted out the locked doors. The charge nurse let them know about a family session the next morning with Phillip, them and his doctor.

To Be Continued


	4. Chapter 4/7

But It Will Make You Miserable First

See Chapter One for Disclaimers, Warnings, Summary, ETC.

Chapter Forty

Dr. Crouse and Phillip had met with the social worker and had begun talking before Lee and Amanda arrived the next day. The aide showed them in.

"Mrs. Stetson, Mr. Stetson, come in. I'm Dr. Crouse. I've been working with yourson since he's been with us here." She shook their hands in turn and motioned for them to sit down. Dr. Crouse was a woman near Dotty's age. She was rather on the plump side, her face full of laugh lines, especially around the eyes. Amanda immediately felt at easy with her. She felt the slight tension leave Lee's body after they shook hands and knew he like her as well.

"Doctor, Phillip seemed awful jumpy last night," Amanda went straight to the point. "Is that a side effect of the medication?"

"Yes, it is. There are several meds we can try Phillip on and see which works best for him. I've already changed his so you should see an improvement today."

Turning to Phillip, she went on. "Phillip, would you like to fill your folks in on what's going on with you?" she asked.

Phillip spoke in a low voice, trying to stay unemotional, as he explained his feelingsover the last weeks. Lee covered Amanda's hand with his, lending her the support she needed to get through yet another stressful session.

"So, after being so happy with the concert, I guess my life just seemed to fall apart. Mom got attacked and I felt guilty." Amanda started to interrupt but stopped at Phillip's raised hand. "I know, that wasn't my fault but I still felt guilty. And then, when I got in the fight and Elayna dumped me," he took a deep breath and went on. "Then Dad went off the deep end at me and I just couldn't take it anymore. Nothing seemed to be making me feel better. I even thought about getting into the wine cellar and drinking but I didn't even think that would help. So, I just wanted to get away. It was all I could think of to do."

There was silence in the room after he finished. More than one person had tears in their eyes. Phillip looked up at Lee and his mother, the tears overflowing. "I'm so sorry I scared you. I scared me, too. Thank you for helping me, for getting me help."

Almost as one, Lee and Amanda moved forward to embrace him. There was a moment of confusion as the arms got sorted out. Amanda held Phillip, Phillip had one arm around his mother and the other around Lee. Lee stood over them both, enfolding them in his protective embrace. Several minutes later, the group broke apart as Phillip exclaimed, "Ew, Mom, you're crying all over my shirt."

With a laugh, Amanda took the tissues Dr. Crouse offered and cleaned up her face. They settled back in their chairs and looked at the doctor.

"So," Lee started the conversation. "Where do we go from here, Dr. Crouse?" he asked flashing his famous grin. Amanda nudged him with her elbow as Phillip stifled a chuckle. Lee became more serious and went on. "Have you talked to Dr. Phaff?"

Dr. Crouse assured them that she had consulted with Phaff and they planned to discharge Phillip in a few days, assuming he continued his present progress. It was time for Phillip to go to lunch and the aide escorted him out of the office to rejoin the rest of the patients.

Chapter Forty-One

Dr. Crouse stayed to speak privately with Lee and Amanda. Lee took Amanda's hand, it amazed him that she could cope. With everything that had happened to her in the past few weeks she still had the strength to help Phillip deal with his problems. Jamie and Dotty were trying to help as much as they could, as was he, but when you get right down to it no one suffers as much as a mother when her child is hurting. Lee knew she was a strong woman but this had to be incredibly painful for her.

"Mrs. Stetson, Phillip has spoken of your attack and the effect it had on him. I really have to know from you and you as well, Mr. Stetson," she said turning to face Lee and then back to Amanda. "Do either of you hold him in any way responsible? Maybe without putting it in words, could you be conveying to him that you blame him in any way?"

Lee and Amanda were shocked by the question. They looked at each other, communicating without words as they so often did. Lee shook his head slightly at his wife and turned to answer the doctor.

"No, neither of us blames Phillip. He's no more to blame than Amanda is or that desk or the tree. The only person that bears any blame for that is the creep that thought he could hurt my wife. And he paid the price." Lee faltered for a moment and Amanda reached out to touch his arm. He went on, his voice low and unsteady. "Did Phillip tell you what I did..that I…"

Dr. Crouse taking pity on the man in front of her held out her hand. "Yes, he told me. That must be very hard for you to have to deal with, Mr. Stetson. Dr. Phaff told me that he has spent considerable time with you, alone and with your wife, trying to help you cope. He said you are doing well, under the circumstances. But I really need you to be sure on this. Do you blame Phillip for not being there?"

Lee ran his hand through his hair. "For the last time, NO. I do not blame Phillip. No one does."

"Mr. Stetson, someone does. Phillip could let go of this if he didn't believe that person when they said it's his fault. He's gotten the message from somewhere and you are the most logical person," countered the doctor. "In our conversations, Phillip kept saying 'he' blames me. Is there any other 'he' it could be?"

Amanda's hand flew to her mouth as she gasped. Her eyes shot to Lee, seeing recognition dawning on his face. Lee's hands became fists and he rocked in his seat. Lee was torn between jumping up now or setting the doctor straight. Seeing the look on Amanda's face, he struggled to control himself. He settled back in the chair and his fists unclenched.

Dr. Crouse had watched the exchange in silence. It was obvious to her that Lee and Amanda had an idea who the mysterious 'he' was. It was equally obvious that Lee wanted to hurt him. She remained silent, waiting for an answer.

Chapter Forty-Two

"Joe," Lee finally choked out. "His father, Joe. That has to be it. What nonsense has he been filling Phillip's head with?" His voice rose with each word. "How could he? How could he blame Phillip? If he had to blame anyone, it should be me, it should be me." Lee's voice dropped off as he muttered these words. "God knows, I tried to blame myself." Tears formed in his eyes as he struggled for control. "It's so hard for me to accept… I wasn't there for her…when she needed me the most, I let her down. But, doc," Lee looked up his face clearing. "I have fought those demons and I know that there is no fault to be laid here. I still have to fight them, sometimes, but my head knows. Maybe one day my heart will believe as well."

Amanda had been silent while he spoke. Now as he fell silent, she spoke up. "Dr. Crouse, did the social worker tell you about Joe's reaction when we met together?" At her nod, Amanda went on. "That has to be where Phillip is getting this. Joe was totally unreasonable. I've never seen him like that before. Could he be using that anger to hide his own fear that somehow it was his fault? Could he be transferring that to Phillip?"

"Very good, Mrs. Stetson. Yes, it is likely that he is using his own anger to cover his own feelings of guilt. And that he is spreading it around to everyone involved in an attempt to ease his own pain. I want to talk to him about it but he hasn't returned my call. You can see why I had to be clear however. I need to know where to go with Phillip. He still has some anger directed at his father for abandoning the family in the first place. Now, his father is playing on that, trying to shift the blame. Phillip is afraid to acknowledge his anger at Joe, afraid that he will be abandoned again."

Turning to Lee, she went on. "And he is afraid to express any of that anger Joe is feeding him to you, Mr. Stetson. He thinks that if he does, you will abandon him as well. So he had nowhere to turn." She fell silent and shook her head.

"But, you can help him, can't you?" Amanda asked in a small voice. "Can you bring my son back to me?"

"Oh, yes, we can and will help him. But I'm afraid that he'll never again be the person he was. He'll be stronger but he won't be the same. I'm sorry."

Lee and Amanda departed, promising to stay in touch. Dr. Crouse would look with Dr. Phaff into getting Phillip a counselor that could really relate to him. It was apparent to all that Dr. Phaff was not connecting with Phillip enough to help.

Chapter Forty-Three

Lee was fuming as they drove back towards Arlington. He was ready to drive straight to Joe and Carrie's and have it out with Joe right now. Amanda prevailed on him to wait until they had time to work out a plan.. 

Arriving home, Amanda found a note from Dotty. She had taken Jamie to the Hischhorn Museum for the day. He loved the Modern Photography exhibit that was on display until December. 

Lee pulled Amanda into his arms. He held her close for a moment, savoring the feel of her. Amanda rested her head against his shoulder, taking the comfort that Lee provided simply by his existence. They stood in silence, lost in their own thoughts. 

Lee couldn't help himself. He meant to offer Amanda comfort and support. He couldn't help it if his body had ideas of its own. He shifted, trying to find a position where his growing interest wasn't so obvious. He tried to think of other things, like complex obscure Russia codewords. But that reminded him of Amanda, studying the Russia tapes early in their relationship. He had been falling for her even then. She was so cute when she threw herself into a project.

Amanda felt Lee wiggling around. She had a good idea what his problem was right now. Surprisingly, she could feel herself responding to his interest. She began to rub her hands along his back and sides, pressing closer to him.

Lee felt Amanda stroking his back. He thought she was trying to comfort him. Comfort was not the message he was getting from her. He shifted, catching her hands in his and looking down at her as she leaned back in surprise. One look in her eyes told him he was confused about the comfort part. She had that special twinkle that preceded a wonderful evening together. Lee swallowed hard.

Amanda smiled to see the effect she still had on her husband. The smile grew broader as he swallowed, having trouble catching his breath.

"Something wrong, love?" She asked sweetly, trying to look innocent. It was a look Lee could see through in a heartbeat. He growled at her.

"Amanda, if you don't stop right this instant…" he started to say but Amanda put her finger on his lips.

"If I don't stop, what will you do? Lee, what will you do?" she demanded, pressing herself against him. He growled again, deep in his throat.

"This," he said as his head descended and his lips captured hers. "And this," as the lips moved down her neck, caressing the junction of her shoulder and neck.

"And this." His hands reached out to cup her against him, feeling their bodies touching so closely that nothing could come between them. Reaching around, Lee swept her into his arms, his mouth coming back up to claim hers.

Amanda gave in to the sensations Lee was creating in her. When he picked her up, she wrapped her arms around his neck and opened to his demanding kiss. He carried her upstairs to their room, never taking his lips from hers. He knew exactly how many steps it took to reach his destination and never faltered in his course while keeping his focus on Amanda the entire journey. He laid her on the bed, looking down at her tenderly. 

'She is so trusting, how did I ever deserve her?' he thought to himself. 

Amanda reached up, pulling Lee down beside her. "Hold me," she whispered.

Lee wrapped himself around her, her head once again buried in his shoulder as he struggled to control himself. He would do whatever she needed him to do. Lee concentrated on thoughts of a cold shower, a cold waterfall that he was standing under with Amanda. Amanda wearing a tiny bikini, the warm water running over her shoulders, pasting her miniscule top to her … Lee stopped that train of thought abruptly. It was not helping calm him down.

"Lee," Amanda spoke softly. "It's all right. I'm not going to break."

He swung himself away from her and stood, looking down at her lying on the bed.

"Amanda, I don't want to put any more pressure on you. God knows you've been through enough. I know how worried you are about.." His voice faltered for a moment but he went on. "About everything. I just want to help you. Whatever it takes. Let me help you."

Amanda smiled at her husband. He was so cute when he was being noble and serious.

"Lee, you are helping me. Help me by getting things back to normal between us. I love you, I want to make love to you. Now get over here and help me out. I can't do this alone, you know!"

Lee was quick to comply with his wife's order. He took his time, making sure that she knew he was utterly enthralled with every part of her. When he got to the scar just below her heart, he hesitated. Gently he caressed it, tracing the outline with his fingertips. It had faded to a soft pink over the years. Amanda said it was no longer tender to the touch. It was a grim reminder of how dangerous life could be.

"Lee, are you okay?" Amanda closed her hand over his, covering the scar. "You know it doesn't hurt anymore."

Lee choked back the wave of emotion that swelled up in him. He couldn't quite contain the tears and they slowly trailed down his face as he shifted his gaze to Amanda.

"Oh, Lee, don't, sweetheart, don't. It's all right." She muttered soothing words to him.

"Amanda, it's not that. Well, it is, but it's not, does that make any sense? It's this," he caressed the scar again. "I almost lost you before our life began because of this random act of violence but you survived. And now," his voice broke completely but he forced the next words out, needing to get this said. "This other act of violence, it doesn't leave a big physical scar, it didn't keep you in the hospital, fighting for your life but it's worse, so much worse. There is no outside scar to see fade over time. All the scars are inside, where I can't heal them for you. Where no one else can really see how you've suffered and how you're healing. It breaks my heart to know that."

"It scares me to know how quickly a life can be changed forever. I take danger for granted in our line of work. It's part of the job. But to lose someone, no, to lose YOU by such a senseless act…it's more than I can take."

It was Amanda's turn to fold Lee in her embrace as he struggled to come to terms with the pain. It wasn't often that her strong husband needed to lose himself in her comforting arms. She treasured being able to help him like he had helped her so many times in the last years.

"Lee, oh, Lee, it will be okay. You know the scar is there but every time we acknowledge it, it gets smaller. It heals bit by bit. It will never be gone, just as this," Amanda traced the outline of her scar. "This will never go away, but it will fade. We will get through this, together. We can face anything as long as we are together."

Held in each other's arms, Lee and Amanda drifted off to sleep, worn out by the emotional storms of the past days.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5/7

But It Will Make You Miserable First

See Chapter One for WARNING, disclaimer, etc.

Chapter Forty-Four

Lee woke to find the afternoon sun low on the horizon. He carefully got out of bed, not wanting to wake Amanda. She slept on, undisturbed by his exit. He crossed the room and exited, shutting the door softly behind him. 

He was relieved to know that Amanda was healing bit by bit, even if it wasn't visible. The fact that she still desired him was good news in itself. The fact that he could share his fears and she understood amazed him. Most of all, he was encouraged that things would one day return to normal or at least what passed for normal in their lives.

Dotty and Jamie had not returned home from the museum. Lee entered the kitchen and peered in the refrigerator, looking for something to make for dinner.

"Ah, ha," he thought to himself, spying ground beef and cheese. "My famous 'Lee's Lasagna' for dinner tonight. Humming to himself, Lee set about preparing the sauce to simmer. He went down to the basement where he and Phillip had built a small wine cellar shortly after he moved in. It was a little crooked but it worked. He smiled at the memory. Things had been so hopeful then. He was holding onto the thought that they would be there again soon. Selecting a bottle to accompany the meal, Lee went back upstairs to check on his sauce.

As he entered the kitchen he heard the loud 'PLOP, PLOP' of the sauce boiling. Rushing to the stove, he reached out for the pot handle. "Ouch, blast," he exclaimed as he hurriedly jerked the pot off the heating element and snatched his hand to his mouth. "That was hot," he mumbled to himself, crossing to the sink and running cool water over his hand. The sauce pan continued to 'PLOP' behind him. Usually he like these pots, they were made of porcelain covered steel. While they were slow to heat up, they were great for simmering. Once the blasted things got this hot, however, it took forever for the temperature to cool below boiling. 

Hoping that the sauce wasn't burnt, Lee lifted the lid, using the plaid potholder Amanda had given him. She said it was a joke but Lee never did understand it. Still, she gave it to him and he quickly became enamoured of its softness. It was just the right size for his hand as well. She never would say where it came from and there was no tag.

Turning his thoughts back to dinner, Lee stirred the sauce, the aroma wafting through the house. It wasn't burnt, thankfully. Lee turned the burner on Warm, setting it to simmer while he prepared the rest of the ingredients. Time passed quickly and dinner was soon assembled, ready to be popped in the oven. Lee turned to find Amanda coming down the stairs, her hair still damp from the shower.

He met her at the foot of the stairs. Amanda stopped one step up and met her husband face to face. Standing here, she didn't have to look to meet his eyes. Lee's arms snaked around her waist and she rested her forehead against his.

"Feeling rested?" He asked with a smile. 

"Umm, very. You shouldn't have snuck out of bed, though. You never know what could have happened if you'd stuck around," she teased.

"Hey," he exclaimed in mock indignation. "Some one had to feed us. Besides," he went on, his voice softening, "You needed the rest. I know you've been up the past few nights."

"Lee," she sighed, "I didn't mean to disturb you when I got up. I just couldn't sleep, worrying about everything."

"I know, sweetheart, I know. It's okay. I would have gotten up with you if you'd need me," he said simply.

"I know, but it wasn't anything you could do to help. I wrote in my journal. That helped. And you, big fella," she playfully punched him in the chin and he jerked back, pretending to be hurt. "You need your rest to catch all those bad guys." She giggled at his antics as he staggered away from her, theatrically spinning round and round before collapsing on the kitchen stool, pretending to be knocked out. 

Amanda laughed outright as one eye peeked up at her to see if she was watching. Lee stood and struck a dramatic pose, his hands clasped over his heart, affecting a tragic face.

"Ah," he exclaimed in mournful tones. "I practice my art and she laughs, I am," 

(here his arm flew up, covering his eyes from view), "I am devastated, wounded to the quick by her indifference."

Amanda was laughing so hard tears began rolling down her cheeks as she bent double, holding onto the hand rail for support, gasping for breath. Lee took one more peek at her from under his forearm and lost the fight to keep a straight face.

Both of them were lost in laughter. One would gain control as the other struggled to stop but a look would set them both off again. Laughing so hard they couldn't stand, Lee and Amanda crawled towards each other, meeting halfway across the kitchen floor and collapsing in each other's arms.

Chapter Forty-Five

That was the sight that greeted Dotty and Jamie when they returned. At Dotty's quizzical look, Lee and Amanda lost control all over again. 

"Jamie, I think the pressure has gotten to them," she said in a stage whisper. "You call the men in the white coats and I'll keep them calm."

At the sudden silence that greeted this remark, Dotty's gasp could be heard clearly. "Oh, dear, I'm so sorry. What a thoughtless thing to say. Please, Lee, Amanda, forgive me."

Amanda crossed the room to her mother and put her arms around her. "It's okay, Mother. We are all having to adjust to this. At least we can forget for a while and laugh. It keeps us sane." She had to smile at her own choice of words. Jamie and Lee joined the two women and they all hugged each other in silence for a moment. Wiping a tear from her eye, Dotty broke the embrace.

"Is that the famous 'Lee's Lasagna' I smell?" she said breaking the moment. "I am so hungry I could eat a horse. This boy would not stop all afternoon, Amanda. I have never seen anyone so enthralled with pictures. I kept offering him a snack but, nooo, he wouldn't leave the exhibit. What was I to do? And then all the way home, chatter, chatter, chatter. I declare, I don't know where he gets it from. This need to ramble on and on. Well, dear," she changed the subject instantly as the others exchanged glances. "How soon until dinner?" she asked Lee.

"Soon enough that the table needs to be set," Lee said. Jamie busied himself with that task while Amanda drew her mother aside.

"Mother, have you noticed Joe acting strangely around the boys?" she asked in a low tone.

"Strangely how, dear?" she replied.

"Well, you know, being critical. Getting on to them about stuff. Overreacting about little things. That kind of strange," Amanda replied. 

"Well, he does seem critical about everything the boys have been doing since your attack. Especially.." her voice trailed off as understanding dawned. "Do you mean to tell me that Joe is blaming Phillip for that? How ridiculous!! It has nothing to do with him, it was just, well, just well. You and I both know..I mean and so does Lee. How could Joe blame Phillip? Amanda, I don't understand."

"I don't either, Mother, but that seems to be what's going on and it didn't help Phillip to be hearing such different messages from his parents. Joe needs to be set straight and I intend to be the one to do it. Soon," she stated firmly, taking her mother by the arm and guiding her back to the kitchen to eat as Lee put dinner on the table.

Over dinner, Jamie told them all about the photo exhibit. He really liked the modern abstracts. 

"And, Mom," he enthused, "there's a juried show the Art teacher wants to enter one of my photo's into. She thinks I have a good chance to place," he beamed.

"That's great, Jamie. I am so proud of you, sweetheart. We all are." A chorus of agreement sounded from the other occupants of the table. "What's this photo of, sweetie?"

Jamie fell silent for a moment. "I'd rather not say right now, Mom." Seeing the look on her face he went on hurriedly. "Mom, nothing like that. It's just kind personal. You'll see it if I get accepted in the show, okay?"

Silence greeted this request then there were nods of agreement. Dinner was finished and a plate wrapped up to be taken to Phillip. The whole family was going to visit tonight. They cleaned the kitchen and piled into the Explorer for the trip.

Chapter Forty-Six

Dotty and Jamie had not seen Phillip in the hospital. Nothing they had heard could prepare them for the experience. Amanda was concerned that Jamie would get upset at the security surrounding the ward, but he took it in stride. Amanda could see Dotty fighting back the tears as she gazed at the locked doors and barred windows. 

Lee wrapped his arm around Dotty's waist and whispered in her ear. Dotty gave a sniff and a small smile appeared on her face at his words. Amanda barely had time to wonder what had been said before she was enveloped in a bear hug from her oldest son.

"Mom, is that food?" he asked, eyeing the plate in Jamie's hands. "Man, I am starved; the food here is rotten! What did you bring me, Jamie?"

"Yeah, well, hi to you, too." Jamie groused good naturally as he handed the plate to his brother.

"Oh, sorry, hi and Grandma," Phillip turned to Dotty and wrapped his arms around her in the same way Lee had a moment earlier. 

'When did he get so tall?' Amanda wondered, watching the exchange with pleasure. 'Who taught him that move, I wonder?' She smiled at Lee, who was watching the exchange between Phillip and Dotty. 'Did Phillip pick that up from Lee or did Lee pick it up from us?' Shaking her head to dismiss the topic as irrelevant, Amanda herded the group toward a table to sit. 

"Now, Phillip, where is the microwave around here?" Dotty asked looking around the room. "I mean, don't they allow you to eat here? Surely the staff knows you are a growing boy who needs his food. Where's the kitchen?"

"Oh, Grandma, you are so funny," Phillip laughed and shook his head at her. "They aren't going to let us have access to anything that could hurt us. No kitchen around here. But I can get the counselor to nuke this for me in the staff room, just a sec."

Phillip took the plate to a burly man near the nursing station and spoke earnestly to him. The plate exchanged hands and Phillip returned to the table, taking an empty chair.

"Be just a few minutes, and he's gonna bring me a soda as well. Boy, that will be good."

"They don't let you have anything to drink?" exclaimed Dotty. "Amanda, are you sure this is the type place Phillip needs to be? It doesn't seem like they take very good care of him here. Why, these children could get dehydrated. They could be weak from lack of food. I just think this it uncalled for and I …"

Dotty wound to a halt at a look from Lee. A glance at Amanda told Dotty she had gone too far. As the tears began to trickle down Amanda's cheeks, Dotty stood and took Phillip by the shoulder. 

"Come on, Phillip, show me your room while we wait. You come too, Jamie."

The trio walked down the hall with Jamie's words echoing in their ears.

"Hey, do you have to share a room in here? And…"

Amanda wiped the tears from her face as Lee held her by the shoulders. He tried to pull her into his embrace but she held back.

"It's okay. I'll be fine." She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I WILL be fine. Mother is just shocked and she," a small laugh escaped Amanda. "She does ramble when she gets nervous. She didn't mean anything by it."

"I know," Lee replied, using his thumb to rub the back of Amanda's hand. "Good thing we know her so well, huh?" He smiled at Amanda's brisk nod of agreement. "Or it could be annoying not endearing, hmm?"

"Oh, never annoying, that's just my mother. She's always been that way. Ever since I was a little girl, I remember. Anytime she got nervous or upset, she'd just start rambling away. Daddy used to laugh and laugh. He'd say 'Now, Panda, aren't you glad you don't take after your mother?' And Mother would slap at him and he'd hug her." Amanda wound down, aware that at the moment she sounded just like Dotty. "Good thing I'm not like that, huh?"

Lee's burst of laughter came as Phillip's plate of food returned from the staff room complete with a soda, as promised. Phillip, Jamie and Dotty returned to see what was so funny but that topic was quickly forgotten as Phillip began tucking away his food.

Jamie told him the school news while he ate and gave him the "Feel better" wishes from his friends afterwards. Amanda told him that King Eddie had seen him leaving the Embassy and called her. The King was concerned about Phillip and wanted to help. Dotty was strangely quiet and Lee watched her closely. When Phillip had finished eating, Lee took the dishes. 

"Come on, Dotty, let's see where we can go clean these up," he asked. Dotty rose and the two of them headed out the locked door.

"All right, give," he said as they entered the kitchen area. "Are you okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be okay, Lee? My daughter was raped. She may be pregnant. Oh, don't give me that look, buster. I know well enough that she's upset about something and I can add two and two together. I was with her the past two times, remember? Now, my grandson is in a prison because he wanted to kill himself. His father is losing his mind and ruining their relationship with his foolishness. And I just want it all to stop. I want it to go away."

By now Dotty was in tears and in Lee's arms. Her fists were pounding against his chest and sobs threatened to rack her body. Lee held her, wondering vaguely if he was destined to be the West women's crying post. Her distress quieted as she vented the worst of it.

"Oh, my goodness, I am so sorry, Lee. I don't know what came over me. Did I hurt you?" Dotty tried in vain to dry the wet spots her tears had caused on Lee's sweater. She refused to look into his eyes. 

Lee took her hands in his, and as he had done so many times in the past with Amanda, lifted Dotty's face with his fist, forcing her to look at him.

"Dotty, it's okay. Let me be here for you the way you've always been here for everyone else. 

TBC


	6. Chapter 6/7

But It Will Make You Miserable First

See Chapter One for WARNING, disclaimers, ratings, ETC.

Chapter Forty-Seven

Lee held Dotty until she had regained control of herself. He offered her the handkerchief that the Colonel had always insisted he carried. It seemed to be getting quite a workout lately.

"I'm sorry, Lee. It just got to me for a moment. I'll be fine. I just needed ..Well, that is…I never imagined this place would be so …so bleak. I mean, I guess I should have known. But to see the reality. And to know that my grandson, Amanda's baby," Dotty shook her head, for once unable to express her thoughts.

Lee took her hands in his. Dotty's hands were small, just like Amanda's were. He always felt so powerful when he held Amanda's hands. With Dotty, however, he merely felt helpless.

"Dotty, I don't think I've ever told you," Lee began. "How much I admire your strength. It's easy to see where Amanda gets it from. And I know that Phillip and Jamie share that trait. He will be okay. And we will all get through this together."

Lee squeezed her hands gently, raising them to his lips and bestowing a kiss on her knuckles. Incredibly, Dotty blushed at his actions and began to stammer. 

"You are a dangerous man, Lee Stetson," she said with a twinkle in her eye. "No wonder my daughter is mad about you. Are you sure you don't have an older brother?" she asked hopefully.

Lee chuckled at her words and released her hands. "No, but I'll be glad to introduce you to the colonel next time he's in town. He taught me everything I know," Lee added with a wink. He had become much more at ease with the Colonel under Amanda's influence. Even if the man wanted to know when they were going to start a family. He was crazy about the boy's but Dotty had always managed to miss meeting him.

Dotty blushed even more as she swatted him on the arm. "Oh, you. We'd better get back. Amanda will be wondering where we've run off to."

They rejoined the family in the visiting room with the clean dishes. The remaining few minutes were devoted to motherly concern and grandmotherly admonition on how to behave interspersed with hugs and kisses. Phillip endured this stoically while Jamie and Lee struggled to stifle their chuckles at all the advice. Lee finally took pity on Phillip and ended the conversation by taking Amanda firmly by the arm and heading to the door. 

Chapter Forty-Eight

Saturday passed much the same. Amanda visited Phillip alone in the morning and with the family in the evening. Sunday morning as she was arriving, Joe and Carrie were leaving. Amanda glared at him as he stalked by her, anger still radiating like a living thing from him. Carrie gave Amanda a sheepish smile as she hurried after Joe. Amanda submitted to the usual search of her belongings before entering the common room, searching for Phillip.

She found him off in a corner, huddled inside himself. Amanda seethed with indignation for him. She just knew that Joe had set back his recovery with his visit. Approaching him, Amanda noted the trace of tears still on his cheeks. Inside she burned, outwardly, she appeared calm.

"Hi, sweetheart. How are you this morning?" she asked in a low tone, reaching out to embrace him as she always did. Phillip pushed her away and muttered to himself. He turned his face away and wiped away the tears before turning back to his mother, pasting a smile on his face. He didn't fool Amanda for a second but she let him have his little illusion.

"I'm okay," he said in a morose tone. "Dr. Crouse said I'm doing great. Maybe I can come home in a day or two."

"That's great, sweetheart, just great." Amanda felt awkward. She knew that something had happened before she arrived that caused Phillip to be upset. Likely Joe had been on Phillip about something. Amanda knew that she needed to confront Joe about his attitude and keep him away from the boys until Joe could work out his own problems.

"Phillip, what did your dad have to say?" The wince Phillip gave at her words confirmed Amanda's fears. Joe HAD been badgering him again. "Phillip?"

"Let's go to my room, okay, Mom?" Phillip rose and reached out his hand to Amanda in a gesture he had seen Lee use a thousand times.

Amanda smiled to herself as she took the proffered hand and rose. Together they entered the sparse room that Phillip had been calling home for the last few days. Amanda took the chair by the desk while Phillip paced the room.

"Mom," he began uncertainly. Amanda stayed silent, sensing how hard this was for him to reach out to her. "Mom, Dad says that everything is your fault, that I shouldn't blame myself. Do you think that's true?" He looked at her with pleading eyes, begging her to help him make sense of things.

Amanda took a deep breath and considered her reply. On one hand, Joe's blaming her was nonsense. On the other hand, at least he wasn't blaming Phillip anymore. But on the third hand, Phillip deserved to know that there was no blame or shame to be attached to any of the events in the past month. Sometimes, things just happened, there didn't have to be a reason. Amanda shook her head at the image. She had too many hands running around.

"Phillip," she said carefully considering her words. "What happened to me was one of those random things that no one like to talk about. It just happened. I know that you are a little young to understand. Actually, I don't understand too well myself." Tears threatened to rise in her eyes, but she willed them down. "There is no fault to be attached. There is no blame to be placed. It..Just..Is. And that can be very hard to understand. It's been hard for me to come to terms with, sweetie, I can only imagine how much harder it is for you."

Phillip made no reply and Amanda went on. "Phillip, I know that your dad was blaming you for what happened." At his startled look, she smiled, slightly. "Hey, haven't I always told you that mothers know all things? Anyway, about your dad, I feel that he's unable to deal with the idea of what happened. He just cannot process it and so he's looking for ways to not have to accept that random acts happen. He's in denial, he's scared and he's lashing out and hurting the very ones he loves the most." 

Phillip stopped his pacing and crossed the room to be closer to Amanda. He sat down on the bed.

"I know that the things he says to you are scary and that they make you angry because you know it isn't true. But it really feels scary to be so mad at Dad, huh? And so you hate yourself, because if he's right, then you are an awful person. And if he's wrong, then he is the awful person and you cannot accept that. So you're confused, baby. It's a very grown up thing to have to deal with and," she leaned closer to him as he moved to sit at her feet and whispered. "I'll tell you a secret, grown ups lots of times feel like little kids who want to run and hide from the truth about stuff like this."

Phillip looked up at her, amazed as always that his Mom would tell him such 'grown-up' things. He tried to bluster, wanting her to think that this time she was wrong.

"It's not that, Mom. Dad's got a right to be mad at me. He's right, I am screwing up my life. But, Mom, it's MY life! Why can't he just leave me alone?" Phillip's tone was belligerent and didn't fool Amanda.

"Phillip, what's so bad that you think you are screwing up? Please, baby," she choked on the endearment. "What can be this bad?" she asked, knowing that she shouldn't but unable to keep from trying to fix things.

"We'll talk about in the session tomorrow, okay? Did I tell you Dr. Crouse found a guy for me to see when I get out of here? His name is John Blevins and he sounds really cool. He's in his late twenties and can remember what it's like to be a kid."

"That's nice, sweetheart. I look forward to meeting him. I hope he's able to help you sort things through."

Phillip's emotions swung again, this time to tearful remorse. "I hope so too, Mom, I really do. Just..just let me be for now, okay, Mom? Leave me alone. I just want to be alone to think about everything." Phillip crossed to the bed and laid down, shutting her out. 

Amanda rose to leave and kissed him gently on the top of his head. Fighting back the tears, she spoke. "All right, Phillip, all right. What do you want for dinner tonight?"

Phillip merely shook his head and muttered. "Nothing, Mom. In fact, I really just want to be left alone. Could you not come visit tonight? I need time to think. "

Amanda turned her back to gather her purse, hiding the sorrow on her face from him. "Sure, sweetie, I understand. We'll just see you tomorrow then, okay? Bye, then and I hope you get a lot of productive thinking done." Pasting a smile on her face she faced him once more.

Phillip was eyeing her suspiciously saying a quiet "Thank you, Mom," as she left the room.

Once outside the ward, Amanda fought for control once again, managing to push down the distress that was reaching out to her. 'Phillip is growing up,' she lectured herself. 'He has to work these things out for himself. I have to let him work it out. I never knew this would be so hard.'

Chapter Forty-Nine

Dinner came and went in the Stetson household in unaccustomed silence. Amanda had related to Lee the morning events and that Phillip wanted to be alone. Lee wanted to go confront Phillip for the pain he was causing his mother but knew without a doubt that was a VERY BAD idea.

He and Jamie had spent the most of the afternoon working on a frame for the photo that was being entered in the Art Show. Jamie was very excited that his teacher thought so highly of the work. Jamie had the matting at home but refused to allow anyone to see the actual photo.

Lee had discovered an unknown side of himself while helping his stepsons with projects. He learned more from them than they did from him but it helped them bond. His respect for Amanda went up another level every time he screwed something up and Phillip or Jamie had to bail him out.

Amanda had thrown herself into housework as she always did when she was upset. When the knock on the door came, she was crawling around in the cabinet under the stairs where the accumulation of the past few boyish enthusiasms rested. They were now joined by Lee's enthusiasms as well. The balls, rackets and climbing gear threatened to collapse on her as she exited the cabinet, swiped her dusty face with an equally dirty hand and answered the door.

Francine's eyebrows rose at the sight before her and her mouth twitched with a snide comment that being near Amanda always seemed to bring out in her. Francine swallowed it and smiled pleasantly.

"I'm sorry, I seem to be interrupting. Amanda, can we talk?" Without waiting for an answer, Francine swept in the house and headed for the kitchen.

Amanda followed her, wondering what was going on. She was even more shocked when Francine took a dish towel, dampened it in the sink and reached out to wipe the dirt off her face. Amanda took the towel from Francine's hand and finished wiping her face and hands, trying to cover her rattled nerves.

"Francine, oh thank you. Here, let me take that. I must look a sight. I wasn't expecting you. I mean, I wasn't expecting anyone. I mean, I was cleaning, you know, it's so hard to keep up with three men and their stuff. Well, I know you don't know but …" Amanda ran out of breath finally and Francine smiled reaching out and taking her hands.

"Amanda, I do know what you mean. I'm sorry for dropping in unannounced but I wanted to talk to you."

"Do you need to see Lee? He's out in the garage with Jamie. They're working on a project for art class. I'll just go get him," Amanda began to edge toward the door but stopped at Francine's words.

"No, Amanda, I came to see you. You, alone. Now, shall we have some coffee? Where do you keep it?" She began rummaging around, filling the coffee maker while Amanda got down the coffee and fixed the filter. They stood in silence while the coffee made and then took their cups into the den. 

Francine had never really looked around Amanda and Lee's house and she was enchanted by what she saw. It wasn't to her taste but she could recognize the effort put into decorating when it surrounded her.

"Amanda, it looks just like you, the décor, I mean."

Amanda looked at her oddly, wondering what insult hid in that remark.

"No, I mean that as a compliment. I think your home reflects you and your family. Warm, close and loving. I know we've had our differences but we've also shared some close times, remember? And I'm here today," Francine continued, "because I am your friend and Lee's friend. I want to help."

"Well, thank you Francine, but there's not really anything you could do right now with Phillip." Amanda was really confused now.

Francine gave a rueful chuckle. "Not about Phillip. I know that's something I can't help with unless you just need an ear?" She cocked an eyebrow at Amanda, who shook her head no. Frankly, Francine was relieved, she was not able to understand teenagers.

"Amanda, I want to tell you a story. A story about Lee and myself." 

Amanda gave a start, unsure if she wanted to hear this.

"No, not that," Francine had the grace to look abashed. "I'm sure Lee has explained our 'backgammon' friendship was long over before he met you. No, this story is about friends. You see, right after I joined the Agency, after my first assignment in fact, I made a really bad choice of male friends," Francine paused, taking a deep breath. 

"I found myself alone and pregnant. Lee stood by me during that time. He stood by me when I lost the baby and let me cry in his arms. He's the only one who even knew about the baby. He supported me when I was so racked with pain that I didn't know how to go on. And I want to be able to do the same thing for him, for you."

"The father never knew?" Amanda asked in a whisper, aching for Francine. "Francine, I am so sorry. You must have been so hurt."

"There was no question of telling him," Francine declared. "No way in hell that I was going to tell him, not after what he did to me. But the point is, Lee was there for me. Let me be here for you," she said, brushing aside Amanda's expression of pain on her behalf.

"What do you mean, Francine? Everything is fine," Amanda fiddled with her cup, not looking at Francine. "We've just got to help Phillip right now."

Francine shook her head at Amanda. "Lee came by the apartment a few days ago, Amanda. He told me about you..being sick to your stomach."

A weak "oh" was Amanda's reply. Part of her was embarrassed at Francine, of all people, knowing about what might be going on. The other part was glad that Lee had someone he could turn too in his despair. Of course, she would have guessed Billy but, given what Francine had just told her, maybe it was understandable.

"Have you been to the doctor? Do you know anything yet? Do you just want to talk about it? Amanda, let me help you. Sometimes, it's good to talk to someone not so closely connected to the situation." Francine felt uncomfortable now but pressed on with her train of thought. "It might help you sort out your options if you talk about it."

Amanda was astonished. She didn't realize that Francine could be so insightful when it came to emotions. She had always seemed to be as disconnected from them as Lee had been when Amanda first met him.

Setting her coffee cup down, Amanda turned to face Francine. "Thank you for your concern, Francine. Actually I went to the doctor but it's too early to tell. Lee and I talked about it the other day. I don't know what to do. How could I carry a child conceived by rape? But, how could I do otherwise? It wouldn't be the baby's fault how it came to be."

Struggling for control, Amanda began to pace the floor, a bad habit she had picked up from Lee. "Francine, I couldn't keep it but how could I give my child away? It's too much, just too much. I'll go insane if I have to think about this anymore."

Francine rose and stopped Amanda's pacing. She put her arms around Amanda, pulling her into an embrace that startled both women. Tears were streaming down both their faces when they heard the backdoor open and Lee's voice calling out.

"Amanda, is that? Oh, hello Francine, I thought that was your car. What brings you here?" Lee watched the women separate, wiping their faces with their hands. Tactfully, he turned away, heading for the kitchen. 

"Ah, fresh coffee," he said, his voice a tad louder than normal, Lee took out a cup and poured it. "Anyone need a refill?"

Amanda and Francine had regained their composure and erased the traces of tears from their faces, exchanging small smiles at Lee's obvious discomfort. When Lee reentered the room with the coffee pot, they were smiling.

"Ah, no, Lee, thanks anyway. I, ah, just dropped in to tell Amanda, that is to ask Amanda.."

"For my poppy seed cake recipe. Seems Francine wants to impress a date with her cooking skills. I told her I'd be happy to make one for her and send over the dirty dishes." Amanda jumped into the void.

"But, that's okay, maybe I should just tell him the truth." Francine laughed, grateful for Amanda's quick wit.

"Yeah, Francine, considering what happened the last time you took cooking lessons," Lee joked. Francine and Amanda both joined in his laughter as they recalled those fateful visits with Mrs. Welch. The Stetsons' eyes met as the memories of their first encounter drifted through their minds.

"Well, maybe you are right. Anyway, Amanda, if you change your mind, you know where to find me, okay? Bye Lee." Francine beat a hasty retreat out the front door.

"So, are you going to tell me?" Lee asked.

"No," Amanda replied. "It was private, between Francine and me. But, Lee," she crossed the room and stroked his face. "Thank you for being a friend," she said, reaching up to kiss him on the cheek.

Chapter Fifty

Monday morning came bright and early. Jamie rushed off to school while Lee and Amanda headed over to the hospital for their meeting. They were shown into Dr. Crouse's office and waited in silence, each lost in their own thoughts.

Several minutes later, Dr. Crouse arrived with a young man in tow. She introduced him as John Blevins, Phillip's out patient therapist. Settling in their chairs, Amanda spoke first.

"Mr. Blevins, uh, is that doctor or.."

"Just call me John. I'm a Pastoral Counselor. Just to set you mind at ease, let me assure you that I do counseling, not religious conversion. It's merely that we are affiliated with the Christian community. Many time we have our office located in one. I had time to talk to Phillip this morning before his classes started. He really wants to understand and make sense of what's going on in his life. I assume you are willing to work with us to get there?"

At their affirmative nod, John went on. "Now there are things I will not be able to tell you. Those remain covered under doctor/patient confidentiality. I promise, that I will let you know if there is a problem or if Phillip starts to be suicidal again. When and if he wants you to be in on the sessions, that is fine. Keeping that in mind, do you have any questions for me?"

After settling the basics of how often, when and where he and Phillip were to meet, Amanda had a question.

"John, in our last talk with Dr. Crouse, she said Phillip is feeling a lot of confusion related to his father's anger and abandonment. Has he mentioned that to you?"

"Yes, we did talk about that subject. Phillip said his father was putting a lot of pressure on him to excel in all areas of his life. Phillip hates the thought that he's letting his father down and to an extent, he feels guilty because he values Lee's opinion of him more than he does his fathers. Phillip is angry at Joe for leaving your family when he was so young, but he is afraid to express that anger at him now that Joe is back in his life."

Amanda and Lee nodded; they had figured that much out for themselves. John went on.

"Joe seems to still have some conflict over your divorce, Mrs. Stetson. He blames you for depriving him of his family. And he blames you, Mr. Stetson, for trying to take his place in his son's affections." Blevins held up his hand, forestalling the words about to rush out of Lee and Amanda's mouths. "I didn't say you had, just that he perceives it to be so and he is passing on that anger to Phillip."

"Joe has no right," Lee spoke forcefully. "None at all, to involve the boys in his emotional problems."

"No, Mr. Stetson, he has no right but unfortunately, he is doing so. Our job is to help Phillip realize that they are Joe's problems and that Phillip should not take ownership of them. Joe needs to own them, only then will he be able to let go.

"I'm going to recommend that Phillip be released in a couple of days. He needs to know that you and his mother will be there for him and that you want to help him."

"We do and we will," said Lee reaching for Amanda's hand. "Whatever it takes."

Chapter Fifty-One

Joe called that evening, demanding that Phillip come stay with him "Until you and Lee get everything settled between you."

Amanda had seethed and refused, politely, just barely. She asked Joe to stay away from Phillip and Jamie for a while. Joe ranted and raved that she had no right to keep him away from his sons. It wasn't until Amanda threatened to get a restraining order that he took her seriously. 

"You haven't heard the end of this, Amanda. They are my sons and I have a right to see them. I'll see you in court if I have to."

"Fine, Joe, just fine. If that's what you want. But don't forget who has custody and just what your visiting rights are as spelled out in the divorce papers. I believe it's two weeks in the summer and one weekend a month." Amanda struggled to keep her temper. She had never known Joe to be so unreasonable, except when he wanted her to move and she refused. That had led to their divorce. As it was, ever since his return to the states, Amanda had encouraged Joe to spend as much time as he could with the boys. School nights, weekends, long visits in the summer. And this was the thanks she got now. The more he spoke, the angrier Amanda got.

"Custody can be changed, Amanda. I don't think you and Lee are fit parents. What with your jobs and running off and around all hours of the day and night. That's not even mentioning the danger you have put them in with this lifestyle. I want my boys.." Click. 

Lee could hear the conversation across the room. He was the one who hung up the phone. He took Amanda in his arms and held her close. To his surprise, she didn't seem upset. Instead, she was angry. She pulled away from him, pacing the den in a habit she had picked up from him, muttering under her breath. As her voice became louder, Lee could make out the words.

"Thinks I'm an unfit mother, does he? And you an unfit stepfather? Well, he's got another think coming to him. I think I need to go see that lawyer in the morning."

"Amanda, he's upset. You know he doesn't mean it." Lee tried talking to her but Amanda moved away from him. 

"No one threatens to take my children from me. No one. If that's the way he wants to be, well, two can play at that game, buster." Her eyes glinted steel at him and Lee backed away, raising his hands in front of him.

"Whoa, Agent Stetson. I'm on your side. However you want to play it, I'm with you all the way."

Two days later, Phillip was released to come home. Dotty had come over and cooked all his favorite foods. Jamie had cleaned the house and even changed the sheets in Phillip's room without being asked.

TBC

The story referred to with Francine and Lee is "It's All Coming Back To Me Now" and is posted at FanFiction.net by this author.


	7. Chapter 7/7

But It Will Make You Miserable First

See Chapter One for Warnings, disclaimer, etc.

The poem "Life is a Lemon" is a song by Meatloaf. The song from John's tape "Crash and Burn" and the other poem "Affirmation" are songs written and performed by Savage Garden. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to my last minute beta readers, Calicia, Les, Amanda and Maria. Thanks to Beth J for all her input throughout the entire process. I couldn't have done it without you!!!

Chapter Fifty-Two

Phillip remained on outpatient status Thursday and Friday. Amanda took him over in the mornings and collected him around 3:30 every day. When she met him on Friday afternoon, he was excited as he left the classroom.

"Mom, guess what? Today the counselors had us write about all our bad feelings any way we wanted. Mine is in a poem. It was really interesting. I didn't know that I felt this way until it all just started flowing out. I still have to work on it and find a title but we are going to share them in the family meeting Friday. You will come, won't you?"

"Phillip, you know we'll be there. I am so glad you're feeling better. Lee and I will do everything we can to help you. Everyone will, I'm sure." Amanda was torn, optimistic on one hand, relieved as well. But on the other hand, she was concerned that this was too much too soon and Phillip would relapse at the first sign of a challenge.

"Not everyone, Mom. Dad came by the ward today. He wanted to see me but the counselors wouldn't let him. They said you had a court order denying him access to me. Is that true?" At his mother's nod, he went on. "I guess I can see why. Dad's really been scaring me. One minute he yells and the next he just gets all quiet and moody. And every time he comesto see me, I get more confused. He just makes me so mad and then I get so scared and I don't know why. I guess the judge made the right decision after we talked. But I'm sorry you had to go through that, Mom. It musta been hard for you."

Amanda swallowed the words that tried to come rushing out of her. They were words that no child should have to hear spoken by one parent about the other. She wanted to condemn Joe's actions and words. She wanted to attack him with all the hurt he had inflicted on her in the past weeks. However, she knew that doing so would cause more problems than it solved and so she stifled those hurtful words and strove to say something non-committal.

"Phillip, I know that your father loves you and wants the best for you. It just seems that he's having his own problems expressing it in a helpful way. So everyone agreed that it's best if he's not around you and Jamie for a while."

"Yeah, Mom, I agree. Anyway, we're going to write about what's right in our lives as well. This is a really cool exercise. I've never done any writing just to get my feelings out, you know? It's really helping. What's for dinner?"

Amanda let Phillip ramble on as she thought back on the scene in the Family Court the day before when the judge told Joe he wouldn't be allowed to see the boys until he had sought help.

Chapter Fifty-Three

Amanda had called T.P. Aquinas Tuesday from the office and arranged to meet him for lunch at his favorite café. He rose to greet her with an ever-ready smile on his face. T.P. had helped Amanda and Lee out many times in the past and Amanda knew that he could steer her in the right direction now. She needed a good lawyer, one that was able to understand the security issues and tough enough to help her protect the boys. 

"Good Afternoon, Mrs. Stetson. And how are you this lovely fall day? Where is that rakish husband of yours this morning? I don't know what he's thinking, letting a beautiful woman like you have a lunch date with another man." T.P. gave her a gentle smile as he held her chair until she was settled.

Amanda had no choice but to smile in return. "Oh, T.P., you are such a rogue. And you know by now that you should call me Amanda. Lee wanted to come but Billy caught him at the last minute. He'll try to join us when he gets away…T.P., I need your help."

"Amanda, you know I am always at the ready to assist a lovely damsel such as yourself. How may I help you?" T.P. pushed his glasses up on his nose and gave her a serious look. "Is this about the office? I haven't heard of anything going on that I felt you needed to know."

"No, T.P., this is personal. I guess, that is, do you know, uh, have you..." Amanda suddenly could not force out the word to tell T.P. of her attack and the subsequent events. She found her hands extremely interesting and studied them intently, blocking all other thoughts from her mind. 

She jumped when warm hands covered hers. Looking up, she saw T.P. giving her one of his sad smiles as he nodded. She exhaled a breath she wasn't aware of holding.

"Lee called me, dear girl. How may I express my sorrow for your pain? Such a terrible, terrible thing." He shook his head, eyes unfocused for a moment as he recalled his feelings when Lee had told him. "Now, how may I help you? Is this about the..." he let his words trail off. Like so many people, he was reluctant, almost unable to say the actual words.

"No, T.P.," Amanda squeezed his hands, conveying her thanks for his tact. "No, this is about my ex-husband. He's causing problems and I need legal help. Do you know someone who… "

"Can take on Slater, Gross and King with the security clearances and the expertise as well? Of course, my dear Amanda, you just tell me what the problem is and we will find the right person."

Amanda explained how Joe had been acting ever since the attack, how irrational he had behaved about Phillip, and how she was afraid he was going to delay his recovery with his attitude. She ended with his threat to take the boys away from her at the end of their last conversation.

"So," T.P. mused. "He is worried about their safety due to you and Lee being agents and wants to gain custody. Have there been any problems in that area?" 

After Amanda explained the problem caused by Joe himself, she explained the steps she and Lee had taken to keep their family safe. "Well, Amanda, it sounds to me as if he doesn't have any grounds. Now, let me think about who can best help us with this quandary."

T.P. was deep in thought as Lee arrived and took the chair by his wife, his arm automatically going across the back of her chair. T.P. was accessing the laptop computer he carried with him everywhere and barely spared him a glance. It was one of the newest toys available and while it was quite bulky, T.P. liked the freedom it gave him to research away from the office.

The waiter appeared and took their order, seeming to know what T.P. wanted without consulting him. The food had arrived by the time T.P. surfaced from his research and he blinked owlishly as the waiter deftly moved aside the computer and set his food before him.

"Oh, thank you, Rusty, very good, yes. Now, where was I? Ah, yes." Seeing Lee and Amanda watching him expectantly, T.P. motioned with the fork he had just picked up. "Dig in before it gets cold." Suiting actions to his words, T.P. began his meal leaving the Stetsons no choice but to follow his example. 

Silence reigned while lunch was consumed. Amanda wasn't very hungry, her stomach was tied up in knots and hurting. She toyed with her food, finally forcing herself to eat a few bites since she didn't need to collapse again. At last, T.P. wiped his mouth and face and set aside the napkin, giving a contented sigh. Lee had been fidgeting impatiently for the past five minutes.

"Patience, my dear boy, patience. Now, have you talked to Legal about this?" At Lee's nod, he went on. "And they said they couldn't help you since it wasn't an Agency matter." Lee nodded again, a scowl on his handsome face.

"That's just as well since the shysters on their payroll have no experience in this kind of thing. You'd think that this would have come up before, considering the divorce rate, especially..." T.P. suddenly stopped that track and shook himself. "Well, that's neither here nor there now, is it? At any rate, here's the name of someone who will help you." He handed them the name and address he had written down. "And you have an appointment in 45 minutes. Get going now, you two. And let me know if there's anything else an old man can do for you." With those words, T.P. stood and shooed them off.

Amanda crossed to place a kiss on T.P.'s cheek while Lee stood, looking at his watch. T.P. blushed and shooed her away, pleased in spite of himself.

Chapter Fifty-Four

The Stetsons arrived at the office of Dewberry and Dewberry with 5 minutes to spare. They took a seat in the reception area and caught their breath, talking in low tones.

"How did he do that?" Amanda asked yet again, a question she had repeated over and over on the drive over. "Lee, that man is a genius, pure genius. I'm beginning to believe that there's something more to him than we know. He's got so many connections."

"Calm down, Amanda. T.P., well, T.P. is one of a kind and we're lucky to have him on our side. He's a good friend."

Conversation was halted as the receptionist called their names and led them into an office.

A tall thin man with red hair was rounding the desk towards them, his hand extended in greeting. "Mr. Stetson, Mrs. Stetson, I'm Darin Dewberry. So nice to meet you, come in and sit down." Handshakes were exchanged all around and everyone settled into a chair.

"So, T.P. tells me you have a problem with your ex, Mrs. Stetson. Tell me about it." At their startled looks, he grinned. "Don't worry, I have clearance." He slid a letter across the table for them to read. 

Satisfied that Dewberry was cleared for the story Amanda relayed the series of events, from the beginning when she first met Lee andending with Joe's actions since Phillip had been in treatment. Dewberry took careful notes throughout the story.

Dewberry promised to have a talk with Joe to see if a compromise could be reached and to call them later that afternoon. Lee and Amanda returned to the office after a quick stop in the dispensary to get something for Amanda's upset stomach. It didn't seem to help much as they waited.

Every time the phone rang, Amanda jumped. She was on pins and needles waiting to hear from Dewberry. Lee tried to distract her but nothing worked for long. 

"Amanda, you're like a long tail cat in a room full of rockers. Calm down," Lee took her hands in his, gazing deep into her eyes. "You are not going to make the phone ring by ESP."

"I can't help it, Lee. These are my babies and I need to keep them safe, no matter what it takes. I can't believe Joe is acting like this. He's just totally off his rocker. First it was the things with the grades and studying and then blaming Phillip for being so upset. Now he has the nerve to say we are endangering them when we both know that…" The phone rang, causing Amanda to leave the rest of the sentence unsaid while she pounced on the unsuspecting receiver. "Yes, yes, this is Amanda Stetson. What? He what? When? Yes, yes, of course, tomorrow morning …10 am in Family Court. Yes, we'll be there. Thank you."

She let the receiver fall numbly from her hand. Lee placed it in the cradle and waited, knowing that she would tell him soon. The few seconds he waited felt like an eternity. 

"Lee, that was Dewberry. We have a meeting in Family Court tomorrow at 10 am. Joe had already filed a petition for change of custody." 

Her words struck Lee Stetson like a blow to his solar plexus. He had come to love these boys and he was not ready to allow anyone to take them away from him, including their father. In silence the two very shaken agents cleaned up the files on their desks and drove home, neither one able to voice the fear of what tomorrow might bring.

Chapter Fifty-Five

Morning arrived much too early for Amanda. She wanted to go on sleeping and pretend that everything was normal again. She saw Jamie off to school with a sad smile and went upstairs. Dragging into the bedroom, she shuffled to the shower, spending twice as long as usual.

Lee had returned from his jog to find her still under the hot spray. He stripped off his running togs and slipped in to join her. He put his arms around her and pulled her close, giving her a squeeze. Then he soaped up the washcloth and began washing his wife from top to bottom, turning her around so he could reach every part of her. 

Amanda was smiling by that time and Lee felt his heart leap at the sight. When she began to return the favor by washing him, his heart wasn't the only thing to leap. That earned him a full-fledged grin as she threw aside the washcloth and began running her hands on his soapy body.

He pulled her face to him and kissed her lips. She stood on tiptoe and pressed herself against him. She deepened the kiss, urging his mouth open to allow her access. Lee was more than willing to be led by her. He fumbled behind her back to shut off the now tepid water and stepped gingerly out of the shower, reaching in to lift her out and carry her to the bed.

He laid her down and returned for towels. He tenderly dried every inch that he had so lovingly washed minutes earlier. She lay almost passive under his ministrations. Lifting her once again, Lee moved her away from the damp spot where he had first laid her. Using the other towel, he quickly dried himself and stretched out beside her, folding her in his arms.

"Ah, Amanda, my love. We need to do this more often," he sighed in her hair, feeling her warm soft skin next to his. Her only response was to snuggle closer, her lips nuzzling his neck. They rested in silence for a time, content merely to be touching each other. Both knew that there was not enough time for anything else this morning.

All too soon, time came for them to get ready for the appearance in Family Court. Amanda felt stronger, ready to face whatever the day may bring, assured of Lee's love and support. They picked up Jamie from school, his presence was requested by the judge. Phillip had already been interviewed at the hospital.

Amanda was a mass of nerves and her stomach ached fiercely. She wondered in passing if she was developing an ulcer from all the stress. She had at least been eating better until the past few days when the nagging ache started.

"Court of Arlington County to hear the case of King VS Stetson. Petition for change of custody." The bailiff's voice rang out and the lawyers and their clients made their way inside the courtroom. Jamie had been led away to wait in a nearby office with a deputy until the Judge wanted to speak with him in private.

Joe had refused to speak to or even look at Amanda and Lee while they waited in the hallway. Joe was alone, no Carrie in sight. Amanda wondered if she was that busy or disagreed with Joe about this issue. He looked straight ahead while his lawyer, Jeff Slater, fiddled with the papers, clearly ill at ease.

The Bailiff read the petition aloud for the court, lawyers following along in their copies. The Judge allowed Slater to go first.

There was the usual message about how Lee and Amanda's work put the children at risk. How they were gone at all hours of the day and night, that the boys were targets for those seeking to hurt the Stetsons. He ended with the accusation that Amanda put her work ahead of Phillip and Jamie's mental as well as physical welfare as evidenced by the recent slip in Phillip's grades and his subsequent breakdown.

Dewberry calmly refuted all the points on their merits. The only time that Phillip and Jamie had ever been in physical danger was the direct result of Joe's work.

It was true that the family of an agent was in more danger but with two parents trained to watch for that danger and the courses the Agency offered to families, he argued, they were safer with Lee and Amanda than coming home to Joe and Carrie's empty house everyday. They had Dotty close by to help out and stay with the boys in the event work kept them overnight or took them out of town. Phillip's problems had nothing to do with any Agency related matter and Amanda had been the one to seek help for her son, against the express wishes of his father. 

Judge White heard the arguments, asked a few questions and retired to consider all the evidence, including the list of Phillip and Jamie's activities in the past four years since Joe had been home and which parent was involved in those activities. The families adjourned to get some coffee while they waited.

Judge White returned in about half an hour. As the courtroom settled around him, he looked sternly at everyone involved. Rapping his gavel on the bench, the judge spoke.

"I have reviewedall the evidence presented before me today pertaining to this matter. It seems to me, Mr. King, that this motion has been frivolously filed. You have no evidence to support your case that either Lee Stetson or your ex-wife, Amanda West King Stetson is in any way an unfit parent. It is this court's belief that they have taken all reasonable precautions to safeguard these children and that the children are better watched over in their home than they would be in your home until you or your wife return after work. In addition, you have a year old baby that is currently in day-care while your sons have never been in commercial child care a day in their lives."

Clearing his throat, he went on. "I have talked with both of the young men and they prefer to stay in the home situation with their mother and stepfather. Furthermore, in light of your attitude concerning Phillip's recent troubled behavior, I am extremely disturbed to find that you are blaming him and anyone else around as well as reacting with inappropriate anger instead of seeking a solution and help for your child. It is the judgement of the court that you shall be barred by a restraining order from contact with either of your sons until you have received anger management counseling and an interview with a court appointed representative whorecommends that the order be lifted. Custody of the minors Phillip and James King shall be granted to their mother, Amanda West King Stetson with Lee Stetson also having custodial guardianship. This court is adjourned."

Joe had been flabbergasted at the decision and vocally protested until the judge threatened to hold him in contempt of court. He ordered Joe restrained until Lee and Amanda had left the building, warning him that if he broke the restraining order, there would be serious consequences.

Chapter Fifty-Six

Lee and Amanda were overjoyed at the court ruling, standing with their arms wrapped around each other back at the lawyer's office. Jamie came running to join them and almost bowled Amanda over with his enthusiastic greeting. Dewberry took care of all the formalities, including notifying the hospital that Joe King was not allowed to have access to Phillip. Lee asked him to send the bill around to the house when it was finished but Darin insisted there was no charge. 

"Anything for T.P.," he smiled. "Besides, I was glad to see justice prevail in this case. Don't worry about it, Lee. You just concentrate on healing your family."

Lee shook his hand firmly; sincerity and thanks conveyed in Lee's eyes that he could not find the words to express. Amanda hugged Darin and cried tears of happiness and relief. Together, the Stetsons floated through the rest of their day.

The evening passed quietly, Phillip was due home the following day. Everyone retired early, tired after the stresses of the past week and eager to begin anew.

Amanda closed and locked the bedroom door after checking that Jamie was asleep. She closed the distance between her and Lee, starting to rub his tense shoulders. Lee's eyes closed to slits with pleasure as her touch worked out the knots he wasn't aware were even there. Amanda guided him over to the bed, pushing him face down and moving away for a moment. Lee was content to wait for her touch, enjoying the rare moment of peaceful pleasure.

When Amanda joined him on the bed, she deftly removed his shirt and began applying massage oil to his shoulders. Her hands slid over his sleekly muscled back, tracing all the old scars as she went. Lee's eyes remained closed, lost in the sensation of her touch, interspersed as it was with light kisses. His eyes flew open, however, when something bare slid over his back that was most definitely not her hands. He tried to rise but she held him down, her bare body now pressed into his, sliding along on the sheen of oil she had applied earlier, nibbling on his neck, shoulders and anywhere else she could reach.

Just when he could stand it no longer, Amanda rose, tugging his shoulder to guide him in turning. Lee's eyes feasted on the sight before him. Amanda's oil covered body was shimmering as the reflected light from the bath softly bathed the room. The look on her face told Lee that she knew just what she wanted and how she was going to achieve her desire. Her hands unfastened his jeans, easing them over his hips with his willing help. Soon, he lay as bare before her as she was before him. 

With a small smile on her face, Amanda poured more oil into her hands, warming it with her body heat before spreading it on Lee. Her hands followed the contours of his body, making sure no area was left untouched. When she was sure he was ready, Amanda lay on top of him and slid her body up and down against him. 

Lee's breath was beginning to come in short gasps at her actions. He heard her purr low in her throat at his reactions. That sound soon gave way to her own gasps as Lee's hands began doing their own exploring. His hands knew all the spots that turned her to jelly and he had no mercy. Somehow, she ended up beneath him, her body bucking with desire as he touched her and worshipped her with his love. 

The only sound in the room was their breathing and small passion-filled cries of desire. When Amanda arched her back, pulling Lee close, he plunged himself into her waiting, willing core with no hesitation. Finding himself in heaven, Lee Stetson maintained his self-control and concentrated on pouring all his love not just into the body but also into the soul of the woman he adored more than life.

Exhausted, they fell asleep entwined in each other's arms. Sometime in the night, Amanda poked Lee, urging him to move over, she was in a wet spot. Lee grumbled in his sleep but shifted anyway. They slumbered through the night, content and secure in their love.

Morning's light and a sticky feeling drove Amanda out of the bed and to the shower. She returned to the bedroom, toweling her hair and laughingly nudged her husband to wake up.

"Lee, get up, I need to change the sheets after last night. That oil made quite a mess. I felt sticky all night." 

Lee lifted the sheet to get up but stopped in mid-act, staring at the bed. A large grin broke over his features and he bounded out of the bed and over to Amanda to catch her up in a hug and swing her around in a circle.

"Lee, what are you doing? Lee? Have you gone mad? Put me down before you knock something over." Amanda's pleas must have gotten through to him. He deposited her beside the bed, grinning like a fool. "Lee, what has gotten into you? I know you enjoyed last night but…" She fell silent as he swept back the sheet, revealing the source of his happiness and her discomfort from the night before.

When the realization sunk in of the significance of the rather large red spot on the sheet, Amanda joined Lee in a wild spinning celebration ending with them collapsing onto the bed right in the wet spot. Finally Amanda caught her breath enough to speak.

"Lee, I will never again complain about having to change the sheets at this time of month. Now I know why I've been so uncomfortable the last few days. Oh, my, what a relief! I never thought I'd be so happy to have to bleach sheets." Amanda was overcome with giggles of happiness and relief as the stress and uncertainty of the past few weeks was put to an end.

She was puzzled as to why she didn't notice the event this morning when she was cleaning up. But, sometimes she did spot a bit before getting down to the main event, so to speak. After her and Lee's activities the night before, it looked like more than just spotting but hey, she was just too happy to worry about it at the moment. 'I'll ask Dr. Fields next time I go and see what she says,' Amanda decided, dismissing the thought from her mind for the moment.

When Phillip came home from the hospital that afternoon, their joy was complete.

Chapter Fifty-Seven

It was Friday night and Phillip had officially been released from outpatient care. This was to be their last Family Meeting with the group. Several of the inpatients shared their essays about their feelings and then it was Phillip's turn. He had requested to be the last one of the evening since it was his last night.

"The title of my poem is 'Life is a Lemon'," he began.

"_Life is a lemon and I want my money back_

It's all or nothing and nothing's all I ever get

Every time I turn it on, I burn it up and burn it out.

It's always something

There's always something going wrong

That's the only guarantee

That's what this is all about

It's a never ending attack

Everything's a lie and that's a fact

Life is a lemon and I want my money back

There's desperation, there's desperation in the air

It leaves a stain on all your clothes

And no detergent gets it out.

What about Love?

It's defective; it's always breaking in half.

What about your Family?

It's defective; all the batteries are shot.

What about your Friends?

They're defective; all the parts are out of stock.

What about Hope?

It's defective; it's corroded and decayed.

What about Faith?

It's defective, it's tattered and it's frayed.

What about your God?

He's defective; they forgot the warranty.

What about your Childhood?

It's defective; it's dead and buried in the past.

What about your Future?

It's defective, you can shove it up your…

Life is a lemon and I want my money back

It's all or nothing and nothing's all I ever get

Every time I turn it on, I burn it up and burn it out.

It's always something

There's always something going wrong

That's the only guarantee

That's what this is all about

It's a never ending attack

Everything's a lie and that's a fact

Life is a lemon and I want my money back"

There was silence in the room after Phillip finished.Then slowly the patients began clapping and cheering, shouting approval at Phillip for expressing their pain in a way that others could finally see it.

Amanda's face was white and strained. Lee wrapped his arm around her shoulder, resisting the urge to carry her bodily out of the room. Phillip's words had hurt her tremendously. She had done everything in her power to be a good mother and this felt like a slap in the face.

Phillip finally quieted down the rowdy group. He held up a hand asking for silence and finally spoke again.

"I just want to say. This is how I felt when I came in here. I know now that it's not true for me. I hope it's not true for any of us. With the help of the doctors here," there were a few catcalls but the other patients quickly shushed those. "With the help of the doctors here and the support of my family, I am working on getting rid of those feelings, or at least putting them in perspective. Life really is good, if we can get past all the anger that is dumped on us to find ourselves."

"You all know that the second part of this exercise was to write about the good things. Well, mine's not finished yet but I'm getting there. With help, we can all get there." Suddenly embarrassed about being so open, Phillip mumbled, "Well, that's all I have to say." 

He quickly crossed the room to Lee and Amanda, taking a seat on the floor beside them.

The session broke up soon afterwards and Phillip made the rounds, saying good-bye to his friends. Several of the other parents came to Lee and Amanda, congratulating them on the recovery Phillip had made and hoping that their own children would do as well.

Phillip crossed the room to his mother and Lee, ready to begin the journey back to normality. At least that's how he felt until he saw Amanda's face and the pain she was trying to hide from him. He backed off, allowing Lee to provide the comfort she needed right now, at least until he could find the words to explain.

Amanda was silent and strained on the journey home. She tried to focus on the thought that this was the beginning of his healing but her mind refused to let go of the word 'defective'. It cut her to the core; preying on the feelings ofinadequacy she had been fighting so long.

Phillip was subdued, trying to figure out how to explain that he didn't mean anything she had done in his poem. He never meant to hurt her with his words. The silence in the Explorer was deafening.

Chapter Fifty-Eight

Arriving back at the house, Phillip went ahead and opened the back door, heading straight for the kitchen to make some hot chocolate. He knew that his mother liked something warm to drink when she was upset.

Amanda and Lee entered the house several minutes later. Amanda went straight past Phillip, up the stairs to the bedroom. Lee paused in the kitchen.

"Chief," he began. "How ya doing?"

"Okay, I guess. Is Mom really upset with me?" Phillip asked, seeing he had startled Lee with his question. "Hey, I'm not blind, just stupid. I didn't mean to upset her. But I needed to say those things. I was just so confused about…well, everything."

"I know, I know, but she's your mother. She's sacrificed a lot to insure you and Jamie had a normal childhood. It hurt her to hear all her hard work being dismissed as defective. I think that word hurt her almost as much as anything else that's happened," Lee paused for a moment, considering his words. "Phillip, you know how I grew up."

Phillip nodded; Lee had discussed that topic with Jamie and him shortly after moving in. 

"Your mom was just the opposite. She had that idyllic childhood and she wanted to give the same to you and your brother. It's been a struggle, with one thing and then another, but she held to her goal. I wanted that for you as well. You know that's why we kept our marriage a secret at first. She felt badly enough that you were so confused you thought about…" Lee cleared his throat.

"Anyway, she was upset about your problems. She struggled to overcome the feeling that she had failed you. She needed to hold on to the belief that she had done a good job raising you. Tonight, Chief, you shot her down, a missile straight to the heart. She's hurt and confused. You really need to talk to her."

"I know, Lee, I know. That's why I'm making her hot chocolate." Lee gave him a puzzled look and Phillip explained. "It's what she always makes for us when we feel bad. I thought it might help."

"Good idea, son. Shall I ask her to come down and join us? Or do you want to talk alone?" Lee asked, pulling the marshmallows out of Amanda's hiding place while Phillip was getting out the mugs.

"I was going to take it up to her. Hey, where'd you find the marshmallows? No fair, Mom's the only one who knows where those are kept." Phillip exclaimed.

"Hey, your mother and I have no secrets, not even about marshmallows," Lee laughed.

Phillip balanced the tray after loading it with mugs, napkins and a thermal carafe of the hot chocolate. The marshmallows were in a bowl on the side. He mounted the stairs and knocked at the bedroom door, using his foot since his hands were full.

"Come on in," was the muffled reply. 

"Uh, Mom, could you come open the door? My hands are full." Phillip asked.

Amanda opened the door, her face showing traces of tears. Phillip entered and deposited the tray on the dresser. Pouring a mug, he turned to his mother, offering it with a smile.

"This always makes me feel better," he spoke tentatively. "Don't worry, Lee got out the marshmallows." He stood awkwardly, unsure if she was willing to hear him out. When she took the mug, a small sigh escaped him.

Amanda sat in the chair, her feet curled under her, box of tissues within easy reach. Sipping the chocolate in silence, she waited.

"Mom, I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I guess I've been saying that a lot lately, huh? But, " he took a deep breath and went on. "This assignment was to express how we were feeling, about the reasons for our actions. And I really didn't know until it all came pouring out how hurt I was about stuff, honest. But it felt so good to just let all that hurt and rage out."

Stopping to take a sip of his own drink, Phillip crossed to sit Indian style at his mother's feet. Looking up at her, he went on with his speech.

"The other half of the assignment was to talk about what's right, what we've learned about the good things in life. Mom, I promise," he laid a hand on her knee as he went on. "I promise, you'll like that one so much better. I'm just not finished with it yet. Will you at least suspend judgement until you hear it?"

"Phillip, it hurt to hear those things. But then, as I sat here thinking, I remember some of those feelings when I was a teenager, too. I remember being so mad at my parents, thinking they weren't fair. Hating my life and their rules. So, sweetheart, I can understand where those things came from. It just really hurt me to hear I did a rotten job when I thought I was doing the best thing."

Amanda set aside her half finished mug and reached for a tissue. Wiping her face, she tossed it in the trash and stood. Phillip rose as well, unsure what was going on. Amanda put her arms around him, squeezing tightly as she whispered in his ear. 

"As long as you can get past those feelings and want to go on living, I'll be happy," she said, her voice choked with the tears she struggled not to shed. "Thank you for the chocolate. Let's take it back down and clean up, eh?"

Together, they gathered the dishes and descended to the kitchen, finding Lee lounging nonchalantly at the bottom of the stairs, his own mug in hand.

Amanda and Phillip exchanged grins, knowing that Lee had been just outside the door during their talk. The trail of chocolate drips spilt from the mug as he hurried down the stairs betrayed him. Amanda moved to the sink, Phillip trailing behind. 

"Everything okay now?" Lee asked, the question directed to no one.

"Fine, Stetson," Amanda smiled. "As long as you didn't reveal my secret hiding place!"

Amanda and Phillip burst into laughter as Lee stuttered to defend himself. Giving up, Lee joined them, crossing the room to sweep Amanda and Phillip in his arms.

Chapter Fifty-Nine

Amanda spent the next few weeks dividing her time between working in the office, sessions with Dr. Phaff and ferrying Phillip back and forth from his therapist appointments.

Phaff was concerned about her reaction to not being pregnant. He seemed to be afraid she would sink further into a depression. Amanda and Lee talked long and hard to him about that subject. Phaff finally let it go after extracting a promise from them that they would not try to start a family of their own until some time had passed. They readily agreed to this condition. 

Work was not very pressing since she was still tied to a desk until her final clearance from medical. She worked on her shooting skills with Leatherneck. He was impressed at her change of heart when it came to shooting the 'bad guys'.

"Mrs. Stetson, you still have to shoot the little girl. You've gotten past the nun but the little girl gets you every time." 

"I know, Leatherneck, I know. I just cannot shoot a child." Amanda sighed as she took aim at the projection of a wall and fired, ending the simulation. "Everyone else, even the nun but not a little girl."

"Well, Mrs. Stetson, let's hope no little girl terrorists come after you then. You're doing really well." Leatherneck had pretended to be more upset than he was. He had seen Amanda grow into the skills she needed to survive in this business and was proud to have had a part in her development.

Amanda spent considerable time as well training in unarmed combat with Dr. Pain. She knew that this was an attempt to feel in control again but she didn't care. If there was any one thing that she could learn and share with other women on how to escape an attack, it was worth all the bruises and stiffness she brought home. Besides, Lee was always willing to rub out her kinks, she thought with a big smile on her face.

Taking the time off to take Phillip to the therapist twice a week was fine, once Amanda got over the fear that missing so much time lately would cause her to lose her job. She spent the time the two were talking doing her own journaling.

Chapter Sixty

Amanda's Journal

Day ???

__

I don't even know anymore. Funny, a couple of weeks ago, if you told me I'd lose track of how much time had gone by since the attack, I'd have never believed you. Amazing how things become clear when something really important happens. Focusing on Phillip's problem helped me push the other to the back of my mind. We never did find out how he had planned to kill himself. The only thing he would say is that he wasn't planning on using one of our guns. I guess I'll never know and that may not be a bad thing. If I don't know, it can't haunt me. 

Day ???

__

Somehow, it's easier to come to terms with the possibilities if I didn't concentrate on them all of the time. Phillip and Lee had some long talks out doing 'guy' stuff. Lee said he felt guilty about what he said to Phillip that day after the fight. Phillip told Lee that his words had hurt but, knowing they were spoken in the heat of the moment, those words had much less an impact than Joe's ongoing criticisms of him. I know they were both relieved to get that out of the way, even if neither will admit it.

Day ???
__

I guess I could count it back but I really don't feel the need. Now that the fear of being pregnant has passed, my heart is so much lighter. Of course, it helps that Phillip is home and Joe is barred from seeing them until he works out his own problems. I never wanted to take that step but he tied my hands when he filed for custody. But what really makes my heart light is that Lee and I can touch and love again. I was so scared he might never be able to get over what happened. But he's been remarkable, he didn't put those walls back up and I am so grateful to have found such a caring man. Even if it took him a while to become that way, make that a LONG while. But he was worth the wait.

Chapter Sixty-One

After Phillip's first outpatient meeting with John, Amanda heard the same music coming from his room every time she went by it. When asked, Phillip told her it was a song written and recorded by John. It was something he gave his clients to hold onto during their dark times. Phillip left it in the Explorer one morning when Amanda dropped him off at school. She debated on whether or not it was ethical to listen to it but parental concern won out over her respect for privacy. She and Lee put the tape in the machine up in the Q Bureau and turned it on. The mellow music relaxed them and they listened closely to the words.

__

When you feel all alone and the world has turned its back on you,

Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart

I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you 

It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold

When darkness is upon your door and 

You feel like you can't take anymore

Let me be the one you call, if you jump I'll break your fall.

Lift you up and fly away with you into the night

If you need to fall apart, I can mend a broken heart

If you need to crash, then crash and burn, you're not alone.

When you feel all alone and a loyal friend is hard to find

You're caught in a one way street with the monsters in your head

When hopes and dreams are far away and 

You feel like you can't face the day

Let me be the one you call, if you jump I'll break your fall.

Lift you up and fly away with you into the night

If you need to fall apart, I can mend a broken heart

If you need to crash, then crash and burn, you're not alone.

Because there has always been heartache and pain

And when it's over you'll breathe again

You'll breathe again.

When you feel all alone and the world has turned its back on you,

Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart

Let me be the one you call, if you jump I'll break your fall.

Lift you up and fly away with you into the night

If you need to fall apart, I can mend a broken heart

If you need to crash, then crash and burn, you're not alone.

The music slowly faded as the words echoed into the distance. 

Lee looked over at Amanda to find tears rolling down her face. He was surprised to find his own face wet when she reached out and gently wiped his tears.

"You okay?" The words came out of his mouth in a whisper as if afraid to break the spell of the music.

"Yeah, I'm okay. Just so …touched. Whoever wrote that song knew about pain. It's like he reached into the depths of my soul and pulled it all out. Wow," Amanda whispered in return.

Lee gave her a lopsided grin, understanding perfectly what she meant. He felt the pull of the song speaking to his long-buried pain and the way he had lived his life before Amanda showed him that there was another way. He heard Amanda speaking and pulled himself back to the present.

" 'You're caught in a one way street with the monsters in your head' Oh, Lee, that's just how it felt when I started blanking out what had happened to me. I couldn't face it, I let the monster win," Amanda was almost sobbing now and Lee crossed the short distance between them to take her in his arms. "Is that how Phillip felt? No wonder he couldn't face it." She gave in for a few moments to the painful memories that had been evoked and mourned a little more for the loss of her son's innocence. She mourned the loss of her own innocence and Lee's as well, when he was such a small child.

A small sob still escaped her as she struggled to regain control of her runaway emotions. Amanda knew that only time would allow her to complete the process of burying the woman who had died that night. The process of birth was always painful. Amanda knew that from having two children but she never knew until now that a spiritual birth was as painful, if not more so.

Amanda knew that she and her family would come out of this process stronger people than they had been at the beginning. However, she would have given a lot to turn back time and be able to skip the catalyst for this growth experience.

Chapter Sixty-Two

At the end of a month, Phillip asked Amanda, Lee, Dotty and Jamie to join him for a family session. He seemed very nervous and ill at ease when they arrived. He looked repeatedly at John who gave him a look of encouragement but said nothing.

"Mom, Lee, Grandma, yeah, even you, Jamie, I just want to tell you all how much your love and support has helped me to deal with things." Phillip took a deep breath and turned to his mother. "Mom, remember when I wrote the poem about my life being a lemon?"

Amanda nodded; she would never forget the stabbing pain when she heard those despairing words coming from her son.

"Well, the other side of the exercise was to write about the good. I've been working on this for a long time. I wanted more than to tell you that you've done a good job, a great job as a mother. I needed to tell you what I've learned from you and from watching you meet things head on and conquer them everyday of my life. Mom, you are my hero. You never let things get to you, at least not for long. This is for you, Mom." Phillip fell silent for a moment then began reading from the paper in his hand.

__

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument

I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands

I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you

I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do

I believe that beauty magazines promote low self-esteem

I believe I am loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma, what you give is what you get returned

I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned

I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side

I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul

I believe that family is worth more than money or gold

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness

I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed

I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists

I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma, what you give is what you get returned

I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned

I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side

I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

There were tears in the eyes of everyone in the room when Phillip finished. Lee and Jamie tried to wipe theirs away before anyone noticed. Amanda and Dotty were unashamed of theirs and made no effort to wipe them away. Tears were running freely down Phillip's face by the time he was finished.

"I didn't realize what I had until I almost threw it all away. I am so sorry I hurt you all. Please forgive me." Phillip went to each person in the room, asking for their forgiveness and spending a moment speaking words that went unheard by the others. By the end of it of their conversation Lee had stopped trying to pretend he was unaffected as tears slowly traced twin lines down his face. Even Jamie stopped acting like he was unaffected when Phillip was talking to him, even if he did keep wiping the tears away, hoping that no one had noticed. 

The family left that session feeling much more at peace than they had been since that awful night in September, which had caused the beginning of the breakdown. They had come through the past months and worked their way deep into the pain and were emerging on the other side, much like a caterpillar cocoons itself and, when the time is right, sheds that covering and emerges a beautiful butterfly.

Epilogue

Jamie's photo had won in the juried art show for the school region and was entered in another competition scheduled for late December covering the entire state. If he won there, he would go on to a regional competition at the Telfair Museum in Savannah in the spring. He still refused to let anyone in the family see it, even Lee who had helped build the frame.

Joe was getting help but was still under the court order to stay away from the boys. Amanda refused to talk to him when he called. Soon, Carrie was doing the calling instead and reassuring them that Joe was dealing with things and was very sorry for his actions.

Phillip had finished his suspension from school while under treatment and returned to school with a much different attitude and his grades were vastly improved. Things even seemed to be doing better with Elayna. Her father had relented and accepted Phillip's written apology. The two were allowed to visit together under her parent's supervision until they came to know him better.

Lee took Phillip out for driving practice in the Corvette. Soon, Phillip had regained enough confidence to take the driver's test again and passed it with flying colors. He was given the keys to the Jeep with strict conditions about where he could drive. Soon, no one would guess that there had been a problem, except for the now monthly meeting with the therapist.

The End

__

Actually, the next story deal with Jamie's coping.


End file.
